Is it too late to change the relationship I have with my children?

[mrsbrownsgirls]

I am concerned about my children ( 15 and 12)

Bright happy kids but completely unhelpful round the house and have to be reminded constantly to do the simplest of things ( hang your coat up, change out of your school uniform, put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher ) which makes me feel like an old nag.

The younger one is getting cheeky and defiant. ( flatly refusing to go to bed at night , stuff like that) His last outburst earned him a 5 day x box ban but I don't know if that is going to work in improving his behaviour.( was at his dad's last night )

We actually mostly have loving affectionate relationship - but only if I make no demands on them whatsoever and leave them to their (online) devices.

They would both be wired to the internet in all their spare time and I admit I have been too soft in this respect , for an easy life.

I split from their dad a year ago after years of complete misery. He has them two nights a week, it's amicable apart from the occasional angry outburst from him ( twas ever thus). Their dad is a good guy but very lazy and was disrespectful and huffy to me - one of the reasons I left him was so my kids would not think that was an acceptable way to treat a person.

Has anyone ever turned around the relationship with their kids this late on?
thanks to all

Sounds like my 11yo tbh.

I think the relationship with DCs changes naturally over time as they get older, so there are always opportunities to redefine. I would suggest that yours are currently 'stuck' in the dependent stage of childhood where they expect you to do everything for them and that they can be moved to the next stage where they take on more responsibility - with a bit of perseverance from you. :)

I can only tell you how I moved DS (almost 14yo now) from one to the other and it involved declaring him 'more grown up' when he went to secondary school. Privileged position with various benefits that comes with certain expectations like keeping rooms tidy, doing homework, pitching in with making meals etc and specific jobs like dealing with the recycling and washing my car every other weekend. I 'sold' it that, if we both do a fair share, there's more time for fun stuff and less aggro. Still have to remind him but not so often as I used to.

Sorry your ex is the way he is because that'll make it harder for you. DS's Dad (and I'm a lone parent) is always 100% supportive of anything I do with DS and that helps considerably.

Mine are younger, but I think you can say to them that you are all going to change and you will be making some new rules and agreements.

Don't say that it's been your fault for leaving it too late. Say now that they are a certain age, they need more responsibility in order to earn their keep.
Something like that?!
If he refuses to go to bed or do housework? So be it! Late for school? HE will have to see the headmaster alone. No washing done? He'll have to wear dirty clothes etc etc
Talk about actions and consequences and responsibility.

Good luck. It's so hard and my eldest in still only 8.

this was recommended to me by a child psychologist has some good ideas www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/1853408573

Apparently you can control internet access device by device via your router/software. An IT person told me this, but I don't know more details sorry. Apparently it isn't difficult.

Perhaps an ongoing management of online times & access might be a useful tool for you as part of the puzzle. Rather than use it as a stick/punishment you can use it as a carrot - i.e they can earn online time by doing their chores/homework/tidy room etc.

I encourage my DC - 3 & 6 - to be involved in the house (esp the 6yo). I simply can't do it all myself if they are in a whirlwind of mess. I have to constantly be on them though and I hate the nagging feeling - I try to catch myself and make it more of a game, or as Cognito describes an active participation in their lives, with knock on rewards of a richer/more diverse life. Mummy can't be doing all these fun things all the time if she is sorting everything out at home by herself. I left the flat in a world of mess this morning & it's a horrible feeling, to be returning to that - it astonishes me how easily it can all fall apart.

It's never too late to change and develop though.

Things to ponder...It's never too late to change how you relate to another person. You cannot change other people. Changes you make can have an affect on how people relate to you. Positive changes tend to get positive reactions especially if there is a long term benefit (better relationship, deeper sense of security and trust, improved interaction with extended family etc.)

You are not going to change the fact that we live in a digital age with gadgets in every home. You can see if there is another activity each of your children would like to do, that you can take them to, pay for and let them get on with. Something sporty, creative or social, perhaps? Or simply a bike ride or doing a bit of volunteering, considering what Saturday job they could try (older one) or cooking a family meal once a week. Doesn't have to be expensive. I like what Cogito has done, that worked with my elder DC but younger is still not there yet and isn't going on a sleepover over half term because her bedroom has been like a bomb site since Easter.

I reckon the reason you're ending up nagging them is because you're too easy on them generally and they know there won't be consequences. My sister has the same problem.

We overheard her boys saying "Twinkle is not like mummy - when Twinkle says something she means it"

It does sound like they've picked up 'lazy' and 'disrespectful' behaviour from their dad, and perhaps you're enabling it by 'making no demands' to keep the peace.

thanks all. and twinkle , you may be right
anyone else ?

No advice, but watching with interest.
I am having very similar issues with ds (11). I need to make changes to our relationship, and he is the same as your dc - lovely until he doesn't get things how he wants them. Then he is rude, disrespectful and very, very angry.
I find it easier to manage during the daytime, but at night, every night without fail for the last month (except when the dc are with their dad, then they behave perfectly) ds picks a fight with his little brother at bedtime, ds2 is 6 and reacts, and they are bouncing about, arguing for hours, no matter how i try to intervene. It always ends in me and both ds shouting at each other at 10pm. God knows what the neighbours must think, but by 10/11pm I am at the end of my tether and frustrated after looking after 4dc all day alone, going to work, the house and on and on.
I know i handle it badly at night, and we need to make changes, as that is our time that it really flares up.
Right now, I have no advice to give. We don't have X box or anything, so currently he is grounded. He shouts and screams about that ,but doesn't change his behaviour - it makes it worse. But i feel there needs to be a consequence to his rudeness.
Ah, I have no bloody idea - sorry, but you are not alone.

All the things you nag about (hang your coat up etc), just stop. And let them take the consequences when the coat is scruffy, the uniform unwashed, there are no clean dishes for a meal etc.

Put a notice up showing bedtimes. Stipulate what happens at bedtime eg shower, hair, teeth, put clothes out for tomorrow, half hour reading/listening to radio then lights out. Brook no resistance.

Insist on good manners. Failure in good manners to lead to loss of some or all pocket money or online time or other privileges. Choose something you can manage and don't give in.

Its the perfect time for changing your relationship with your children. You've changed your relationship with the whole world by leaving your ex. Your children are young adults, or almost. Ideal time to step back.

Be clear. They live in your home and abide by your rules. When they leave home they can have their own rules, but for now, this is the way you want it. You love them, but you don't wait on them and you don't accept disrespect.

I think they'll live up to high expectations if you let them. You'll be surprised by how much you can rely on them and how capable they are. Good luck.

You could always change the internet password.

I'm a teacher and my kids tell me that their parents turn the internet off at 9pm.

My DD (9) in particular can be the same but one step at a time it is gradually becoming habit to (for example) take her plate out after every meal, turn off lights and draw curtains in the morning.
The main thing I have realised is that you have to be consistent and firm, if you let her off with it even once, then you go back to square one with all the moaning and huffing and puffing that entails.
Regarding the screen time, I have clear and firm rules about when they can access it and have to put a lot more effort into them when they are not on it, I also use it as a carrot, " you can go on the ipad once you have done X,Y, Z"

I try to remind myself when I'm getting despondent about it, that it is my job to bring them up to be responsible adults who can look after themselves and who other people will want to live with.