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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Internet dating

22 replies

Doughnut123 · 21/05/2014 00:35

Does anyone have any experience of Internet dating? I have recently started using an Internet dating site, but have found it hard to understand the way that some men respond. I was chatting last week to a man who seemed very decent. We shared a lot of common interests and sent long email messages to each other every day, from Monday to Friday. We seemed to be getting on well, I thought. We had not spoken on the phone or met, so I suggested a phone call- wanting to move things on, wanting to know if I actually liked him or if he liked me in real life. I had a chat with someone for a couple of weeks previously and felt quite close to him, only for him to then tell me he'd met someone!
Anyway,I made the suggestion of a phone call. I gave my number ( probably shouldn't have, I know). I said that it was really nice to email him, but talking to him properly would be so much nicer, if he would like to talk to me too. He said it was a good idea.Tbis was the Friday evening. He W's going out so said he would call the next day. At 6.20 the following morning, he emailed me (via the website). He seemed excited, asked .E when was a good time to call. I said 8.30 p was good, as I was out all day.
So, all day I was excited. 8.30pm came and went - no call, no email. Nothing. I've heard nothing since. I'm upset and confused. I'm guessing he must have been really scared, or he has someone.
Is this common? It feels very immature. He is 54 and has 4 grown up children.

OP posts:

LittleLadyFooFoo · 21/05/2014 00:44

Hi...there is a Dating Thread which you might find helpful to join in.
Your experience is typical of OLDating. Guys (and Im sure girls) who chat and then disappear. Usually caused by either fear as they never progress beyond chatting, they have met someone else, they are married/attached or they are just rude!
As long as you can develop a thick skin and begin to recognise the players, then you might find a gem amongst them all. There are some nice people...don't give up, just get wise :0) Good luck and have fun.

beaglesaresweet · 21/05/2014 01:16

as far as you are sure there was no mistake in your number, then something must have come up - either he's set his eyes on a new person that suits him better in some way, or possibly he already met and liked someone and she didn't show interest, but (coincidentally on same day) decided she wanted to meet again. Or he's just got scared.

You could always email and ask - not much to lose now. But really remember that until you meet a FEW times with someone, then it means nothing and so don't get emotional, just don't take it seriously quickly.

Original poster

Doughnut123 · 21/05/2014 23:18

Thanks for your messages. Very helpful. I have tried the dating thread, but when I tried to post on it this time, it said that they were no longer accepting any messages. I think you're absolutely right. You just don't know what someone is up to or what's going on in their life. Quite hard not to take it personally though.

OP posts:

beaglesaresweet · 21/05/2014 23:33

You might not even liked him in person. I think you get used to online dating being very fickle, and stop taking it personally quickly - don't give up yet!

I agree though, that meeting men in RL is much better, it's just the opportunity is not there often.

Walkacrossthesand · 21/05/2014 23:49

The dating thread quickly fills up and hits the magic 1000 post limit. What usually happens is that one of the 'regulars' starts the next one - pop back and have another look for one with less than 1000 posts!

Walkacrossthesand · 21/05/2014 23:54

PS I gave up on OLD - I hardly got any responses to messages I sent, let alone spontaneous messages, and I found the 'dashing of false hopes' more dispiriting than just getting on with being single. I hope you have a more positive experience.

magiclife · 22/05/2014 00:16

Internet dating can be brilliant or dull as dishwater. But you have to get used to the fact you are treated as some kind of human stepping stone. People are happy to chat to several people at a time, but are constantly looking for the next best and hedging their bets. To me it is disrespectful and rude. What on earth is wrong with finding out about one person at a time, it they are not for you or it doesn't work out then go back and start again, not have half a dozen maybes all at once. This is the precise reason that internet dating does not work for most, too much choice and people not prepared to take the time to get to know someone before jumping onto the next perceived better "match"....

Of course there are good and bad people on there as there is in any cross section of the public....and if he couldn't be bothered to ring when he said then I am sure there will be plenty of decent guys who would. Good luck!

Original poster

Doughnut123 · 25/05/2014 23:19

Thank you to all of you for your helpful replies. The man in question responded to my e mail, when I asked him why he hadn't contacted me.
He said that he had texted me to make sure that it was convenient to ring. I didn't receive a text however. He said that he thought I was ignoring him, when I didn't reply- he thought I was trying to give him 'the hint .'
He said that this has happened to him a lot whilst internet dating and that he has become very disillusioned with it. He now realised that I was not trying to give him 'the hint,' but he thought it best not to continue contact because I live quite a long way from him(about an hour, so not that far!)
He sounded thoroughly fed up with the whole thing.
I talked to a friend and she suggested that I just ask him if he'd like to meet for coffee, to compare notes on our disillusionment with internet dating, which I did ( she felt that he was not rejecting me, rather, just covering his back , in case I rejected him)
Anyway, he didn't even open the message, which I think says it all. I notice that he's still very active on the dating site though-so, not so disillusioned after all!
I'm fed up with it. I don't need a man, but it would be nice to have a decent man around some of the time. I NEVER want to live with anyone or marry anyone ever again!

OP posts:

LJHH · 25/05/2014 23:31

I met my other half online 4&1/2 years ago, we are now engaged and our first baby is due in 13 weeks :)
There were some absolute fruit loops on the sites, the block button is your friend, if somebody weirds you out, just stop emailing. You'll know when you start speaking to somebody worth your time! Good luck!

akaWisey · 26/05/2014 07:49

It's definitely a minefield and your latest experience is so common to OD.
The problem is it's not like you're out somewhere you know and like going to so there's no chance to see a man you'd like the look of acting naturally.

Personally I chat to more than one at a time, I don't reply to messages from men who live a ridiculous distance away from me and I'm upfront about chatting to more than one at the same time. Honestly OP if they're OD with the intent of meeting someone they'll ask very quickly with a definite plan, or an idea, in mind. The last date I went on was with a guy whose first message was an invitation to go out for dinner. His approach is to treat OD as if he were in a bar(or somewhere) and wanted to talk to a woman he likes the look of. Endless messages tend to drift into nothingness IME.

AnnaWombourne · 26/05/2014 08:03

Some people don't like talking on the phone to starangers - I'm one of them. So if a man suggests talking on the phone it immediately puts me off - would much rather meet, that's not scarey somehow

Just regard OD as a hobby - don't get involved with anyone until you've met them at least 10 times

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 26/05/2014 13:11

Just wanted to add my pennorth. I recently joined a dating site and paid for three months. I was getting random bits of peoples profiles sent which the site was sending, not them. I had a few scammers (bit naïve, so didn't cotton on at first), lots of cut and paste and contact from people who clearly had not even looked at my profile. Most odd and to be honest it was so depressing I cancelled within a week and lost my money - I was glad to be free of all those false messages!

I did some research (should have done in the first place!) and the site was under Global Personals. Apparently they have a huge percentage of OLD sites, I forget how many but it is thousands.

I read that they make up profiles, share them among all the sites and employ people to send the messages and even get into chat with the members. This is why a lot of them bottle out at phone calls and meet up suggestions.

People who have genuinely put a profile on may find themselves getting messages from Single Parents, F.Buddies, Marital Affairs etc.....maybe some people do actually get to meet real people?

I am not saying your site was like this but I definitely felt it rang true of the one I was one. Google White Label dating and Global Personals, it is pretty hair raising reading.

olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 13:16

I met a guy online and last night was our forth date... He stayed over and we slept together, this morning he left around 8 and I noticed he was online on Pof within 10 mins of being home!!! How would you feel? He's also not text me yet today...

quirkycutekitch · 21/03/2015 17:28

I joins OLD last Sunday - chatting to a guy who wanted to meet this weekend - I was thinking this was a bad sign - he's asked me to call him tonight because I couldn't meet - but after reading this I think it might be a good thing

addicted2cake · 21/03/2015 20:21

This is depressing reading ladies!! Especially as I have been chatting to a guy constantly via text after exchanging no.s online for the past 3 days. He seems nice but now you have me wondering if he's chatting to others and keeping his options open!, time will tell I guess! It's such a minefield out there!

Whatsforsupper · 21/03/2015 22:05

Addicted

Sorry,I suspect he is talking too other women!

The norm for both sexes is too talk with multiple people at once. Sure, you'll find some people who only chat to one person at a time, its rare.

Best think you can do is try and meet up within a week max two weeks.

I'm a guy dating online ;)

*Olympic"

Sadly, what you describe is not uncommon. In this case its mostly men who shag and run. I guess ,better you know now then invest any further.

lunalelle · 22/03/2015 02:39

I met DH online four years ago. We chatted for a month before meeting for dinner and movie.

I wouldn't have spoken to him on the phone, and I don't think he would have wanted to either. I hate talking to anyone on the phone!

welloverdue · 22/03/2015 06:38

I hate talking on the phone and if a guy gives me his number I don't usually use it.

On the few occasions I have, it has been useful as a way of weeding out men who are not my type and I have cut contact and not wasted time meeting them.

I have also cancelled if someone is not local. An hour away from me is too much.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 22/03/2015 06:42

You need an extremely think skin for OD. Come and join is on the dating thread, it's a right giggle I've had two dates already this week, one just completely ignoring me now, tomorrow I have a second date with one of the guys I saw this week (yesterday in fact). Quite possibly, he was a time waster who just liked the thrill of the chase. Maybe had a wife/gf or at best, single but with no intention of meeting up.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 22/03/2015 06:42

*thick skin.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/03/2015 06:59

I had a chat with someone for a couple of weeks previously and felt quite close to him

No no no! You can't be close to an Internet dating person before you've even met them. You need to keep these interactions in perspective. A couple of weeks of texting is equal to a 20 minute chat in a bar. No commitment or emotional connection beyond 'I quite like this person and could see them again'
90% of Internet interactions fizzle out without a meeting ime so you mustn't assume that anything will come of anything. Don't pin any hopes on anyone until you have met.
Also remember it's not like the old days where meeting someone you like and click with was actually quite rare and people would see where that goes before looking around again, now people have very short attention spans and are often chatting to several people at once so if someone goes silent chances are that's what has happened.

Chanteksayang · 22/03/2015 07:15

I am currently seeing someone I met online. We chatted for a few days on the site, then he gave me his number. We talked and then met. We have been seeing each other for a month. I never chat for longer than a few days before meeting in person. I think that people carry on multiple conversations and that is ok. I know I was until I actually met this man.

I also think it is important not to think you have a relationship with someone when you have only emailed them...people can be so different in person.

I took a 2 year break from dating for a variety of reasons and now have a different view on it. I am enjoying my dates with this man for the moment. I am not sure how it will work out long term as we are polarised in our views in so many ways. But he is considerate, pleasant, kind and good fun. And for now...that is brilliant!

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