Have told DH i want to separate, right decision but feel dreadful

[onionlove]

Long story short dh has cheated with prostitute several times over last year, i cant stay with him and i know its not right for children but still i feel awful ive had to make this decision that affects the dcs so profoundly when they are so small, he didn't really leave me much option though

we need to see a mediator but that will take time there is a waiting list, meantime he wants to stop contributing as much so he can rent a room somewhere, believe me its not working with him here at all but in barely managing as it is

just feel like crap, why cant he live with a mate or ask his parents for some money and just go! This is so hard!

So sorry to hear how you have been treated, what a breach of trust and a downright shitty thing to do to you. It sounds like you really have no other option but to leave him for your own sanity and therefore for your children too. Is he talking about paying you a considerable amount less? Have you looked into tax credits on gov.uk, it will tell you what you can get. There are many solicitors and other firms who do mediation, can you try ringing round to see if you can get a cancellation just in case, as sounds like you would benefit from it sooner rather than later? renting a room isnt idela eps if he wants access to children, would be much better if he could stay with parents where they could visit, has he not thought about it that way? Super big hugs for you sweetheart. With regards to it not being right for the children, the current situation is untenable for you and for them and it is not a situation you have created, so you are not to blame xx

Thanks chocolate, at what point can i apply for benefits, does there have to be anything formal in place or can i apply when he is at a differential address

You can apply for tax credits as soon as you separate. You can still be living in the same house as long as you have separate rooms, are doing your own cooking, washing etc, and have separated your finances (eg closed any joint accounts).

I was the child that my parents stayed together for. They simply didn't love each other, nothing serious like you've had, but the marriage shaped me as an adult and not in a good way.

The best thing for children is happy parents in a happy marriage, if not I truly believe happy parents who are separated are better for children than unhappy parents in an unhappy marriage.

Thanks both, i am seeing cab on Tuesday so hopefully will be able to find a way to fund him moving out, part of me thinks he should get a short term loan or ask his parents another issue that i will have to sort out coz he isn't capable, part of me feels he should have thought of this when paying for his whore, she isn't cheap ive seen her website, chucking him out isn't constructive for the kids though is it?
thanks joysmum, i am a heart on sleeve person whereas he is good at lying im sure my son 4 knows I'm not happy so that needs to change!

Me again i thought id update this thread
DH is not happy about it but has begun to look for somewhere to rent, we agreed when he would see the dcs etc. Just need to sort finances out but doesn't seem to be a problem.
So tonight a letter was waiting for him from his 14 year old daughter, my step daughter, he went to spare room after opening it and was sobbing in there so much dcs could hear him and kept asking for him, i told them he was poorly and eventually they went to sleep
He emerged and i made him a cup of tea as he was shaking and crying, he said the letter said she doesn't want to see him anymore, several reasons which he wouldn't tell me, then he just sat there crying saying "i cant cope, i cant cope', he has no contact at all with her mum and they hate each other, my step d reduced contact which i was surprised he didn't fight more to see her but i didn't want to get involved due to our situation
he was in a bad way before and worse now, i think he may be heading for a breakdown i still want to move forward with the separation but feel heartless for doing so, what can i do now
to be honest i think he may have let her down and i don't think he has put her needs above his own over the years, perhaps its just a teenage thing or spurred on by her mum but he's not even going to reply and thinks all his kids will feel the same and what's the point etc etc, i just cant deal with this on top of everything else, ive thought about ringing his mum to help him but she doesn't know our situation and she's a panicy gossipy type who hasn't been much use in the past help!!!

If you think he's heading for a breakdown you tell him to go and see his GP. Whatever's going on with his DD is really not your concern any more and his own behaviour caused the end of your relationship so he has to take responsibility now and face the consequences of his actions.

Yes, I know it feels cruel but you need to push through with doing what is right for you and the dc. He sounds like he's a shit father and like he is manoeuvring towards letting your dc down as well as his older daughter. You need to protect them as much as you can from that. You can't make him be responsible but you can make your parental offer as stable and secure as possible and take steps to minimise any damage he might do.

It's all about him isn't it? You have absolutely made the right decision.

I would suggest if he's 'heading for a breakdown' and 'can't cope' he leaves as soon as possible, as a good parent wouldn't want to subject their children to that, now would they?

Why do i bloody do it, why do i get involved and worry about his life, force of habit i suppose, he didn't speak to the kids at all this.morning and said he wasn't coming back after work, couldn't cope was going to his mums etc etc all the while kids are saying "where's daddy" "daddy gone" "bye daddy" and i have to pick up those pieces get them to nursery and get ready.to work whilst he swans off in new company car then tonight is.showing me his new flat and his daughters new room WTF! I was livid probably more at myself for letting myself get involved and worry about him so i told him he cant be like that with the children even if his elder one is causing him issues, he had a massive go at me for interferring, why doesn't he just go so i don't have to deal with this all the time, why does it wind me up so much?