How to tell them you are leaving with kids

[Winstonrocked]

I need some advice please.
I've finally made the decision to leave my husband of 6 years.
To cut a story short, I can't cope anymore and am getting depressed.
H has always been similar since we married. I thought it could get better - its got worse.
I can't deal with the days of silent treatment, even weeks of being totally ignored, glared at in such disdain and the constant critics and sarcasm when he is talking. The way he looks at me in such disgust and how I get stressed every time he is due home from work.
I walk on eggshells all the time he is here.
I look after our 3 kids totally by myself. He does not bath, change and even if I go out for half an hour, I come back to them either been sent to their room or crying ect.
We do nothing together. I take the kids out by myself at the weekend as he usually spends it in his room on his laptop working.
I've had to excuse his rudeness to other people sometimes but other times he is nice as pie to everyone.
Usually, I get the 'treatment' for a week or so, them he is suddenly mr nice as if nothing happened.

Anyhow, I'm ready to go. But how on earth do I tell him?
The only place I can go is to my mums with the kids as she has space BUT she lives a good 2.5 hours away. Is this doable or do we need to stay close to him for the kids to see him?

I have no idea how he will react. I'm scared but I'm happy I've made a final decision.

I was thinking first we could say we are going away to my mums for a few weeks to give him some space?

Anyone been there?

And I don't mean to sound like Mrs perfect. Of course I am not (I know that!) but frankly I have just been pandering to his every need and getting nothing in return.
We have no shared bank account and my name is not on the mortgagee either. He put 'household' money in my account every month.

See a solicitor.

Pack while he's at work. Go to your mum's. Leave him a note to tell him you are done living with an abuser.

Expat, can he report me or anything fr taking the kids though?

No he cannot do anything unless you are planning to move DC to another country. You can live anywhere you like in the same country.

I would move to your mums and then call him ( when DC cannot hear you) and explain you have left him and that you will be emailing him to arrange child contact.

From what you have said it doesn't sound like he will be that bothered once he gets over the injury to his pride.

Also see a sol once you have moved. The fact you are not on the mortgage is irrelevant if you are married, you are still entitled to a percentage of any marital assets, and with 3 DC he will have to give you 20% of his take home pay minimum as maintenance for them. He may also have to pay spousal maintenance for you.

winston I left with our 3 DC. I told him I was leaving, found a house, packed up and left. I had spent long enough giving him chance to change only for him to revert to his abusive ways once he had me back round his little finger. He actually once said the immortal words 'you'll never leave me'. Boy was he mistaken. I don't know the legals of it, I just did it. I'm full time mum and he'd barely changed a hand full of nappies so I knew he wouldn't try to prevent me taking our DC. I'm not entirely sure you could just up and leave without telling him though? My advice would be to arrange it with your mum, then tell him when you're going. You might have to play it by ear after that, just have the courage of your convictions. Good luck x

Of course you can just leave, why wouldn't you be able to?

A friend of mine left her abusive husband with her two DDS. She lived in Devon and moved to Newcastle. Nothing her XH could do about it.

OP says she has "no idea how he will react" and that she is "scared." I therefore suggest moving first and telling him after would be the safest course.

Well done for making that decision it will probably be the best thing you can do to make you and your DC happy. Don't worry about the distance to your mums, he hardly bothers with them while living with them so I doubt he will worry about seeing them very often while you are at your mums. Good luck and stay strong

Thanks for your supportive replies. I will get things into gear and start planning. I want to at least try and sort him seeing the kids amicably, so maybe I should tell him but not until I'm really ready to actually go.
I know he will try and change my mind otherwise. Good to hear you did it curt. I'll take the advise.
I can't afford a solicitor at the moment I don't think.
I don't really want any of his stuff, I just want out!
Someone said I should see a solicitor though as leaving without it might make custody more difficult?
I'm no good with legal stuff at all btw!

If you are not sure how he will react move first x if by custody you mean visitation for him, you don't need to see a solicitor straight away, I'd leave a note for him explaining you have gone and will facilitate time with the children, even offer Skype to begin with. Move first, email or talk later ( email often easier to keep records of in case you need it)

Good luck

You need to lodge a charge against the property at the Land Register. This will mean nobody can buy it without your consent - as a spouse, you have a claim on it regardless of what the mortgage/deeds say, but unless you have that charge lodged anyone buying it could do so without you having a claim against them; just against the money he made. That's a lot more complicated and harder to get back than it is to enforce a claim on a marital home. Lodging that charge is easy and free and you don't need a solicitor.

Solicitors often offer a free initial consultation. I'd see a couple who do so and ask for advice - leaving the marital home permanently isn't always advisable. But bear in mind he cannot change the locks etc on the house, though people do, because as the marital home you have the right of residence. I do think, given your anxiety and his controlling behaviour, that you need the confidence of knowing a little more of the legal situation.

winston you aren't thinking straight - which is understandable.

You state in your OP that DH does sweet FA for your three DC.

The chances of him genuinely creating a huge fuss about wanting custody/residence of them are very minimal. He may threaten this at first, many do. They do it to upset you and make you anxious. He will likely do all he can to terrify you into submission. He will want to punish you for escaping his control.

If you arm yourself with this knowledge, prepare yourself for the script he is likely to follow, you will deal with it all far better.

Please get yourself a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor, I am sure you will feel so much happier afterwards. Think about it, a court hearing that you were so afraid of your DH that you had to flee with DC without telling him, but that you are now happy for him to have regular visitation, is not going to react by saying he should have full residency of them.

Good luck.

Thankyou, Hampton, I'm not. I'm living off bits of chocolate at the moment
I've tried several times to call CAB but no answer yet.
I'll have a look for solicitors now. Flo, I think that is better for me as I am v stressed about t already and not even told him yet.
I'll let you know if I can get a solicitors help.
I have ad someone offer to come and get me and the kids in my car ( just bought to pass my test which is 6th but think I'm going to cancel it .

Good luck with everything, and remember to prepare yourself for the sorts of things he will say to try and turn you into the awful person. It was wise advise to leave a note/letter rather than phone/call initially after you have gone, but eventually he will probably contact you.

I'm sure your mum will be understanding during this time, and things will only improve from here.