So anything goes until exclusivity chat?

[OJLemonade]

I've been seeing this new guy since the end of December - he had been a friend before - we see each other every other week for one evening (he lives a couple of hours by train; I leave his place the next day early as I work at the week-end...)... He recently came on holidays in my town for the week and it was 'very lovely' (he said - I thought so too!).

We were actually supposed to be together in a very non committed way...

Well it's what I had said at the beginnning, as I was a bit scared; nothing more was said, but I thought we had got closer - still I see him trying to start conversations on social networks with a couple of girls who I know he has fantasies about - he had told me, back when we were friends!... He stopped for a while when I pulled him up on it (and gave me an unsatisfactory explanation as to what he was doing - that I didn't say I was not happy with, and I said I didn't mind - so I guess it's my fault?) - and he has started again yesterday... I'm due to see him on Friday, but I just really, really want to send him a 'what are you doing??' email... I guess that since things were officially non committal, IABU... I just thought things had changed in the meantime...

Shall I send my angry message? I don't think I should but by God I want to... or a least I want to make it clear to him that if I see him do these things - it's obvious he can't expect much from me - I sometimes wonder if he isn't doing it almost as a reaction to my perceived half-heartedness... I do think (and he said it) that he is scared of commitment - well, so am I, to be honest... I don't see us living together, or it being forever, although I feel that I absolutely love him... but the thought that he is taking steps for it to end possibly tomorrow is stopping me from enjoying our time together, really!

Any wisdom? Thanks in advance...

Tell him you now want to be exclusive and find if he does too. If he doesn't decided if you want to carry on or not.

You can't pull up on contacting others if you are not exclusive and if it causes you problems you are better off not seeing him.

I think he's telling you very clearly what he's all about

anyway. my advice would be no angry missives, just a simple chat along the lines of ' it's been five months or so now, I'm interested in a. more committed relationship, what are your thoughts? ' and take it from there

don't put up with him running around after anything that takes his fancy.

...Thanks... I had been hoping we had got to a stage where it was implied, but obviously not... He's also got a diagnosis of bi-polar, so that won't help...

If the last thing you spoke about was that it was not committed and exclusive, then I don't think it's fair to get angry because you assumed things were now different. If you haven't spoken about it, then he may not be assuming anything of the sort.

Talk to him. Say, "I saw you chatting to those girls, and it made me realise that I'm not actually as ok about that as I thought I would be. Where do we go from here?" Find out if he wants to be exclusive or not. And think about how you feel about either answer.

I would say it's rather obvious that he doesn't want to be with you exclusively yet. ... Or maybe he's keeping his options open because he thinks it's you that doesn't want to 'get serious'? A proper talk is in order.

IME the subject of exclusiveness has usually been raised by the guy just after starting to sleep together. Personally i'd be a bit put off if that didn't happen.

Did you tell him you wanted it non committed initially but secretly hoped that he'd want to get more serious as time went on?
You can't bollock him for it. He'll be making assumptions too. In fact, his isn't even an assumption, they were your words.

as far as I know, being bi polar isn't a reason to behave like a dog on heat. could be he thinks it's all casual though so just chat first

I sense issues and trouble ahead though so ask yourself if you need this. also sounds like it's long distance

Well, I told him very clearly I was worried about a relationship, and was happy with seeing him as I see him now, even though I feel very strongly for him; He mentionned a few times moving closer to where I live and I told him I didn't want to think about it. All the while though, he was being in touch with these couple of girls, hence partly why I didn't want to think about him moving closer! And when I pulled him up on it a couple of months ago, since I had realised he was being in touch with them in the same week he had mentionned moving, he said that he felt sure they would not want him and were just fantasies; Wasn't happy with that - but said nothing...

And that's where we're at!

I just can't understand why I talk about casual things, but he talks of a realtionship, (which really I would want) while at the same time trying to move away! Should he not just agree with me about the casual thing? The last thing we said had been that it was going to be casual - well, I said it, he didn't protest; but since then he had stopped chatting to these girls and we had had many good times...

Jesus!!! I think you both need to sit down and say exactly what's on your mind and what you want. It seems like a collection of mixed signals.

Not sure either of us really knows! That might be the first hurdle... When he first told me he wanted to come here on holidays I immediately told him we'd see, and it'd be ok if he changed his mind, before I even expressed any joy... tbh I was genuinely as worried as pleased, which only strikes as odd as I'm typing it now (!).

It's striking me as odd and I'm not even involved!!!!

Christ! Theres a lot of naval gazing over something thats suposed to be casual. Being exclusive is obviously something you want, so why can't you say it? If it doesnt work out, saying you want excluisivity doesnt mean youll have to stay with him forever. All this 'implied' nonsense is for teenagers.

I think that the bottom line is that I often feel he is disapproving of me; I don't know if I'm right though... which is why I hold back a lot; I can't work out whether it's me being lukewarm that's the problem - or if I'm right in thinking that it's the whole of my being that's a problem. And I don't know if he knows himself either... Getting the feeling that asking about exclusivity would be too simple!

JUST........BLEEDING...........ASK.............HIM!!!!!

Are you ready to be in a relationship?

Be clear about what you want and then ask if that's what he wants too. If you're in different places emotionally then walk away. Tbh his mentioning moving in the same week that he told you the others were 'fantasies' is ringing alarm bells for me.

Hang on, you see each other for one evening every other weekend.

One evening in 14 isn't saying a great deal is it?

Sounds to me more like a casual FB than anything committed.

It feels like your unconscious is telling you something. You are holding back for a reason.
Because he's chatting up those girls (and that behaviour IS at odds with what he says about being in a relationship) and because you feel he is disapproving of you? More?

I think you need to think very carefully about this relationship and analyse carefully why you are holding back.
You may need to end it for your sake.

I have bipolar. I'm married. I've never cheated on dh or any exes and would never do so. Hypersexuality can be a symptom in a manic phase when untreated, but we are talking women going to trucker stops to sleep with whoever is around or men spending thousands a month on prostitutes. It's very extreme.

It's certainly not flirting on Facebook. And it doesn't happen to everyone. And he has a diagnosis so I presume is getting treatment. People with bipolar can all live normal lives, hold down good jobs, enjoy healthy relationships etc.

Why don't you just ask him about where you are going?

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