Involved with Someone with Possible Mental Health Issues

[QuestStarSearcher]

Have been involved with a man for nearly 8 years now, never lived together and very on and off. I love him and accept he is not the settling down type. I get fed up with his carry on, miss him and go back to him. I just don't know what to make of him, even after all this time - does he genuinely struggle with personal relationships, life, etc or is he a player? He is adamant he fancies me, finds me very attractive, etc but will not use me for sex so we have never actually done the deed.

I'm worried about him because he has been hinting that he suffers from depression. For a while last year he went very quiet and dull and was not himself, now he has his spark back but has recently made some very irrational decisions (such as leaving a very good job without another to go to) and has been acting oddly and seems a little manic. We were seeing each other quite regularly and things were going well but then he seemed to drift off and is giving me the brush off, though gently.

I find it very upsetting, because I literally find every other man boring and just am not attracted to them, yet he does not behave in any rational or even decently normal way that you would expect a person who seems to be quite an otherwise decent individual to behave. He describes himself as "anti-social" and seems aware of his "issues".

Any advice/similar experiences? I must admit I thought he might grow out of it as he grew up - he is in his mid thirties now - but he seems to be getting worse. I would simply like him to be my boyfriend and not just for a few weeks - he has previously said he would like this as well, but seems to think I will leave him or goodness knows what goes on his mind. Admittedly, he does know my ex husband, so this might be putting him off - too close to his own turf or something?!

And what do you get out of this situation??

I have bipolar disorder. My Dh is my rock. We have ups and downs same as any relationship and it does add another challenging element to the situation.

But I receive treatment for my condition, follow the advice of my doctors and having some form of illness is not a get out of jail free card to behave like an idiot towards another human being. You have to work at your mental health. We have a strategy for managing it. I know if I didn't it would be incredibly hard for both my Dh and I to continue with the happy, balanced and healthy relationship we have forged.

If he refuses treatment then I don't know how a relationship could continue. It would be very difficult for you. Does he get help?

I am guessing here, but I suspect he was on anti-ds but they made him lose his motivation and not be himself, and he has come off them. It was when I found out he had left his job (he had kept it secret) that I only realised he has mental health issues. He keeps everything bottled up.

I guess I do get something out of it TheCow in that I enjoy being around him when he is there, but in truth, I don't get much out of it. If only I could be one of those people who can make those sorts of choices, my life would be so much easier!

You are with Mr Unavailable and you need to learn more Here or you will waste your life hoping he will grow up/get better/seek help. This is who he is!
Why settled for such a crappy half relationship? My friend does this, she loves a man who is never going to be capable of a proper loving relationship and her life is passing her by as she isn't free to meet anybody else.
Is this really what you want? What have you learned that makes you think this is anywhere near what you deserve?

I can't for the life on me see what it is that you're getting out of this "relationship" bar whole lot of trouble.

"He is adamant he fancies me, finds me very attractive, etc but will not use me for sex so we have never actually done the deed."

So, what does he "use" for sex if it's not you?

The whole thing sounds like some sort of bizarre co-dependency deal.

The problem is if he is 'hinting' after 8 years and perhaps not dealing with it, it will make it hard to have a relationship. Could you ask outright?

I have long term anxiety and some spectrum issues (mainly sensory and to do with time and recognising subtle changes of opinion over time).
If people know, I have found it much easier to get on.
I have a DH and a career no worries ... because I signpost health issues clearly before they start to spiral.

However, because of stigma I know loads and loads of people who don't, they hide it and self medicate. Society's fault really: the idea people will hate them if they tell. Sadly they can then have bad episodes and no-one knows why so they get written off as badly behaved when they're ill. :(

Yeah, so my main question would be, after 8 years, can you ask him outright?
I take it it is the behaviour which worries you, not the 'label'.

Bitter he may not have any sex drive? Depends on meds etc'. But again, if that is the case better he comes clean.

they made him lose his motivation and not be himself, and he has come off them

Just that alone is a huge problem. It takes time to tweak medication, try different ones out and get the balance right. Took me about seven months. You can't just give up because one lot doesn't quite work and certainly not stopping them without consulting his doctor.

As for not telling you about his job, the lack of sex etc. I just don't see what is so wonderful about this person. It sounds like a nightmare. Yes, his mental health can be an explanation for erratic and bizarre behaviour but he has to look after that himself. You can't fix that for him.

8 years though with...nothing? Maybe I should ask what does he get out of you being in his life? What do you do for him that he feels is worth keeping you on a string for?

*Squizita I take it it is the behaviour which worries you, not the label?"

Yes, the "label" doesn't bother me at all. Its not even his behaviour so much as the inconsistency. I don't really know what his behaviour is - I sometimes wonder if he is a player or whether he is happy to project that image occasionally because the reality is his loneliness and inability to reach out.

I can ask him, yes.

It was only the fact that he held down a good job that made me think he was "ok". Giving up his job is a big thing. Its a totally irrational and shocking behaviour. He has no plans at all.

I don't want to get married again or have children so from that point of view he isn't stopping me from meeting someone "better".

I should also add, he has to want to change his life. It takes bloody hard work and effort to address mental health problems and it's not an easy road. I agree completely with squizita that there is a huge amount of stigma attached still around this so he could be feeling uncomfortable about it.

But just by saying, well I have a problem I know I have issues, and then refusing to do anything is not really on in terms of making a relationship work.

You want mr unavailable because, maybe, you are unavailable too?

Absolutely arsenaltilidie.

Maybe work on why you feel that way.
I can almost guarantee it has nothing to do with him.

Quest Us loonies do hold down careers... we're very, very hard to spot! Although I do sometimes wish i could dress as a Batman villain day to day!