Any advice welcome

[IncompleteJigsaws]

I'm not exactly sure what I'm after here, but I'm really worried about my DSis. Her relationship with her DP (& father of her 3 kids, 1yo, 3yo and 5yo) has been very turbulent for a while. She recently has told me the following, which have disturbed me, but I don't know what to advise.

1. He has started smashing up her belongings when angry (e.g., shattered CDs, smashed up camera)
2. He shouts and shouts, including in front of the kids, and tells them things like "mummy doesn't love me, she's horrible to me all the time".
3. His moods are erratic and unpredictable
4. He constantly puts her down, saying she is "not normal", that her family is weird, that all his friends agree that she is unreasonable.
5. He has lied about where he's been going, saying he's going to work then going somewhere else
6. He has consistently lied about money.
7. My DSis has tried to break up the relationship, but always backs down when he acts sad
8. He can never accept any portion of blame for anything (e.g., accept that he may be partially to blame for anything, even when my DSis tries to say that their problems are due to both of them - due the relationship). Things are always someone else's fault. He constantly talks about what he "deserves" (e.g., "I don't deserve to be treated this way"). They don't seem able to have a calm and reasonable conversation.

I just don't think this sounds right.

My DSis keeps saying that she's acted badly too, and that she thinks it might be her fault because she's said mean things as well. I'm not saying this is not true (she's not perfect of course, like the rest of us), but I cannot imagine her doing anything like the things I've listed above, as he has.

She is terrified of "going it alone". Should I be trying to persuade her to, or to work on the relationship, or should I just listen and not give an opinion?

Thank you very much for reading.

Hi Incomplete. I also have a sister who's in a relationship which sounds a lot like what you describe (I've NCed as others know my NN).
I wish I had answers for you. I never know whether/when to advise and when to listen, either.

FWIW, what you write sounds a lot like what people describe as abusive relationships.

She cannot change him. He sounds like an abusive wanker.
Does she still love him?
Why is she so scared of going it alone? Because if she's living in fear of his temper etc., then so will the children be - and removing the source of that fear/turmoil will make them all much happier.

But - she won't listen to you, I wouldn't think. She needs to come to it herself - maybe direct her to MN, tell her to ask what to do to help sort things out, she'll get the eye-opening responses that might wake her up!
So in the meantime, you provide a listening ear, keep copies of any texts or emails she sends when he's kicked off, and, if you can, provide a safe haven for her and her DC if she needs one.

Thank you both for your messages.

Thumb, that's really useful - thank you.
She is generally scared of being a lone parent (although she does 90% of the childcare, and doesn't get much financial support from him either), and to be seen to have failed. She also pays lip service to them "loving each other" but doesn't seem to mean it, IFKWIM.

She thinks that he's probably taking illegal drugs of some sort, and doesn't trust him to tell the truth about it. This makes her think "it's not him, it's the drugs".

I would advise her to have a phone conversation with women's aid, this is definitely an abusive relationship and will only get worse. There is support out there but she has to make the first step.

She's a grown adult so presumably is competent to make her own decisions. Her children are not and are deserving of her protection, which she is not providing. Imagine how frightening it must be for their nippers to have to witness all this violence in what should be the safest and most secure place in their lives.

I think that every time she tells you about what's going on at home your response should be something along the lines of "It doesn't have to be this way. Think about the long-term effect this very frightening behaviour is having on the children".

SS will have a very dim view of her not providing the safety and security her children need and deserve while she's colluding in their emotional abuse. Which is precisely what she is doing right now.

It's not easy standing on the side-lines watching this going on but I think she needs a wake-up call.

Thank you for replying.

Bitter it's a good point about the children. Thing is, she is very, very loving and an excellent parent, and this is sort of blinding her - she is scared of them having no father at home (they cry bitterly when he threatens to leave). She would also find it very hard to view what's going on as abusive (partly because she thinks she's at least partly to blame).

Scarlet - sounds like good advice to me, but I think she would say "that's for people who are being abused, not me"

I've just been looking through some previous threads about abusive relationships and am becoming more and more sure that DSis is in one. I've seen mention of a "script" typically rolled out by abusive partners, but can't find a description of this script (I suspect seeing it may help DSis see from a different perspective the ways she's kept in the relationship). Can anyone link to something that might describe this "script", please? Thank you very much.

What you're describing is an abusive relationship. If she's saying she wants to get out but is worried about the practical aspects, you stand a chance of helping her by getting information on finances, accommodation and that kind of thing. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are a good resource for women like your sister but they are very busy so don't give up first time around. If he is aggressive, destructive or similar then call the police.

If she's sticking around because she feels responsible for him or feel to blame in some way... if she's staying 'for the sake of the children' or something else misguided.... then you've got an uphill struggle. Victims of abuse often become very conditioned to their circumstances and are reluctant to break free out of fear.

Whatever you do, don't persuade her to give it another go. Do you have other family? Mother and father? Brothers? Something you might want to consider in the meantime is letting your sister's partner know that you've got your eye on him. Bullies find it more difficult to operate when their victim has support

If you want reading material I recommend these

Are You Dating An Abuser? Talks about the early warning signs of an abusive relationship and I think she'll recognise many of them.

Womens Aid: Emotional Abuse

Womens Aid: What is Domestic Violence?

Thank you Cognito - that's very useful.

If she's sticking around because she feels responsible for him or feel to blame in some way... if she's staying 'for the sake of the children' or something else misguided.... then you've got an uphill struggle.

This is definitely the case for her, but she has also now told me she's sure she wants it to end. So I'll offer any support she wants (have already said they can all come and stay with us any time) and let him know I know.

Just looked at that first link Cogito - it's like a character description of her partner

Just remember that this will not be an easy decision for her. Leaving any relationship is tough. Leaving when you've got three small children is tougher. Leaving when you've got three small children and your self-confidence and self-esteem have been ground into the dirt by years of abuse man is horrendously difficult. She will be saying 'I want to leave' etc in part because she knows it's what you want to hear as well as knowing it's the right thing to do. But there is a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon between knowing what she should do and actually taking the step of doing it.

Thanks Cogito - that is a much needed reminder. I'm going to have to resist over-encouraging her to leave, as I know it's a very different matter from inside the relationship.