Please remind me of all your success stories...having a wobbly moment...

[mammadiggingdeep]

Hello all...

I split from my EA, unfaithful ex p a year ago. My beautiful dd's were 8 months and 2 at the time.

It's been a year. I'm mostly happy and dd's are doing well.

As I face sending dd1 off to school in September (my baby is growing up too fast), I am going through a patch of self-doubt and anxiety about how their home life will affect them. We are a happy little threesome, and they see their daddy a couple of times a month, sometimes every week. It's a bit hit and miss (that's him all over). He loves them and I now they feel loved by him.

I just wonder if living with only me will affect them. What if I meet somebody one day and want to live with him- does living with a step parent affect kids?

Help. Just want the best for my girls and worry that I've fucked things up for them. So, remind me that this CAN be ok, it WILL be ok. Success stories please!

Let me just correct myself...my ex ducked things up for them by behaving like a dick but I fucked up by choosing him!

If he is a dick and stays then your little girls will learn that it's ok to stay with a man who is a dick so therefore you have done the right thing. How was he a dick?

Oh yes... Unfaithful. Yep... They will be fine and learn that mummy is a strong woman who won't take any shite... And neither should they.

In sooooo many ways. Cheating (no big affair but I know he was having flings). Refusing to join in family time. Everything on his terms. Didnt like my family who are the most inoffensive people ever. Would disappear off and come back at daft o clock and wouldn't think I had a right to express concern/annoyance. Detached emotionally. Withheld affection. Showed no interest on my life at all. Has lighting.

Gas lighting that was. Lying...big lies.

I hope so superstar. Just wonder if they'll grow up always wishing they had a daddy living at home. Kills me to think she might go to school and feel 'lacking'.

Doubful. These days it's quite normal for children to live with only one parent, or a parents and step parent, or something more complicated than that. She won't stand out or feel odd. It's just the way her family is. If they are having contact with Dad and feel loved by him, I don't think it'll do much harm.

Of course children would want their parents to be together and happy, in an ideal world. But even children can understand not everything in life is perfect, and that what they have is good.

He sounds like a dick just from how little he sees them!

You have my utmost respect...I don't know how you do it.

Thanks....I think I know they'll be ok deep down but sending her off to school makes me realise that she's going into the big bad world. It's hard enough already (as we know) without complications.

Thanks for replying, you have helped. X

3 years on, DS is thriving at school, enjoying new experiences, enjoying meeting new people.
He is sufficiently self assured

Besides, girls are resilient.

When your dd goes to school she will, without realising it, be exposed to all kinds of families...mummy and daddy, mummy and dc, daddy and dc, two mummies etc etc. it will be normal for her.

She will be fine. Your younger dd will really have never known anything other Than a happy mummy with dc family and will be just fine too.

And you will have something to be very proud of: deciding that your dds deserved a happy home then achieved that. And if you meet someone else I'm sure you would take it very slowly and make sure it was good, too.

At least you'll have experience of spotting a dud!!!

Thanks all. You're brilliant. Just what I need to hear...

thanks x

Oh, dear OP, learn from my (dreadful) example. Stayed with super-dick for twenty years, because (a) I thought it best for our two kids and (b) he said if I left, I could whistle for any financial support from him (it was the 1970s, things different then).

It nearly killed me, physically and emotionally, but I stuck it out. Of course the kids, when they were older, realised what an awful man he was. It was a totally miserable, dreadful 20 years.

Now my kids are in their mid forties, with wonderful spouses and families of their own. But they've often asked me, bemused, why the hell I didn't get out early on, when I realised what a ghastly piece of work he was ... long term affair with my 'best friend' and other women. Keeping me short of money while flashing the cash on his OW. Taking every opportunity to demean and scorn me in front of other people. Having a reputation for groping women at parties, dances ... (I'm surprised he hasn't had his collar felt for that, even all these years later!) Visiting 'massage parlour' (yes, those sorts!)

But I stayed for 20 sodding years. I give thanks that my kids have turned out how they have, but I could kick myself for putting up with his shit for so long. I've never looked back since leaving ...

You'll be fine, OP and so will your lovely girls.

Oldgrandmama...thank you. I know that I would've felt that I'd wasted time- I felt sad enough that my pregnancies and the new born years were tainted with his bullshit.

You must be strong to have stuck it for 20 years and sounds like you have a great family. Thanks for saying my girls and I will be ok. It means a lot to hear it from other women who love their kids and have walked in my shoes.

I split from EA ex twunt 2 years ago. I worried about the impact on the 3 dcs (then aged 5-13). In fact that was the only thing that really kept us together as long as we were. I had tried to separate the year before but ds1 got into such a state and begged us not to split up so I foolishly gave it another year, giving ds false hope and me another year of misery.

Fast forward 2 years, all the dcs are very well adjusted, got used to the new situation within a couple of months, happy to visit their dad once a week (it's a bit of a faff, which they could do without, remembering to take clothes, toys, books for school tomorrow etc) but it doesn't seem to be an emotional upheaval, just a physical one.

I've met a lovely man who the dcs all love too. He doesn't live with us but spends lots of time here when he doesn't have his dcs and they all visit at the weekend.

I honestly feel like we have the best possible outcome. We were never going to be a big happy family, so making the leap was always going to happen at some point. I had thought about waiting until they were all grown up, but I'm so glad I didn't. Kids adjust so well as long as everyone is open and honest, they feel loved and cared for and they get to talk about any issues.

The fact that yours are so young means (perhaps sadly, or perhaps luckily) they won't remember things any other way. They will grow up with lots of friends in the same situation and won't feel like they are 'the odd ones'. In fact ds2 had 2 other friends in his class whose parents separated at the same time, so they all supported each other.

You've done the best thing for your dcs by removing them from a potentially damaging situation and giving them the opportunity to grow up in a happy home.

Thank you....it is sad they won't remember any different but better in the long run I think. It's nice to know they've accepted your new partner. I'm not quite ready to date but it does worry me that I won't be able to have a relationship again. It feels so weird, my parents Are stil together as are all my siblings and spouses. I haven't got much experience of split families. I do have some good friends who grew up with mum only and they are amazing, loving, successful people. That squashes my anxiety. As do your posts- thank you.