I'd welcome your views

[2020visionehdad]

Thanks. I don't want to weary you or drip feed. Please understand I feel desperately vulnerable.I'm also very aware that anything I post is self selected.
Some background. I had a dreadfully abusive first marriage and realise afterwords that I have clung onto this relationship. . I met him just after the death of my beloved father.

Anyhow. He has a history of infidelity. The last I discovered 8 years ago; it was via social network with an old UK girlfriend.
I'd given up my job to accompany him in his very high flying job abroad.
We have tried since but for various reasons sex is a huge issue. I've become unable.

Fast forward. Following a row last night when he was just rude, he left and went ahead on a booked holiday without me. I wasn't even given a last minute reprieve! He is emotionally quite cold, and controlling. I'm the reverse, and have cited emotional in congruence as a reason for my great unhappiness. I am however very aware that I am very afraid of being alone, I am also quite poor but he has great financial security. I mention this as my resources are very limited. I don't feel I want to 'take him for money'.

There isn't a way back from this, is there?

I cannot as yet discuss this with anyone IRL so I welcome views.
Thanks for reading.

When you say you 'had a dreadfully abusive first marriage' does that mean the 'cold and controlling' man you're describing is your second marriage? An unmarried partner?

It doesn't sound like the current relationship is making anyone happy. Suggest you overcome your fear of being alone & make sure you get a fair share of the marital assets (assuming you're married) in order to start fresh. A fair settlement would not be 'taking him for money'

I would then suggest, once you're well away from the relationship, that you consider some personal counselling to work out why you are afraid of being independent and why you're prepared to tolerate poor behaviour to the extent you describe.

Good luck

Thankyou Cogito , yes! The second marriage is the one I ' clung onto ' . And I think you are right regarding no one being really happy, but perhaps being afraid to put that out there, irretrievably, as it were.

You see, I can be dramatic, but he is so emotionally constipated that ANY emotional outburst goes from zero to critical in nanoseconds.
This is why I have become silent.

Anyway, thankyou. I do aporeciate your response and interest!

I am terribly alone and it means a lot to have any help. So thanks again.

Why would you want to continue a relationship with a man who is cold, controlling and has been cheating on you for years.

Seriously, it's worse than an Eastenders episode.

Learn to love yourself more then you will find the strength to lead a life without this drain on you emotionally.

Sounds like the pair of you started out incompatible, have chosen to ignore it for whatever reason, and that it has led to resentment, anger, frustration, unreasonable behaviour and all the rest. Put the whip down. The horse has long since ceased to be. Sadly, I don't think you'll realise quite how bad things are and how much it's affecting you mentally until some time after you've split. You could call it putting it out there irretrievably or you could call it committing to a future with self-respect.