should i interfer???

[mismylinford]

ok long story ill try make it short its about my dh and his farther.
my dhs parents split up when he was 2 his dad worked away on ships and their marriage ended because of his dads job dh only saw his dad 2/3 times a year growing up... usually cut short has his dad wanted to.go fishing and didn't take dh.
his mum got remarried and had more children and dh sees them as his full family.
when dh was 16 his dad was due to pick him up on boxing day and take him out for a meal but never showed up. and he didn't show up or call and Dhaka never contacted him as he was so upset.
when Dh was 26 he found a bereavement in the news paper for his grandad (dads dad) and we was shocked and went to the funeral after 10 years of no contract with that side of the family. his dad wasn't there... and he found out that he still worked on ships but off the coast of Australia and that he lived in Brazil, he had a partner and a daughter (5at the time).
dh was very shocked and took him months to finally email his dad.
in the first emails his dad never explained why he suddenly left... went to Brazil or even if his new family knew about him. but it was clear the his dad had been back to England.in the 10 years just never saw Dh.
they finally met up again but again never talked about what happened or why it happened... or when had happened to either of them in 10 years.
we see dh dad once a year and have done for 6 years, every time its quite reserved and not much is said... his dad talks about fishing.. and work which is pretty much it.
dh now 32 had a mental breakdown last year suffering from deep depression his dad is due to come and visit next month but last night after seeing an old picture of his dad fishing he got really angry and dosnt want to see him or have anything to do with him.
do i interfer?
they never worked out their issues they both hide from it. i feel like maybe i should write his dad a letter.... explaining what dh can't say... i feel like there is more to the story of why his dad left. or should i just let sleeping dogs lie as i might make everything worse?

No.

In a nutshell. Just no.

It isn't your place, if your DH wants to contact his father it has to come from him and him alone.

Hi op

The short answer is no don't do anything, your husband may not thank you for it, and his dad could get very defensive and it could go very badly for everyone.

It is your partners choice to sort this of he wants to, he may never get the answers he seeks and thats a fact of life for a lot of people.
If his dad doesn't care or is oblivious to how his son feels then he won't change because you pull him on it.

Definitely don't interfere. You seem to be assuming that your husband's mental illnesses are driven by the relationship he has with his birth father and I don't think that's necessarily the case. He has had a stable family life with his mother and her new husband etc. and, even though it is 'reserved' by your standards, connecting through fishing (or football or some other interest) is very common. The recent depression and breakdown - for which I hope he is getting excellent care - could be quite coincidental.

cogito- i wish i could say he was get good care... i support him as much as i can he is on anti depressents and has only just managed to get coucilin after a 9 month wait.
he has suffered depression for many many years and has mentioned his dad and how sad he feels before last year but now he won't talk about it at all. im just trying to help him and don't know what's for the best. i guess leaving him too it is better then making it worse.

If you really want to help him I suggest you throw your full weight behind getting him treatment. Pester people, nag the doctor, make a nuisance of yourself etc. People with depression often lack the energy to keep trying.

i have done everything i can to speed his treatment up i constantly leaving messages on the numbers for the mental health clinic 3/4 times a week since September to no reply. i sent an official complaint in December to the nhs about the waiting time again to which i got fobbed off. in January i wrote a letter to my mp explaining the problem a week later we got a call for him to go for an assement... which he was then put on yet another waiting list... again with the phone calls letters and complaining. finally he sees someone tomorrow. i have fraught for his treatment as he just can't cope with dealing with organising things at all.

Then you're doing everything possible and I commend you. FWIW I don't think there is any magic form of words or actions that his birth father could say or do that would cure his depression. In fact, I'm wondering if he has inherited his MH issues from his father and that aspect of not being able to cope with things was part of the man's absence originally

we know that mh issues runs my husbands mum's family. and they run in mine too which is why i fight so much for him. i think if him and is dad could find common ground it might help both of them.
spoke to my mum and she just said... they are both men and trying to get men to talk is like leading a horse to water. just have to hope one day they can talk