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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Self destructing, how to stop?

17 replies

Celestria · 19/05/2014 19:13

The usual story, had a rubbish childhood, child abuse, been in counselling and basically have very low self esteem, abandonment and rejection issues.

I met my fiancé a year ago and love him so much. We are very similar, have both had trauma in the past and both have issues that we know and work with. We are really happy together, engaged now and planning on moving in soon. I have 4dc and they adore him.

So what's the problem? Me. I have such a low opinion of myself and due to childhood stuff, I can't quite believe it's going to work out. This gets worse at that time of the month. I get insecure and look for signs that he is losing interest or convince myself he will see the real me, the one whose mother left and the rest of the family chose my abuser over me.

He means the world to me, as do my kids and I can't tell you how happy I feel with him. But I think I am going to ruin things with my issues and I start telling myself I should finish with him so I don't hurt him and I don't get hurt myself. It's a protection thing.

I have been in counselling but it hasn't really changed anything. I just don't believe there is anything special enough about me to keep such a lovely man. He is very understanding and doesn't get cross when I try push that self destruct button but I want to stop this and just accept I have a lovely man who loves me and my dc. What can I do?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 19/05/2014 19:22

If its worse at that time of the month you should look into getting your bloods taken incase you have unusually high levels of progesterone. The stuff is evil.

Original poster
Celestria · 19/05/2014 19:27

I have PMDD and about to go back on the mini pill as it's the only contraception that keeps me level. I also had a breakdown in January and still in recovery.

Sometimes in my silly head I just don't think happiness is for me. I am scared of it, when it happens I wait for the pain when it goes wrong. I tell myself to stop being daft but it's the way I have been for as long as I remember, it's so deep in me. I don't want to ruin what we have. I just don't know how to start believing in someone and believing in happiness. My counsellor tells me too, but it's not as easy as that.

OP posts:
NotaDragonsEgg · 19/05/2014 19:32

Stop looking for what is 'special enough' about you and accept that everyone deserves to be respected and loved. Sounds trite I know.

Original poster
Celestria · 19/05/2014 22:17

I do try, I am working really hard on positive thinking and being in the moment. My friend gave me a good talking to, she understands my silliness and puts things in perspective for me. Anyone would think I was 12 not 30.

My counsellor thinks I need a clinical psychologist but there is a three year wait. I was hoping there was something I could do in my own time. A self esteem course or something. I didn't really find the counselling helpful, in that we identified my issues but I need to find the answers myself, I guess I presumed she would give me them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celestria · 19/05/2014 22:18

I do try, I am working really hard on positive thinking and being in the moment. My friend gave me a good talking to, she understands my silliness and puts things in perspective for me. Anyone would think I was 12 not 30.

My counsellor thinks I need a clinical psychologist but there is a three year wait. I was hoping there was something I could do in my own time. A self esteem course or something. I didn't really find the counselling helpful, in that we identified my issues but I need to find the answers myself, I guess I presumed she would give me them.

OP posts:
NotaDragonsEgg · 20/05/2014 03:07

Have you looked at mindfulness? That is sort of being in the moment.

Today I nearly dumped my boyfriend in a crazy spell. My phone wasn't receiving his messages and I convinced myself he doesn't care about me having to cancel our plans. I recognised I was being crazy and waited it out, also talked to him about it. It helped.

Also I try and give myself a break, I've been through a lot of shit, single parent (only to one dc!), no wonder I struggle some time. If it was a physical problem and you had bad days you would probably be more forgiving of yourself?

Also I find acknowledging that it might not work out is helpful. It would be really sad but not the end of the world if I split up with my boyfriend (not engaged or anything, early days). I know I would cope... because there isn't any other choice, but still. That seems to make it easier to take a chance on it working.

isme10 · 20/05/2014 05:54

NotaDragonsEgg is quite right by saying that..... "acknowledging that it might not work out is helpful"........its a coping strategy for disappointments, of all sorts, in life. How you are feeling comes from a habit based on all your past experiences and giving up a habit is an extremely difficult thing to do. Knowing the cause of your feelings is helpful but learning to ignore the negative and focus on the positive is the hard bit.

A on day at a time approach is probably the best and keep a diary too that lists all the lovely things that happen each day including how loving and understanding your fiancé has / is being. Only focus on the nice things when you are writing it down and banish any negative thoughts,

When you have bleak days re-read your diary to remind yourself that good things can and, indeed do happen to you.

Its a long road to recovery from deep seated insecurity and perhaps you should realise that it never, entirely, goes away but it can be managed and you can live a full and happy life if you take small steps of learning new and more positive habits and putting them into practice on a daily basis.

Accepting that you have the problem and being brave enough to acknowledge and admit it is the first step well done you and keep going and good luck.

WildBill · 20/05/2014 07:27

You need a word to repeat to yourself (mentally) when you start to think like this;

keep it simple and just use it to check your thoughts.

'Enough' or 'I'm good enough'

(You are)
x

Original poster
Celestria · 20/05/2014 07:39

Thank you for the posts, they are really helpful. I was very wobbly last night, had just come back from a weekend away which was lovely but also a huge step to take after having the breakdown, I think I was overtired.

I am going to do the diary idea and I do need to work on acknowledging it might not work out.

OP posts:
Maisie0 · 20/05/2014 08:33

I agree with what a lot of the ladies wrote above. I think you need to separate some issues. Which is there is a always a set of anti-mother angst as we grow up, and then separate and different issues which are specifically related to each person. I know what mine are. Once a while, a memory pops up and some emotions come with it. In those moments, I kind of let it come to me, and I appear silent in whatever it is that I am doing, but I try to let my mind sync with how I feel, and let my emotions come through. I do not try and say to myself mentally "not now" or a "I am not good enough". Don't do that. Because it is all part of you.

For me, I would recommend maybe some "me" time each day, and maybe try meditation or other. It does let some of the emotions and overthinking to come through.

The other thing is, never think of yourself as "not good enough". That is silly talk, but it is silly because you seem to feel "shame", and I came to realise that "shame" should not exist, especially if it is not something that you did, or caused. So if you often seem "shame", it could be something else related to your own past. The thing is that, you have to remember that when you were growing up, a lot of things were not within your own control, some things were in your control. I often try to rationalise it, and understand the other person's doing, and the circumstances that it occurred in, and I realised it. I can manage to let it go, only because I acknowledged the information and the context of what occurred. This then releases the emotions from my heart, and I then become free. Do not ever think that some things in your past were a conscious choice from yourself. Sometimes it is not something that we did which cause a situation, but it is also the action done by others too. If you see it that way, then it does release some of the "self blame" which you exert on yourself.

Remember to take it slow too. Mindfulness, yoga, meditation, self help, are all tools. To stay focus is the goal. But to get to the goal, let yourself slowly have a good start first, and let the emotions come through, do not necessarily suppress them. When most emotions are more or less release from inside of yourself, then each choice in every day life, can be more obvious to yourself then. Then you can "choose" better choices each day which feels right for yourself. And to towards goals that you desire.

Dirtybadger · 20/05/2014 08:39

Have you had CBT? It might help with getting out of the negative thoughts habit. I would also say don't marry until you're feeling better. A year isn't long. And you've a lot going on. Planning a wedding is stressful and may trigger more anxiety. Anyway, CBT. It should be relatively accessible. I was referred by my GP a few years ago and waited maybe 6-10 weeks.

Dirtybadger · 20/05/2014 08:39

Have you had CBT? It might help with getting out of the negative thoughts habit. I would also say don't marry until you're feeling better. A year isn't long. And you've a lot going on. Planning a wedding is stressful and may trigger more anxiety. Anyway, CBT. It should be relatively accessible. I was referred by my GP a few years ago and waited maybe 6-10 weeks.

Original poster
Celestria · 20/05/2014 10:20

Thank you again, some great advice. I have been told I should have cbt, however where I am there is an 18 month waiting list.

OP posts:
NotaDragonsEgg · 20/05/2014 13:33

You are not in Scotland by any chance? There is a NHS CBT phone service for people in Scotland. I'll link to it incase it is useful to anyone. Living Life

Original poster
Celestria · 20/05/2014 14:10

Yes I am! That's brilliant thanks so much for that, will give them a call Thanks

OP posts:
NotaDragonsEgg · 20/05/2014 15:44

Yay!

Really poor that your health professionals haven't pointed you to it though.

NotaDragonsEgg · 30/05/2014 13:48

Hows things OP?

I had a total meltdown yesterday, taking on too much I think.

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