when people seem to enjoy having an affair

[holdyourown]

My exh had an affair, I still don't know exactly how long for, and it was a bolt from the blue for me. I had wondered if he was depressed for months/years prior and looking back he was very EA during this time. When he left he was exceptionally nasty and it was shocking at the time. He really did seem to be 'enjoying' the affair, the ego boost, the 'power' of it?

Sadly one of my friends is cheating on a boyfriend and being exactly like this it has brought it all back. I try not to talk with her about it but am quite shocked that she's acting like she really hates the bf and is really contemptuous of him. I'm surprised and sad about it all but it also made me stop to think about why some people seem to really relish their affair and being nasty to someone they loved.

Sorry for the ramble but just needed to get it out, maybe others on here have experience of this? I'd like to understand it more really I suppose

I'm not saying everyone who has an affair has the same motives but what you're describing sounds like spite You used the word contemptuous and I think that's exactly right. They think the partner is amiable but stupid, have no respect for them whatsoever but, rather than do the decent thing and call it a day, they enjoy pulling the wool over their eyes. There's a term 'predatory self-esteem'.... deriving a feeling of superiority from the discomfort of others.

I'd be backing off from your 'friend'. Not because she's cheating but because she's very cruel. Not a good personality trait.

And if they did have respect for them they justify destroying that so that they can live without the dissonance. It's easier to be a cunt when you've made yourself believe someone else deserved it anyway.

And if they did have respect for them they justify destroying that so that they can live without the dissonance. It's easier to be a cunt when you've made yourself believe someone else deserved it anyway.

I think that people who find themselves having an affair have to justify it to themselves by convincing themselves what a shit person their actual partner is and that they deserve it. Otherwise they would have to face the terrible truth that they themselves are the shit person.

Contempt is the death of any relationship, an affair need not be.

I suspect the contempt started a long time before the affair.

thanks it has helped to just be able to get it out in the open and get some outside perspectives
cogito thank, that predatory self esteem thing is interesting too
yes it has shown the friend in a different light I guess. It's hard because I'm trying to be a friend and not bring my own baggage to it but inevitably the reminders aren't great, having been on the receiving end.
dirtybadger and wellitsallgonenow yes I think it's as if by blaming the other person it justifies it, that's right.
wildbill yes, although contempt is a lot worse since the affair I think