Unsuited to being in a relationship?

[fraggleland]

I think I am at the end of yet another relationship. Been with dp for two years. He moved in with me after just 6 mths. He was jobless and about to be made homeless. I felt it was soon, but felt I ought to offer, and he happily accepted.

Things were OK, though he couldn't pay me any money, as he had maintenance to pay,he would help towards food. I was not entirely happy with this, but as I had not laid down any ground rules or discussed money before moving in, felt I was to blame for the situation. I do not earn a lot, I just about break even.

Dp did not appear to be looking very hard for work. I would help him with his CV, encourage him to apply for things or go out and ask for work. I think he is shy and lacks confidence, and it is not easy for him. He enjoys cooking, so he does all of it. I do everything else, and regularly return home after work and do housework, as well as being responsible for everything, including pick up/drop off of his child. He very rarely goes out without me.

After almost a year, he announced he had found work a broad.Well, It pretty much found him, through a friend. Things had been difficult as I'd been feeling resentful, so off he went. He would send me money if I asked, so helped out quite a bit. He was gone 6 mths.

He has now returned. Only been back a few weeks, but has not done anything about looking for work, and has just been to sign on. He also hasn't offered any money towards bills.
I feel I don't want to turn into a nag, so generally keep quiet then get all passive aggressive.
He had his child over at the weekend and got up at 11am yesterday, then went back to bed at 3 For a couple of hours before I drove the 2hr round trip to take child home.

I finished work and got home to have to do floors as filthy, and bring in washing off the line. Hoover is blocked, so I got a bit silly and cross with it. He then said he can see I don't want him here, and he will be looking for somewhere else to live.
He then went to bed and is not speaking to me.
I didn't even shout!? I never do, just a bit of huffing and puffing.
I just keep thinking that I am too selfish to put all this work into relationships. I actually love living alone. I do wish I could meet someone that would share some of the responsibility, or just try to make my life easier.
This seems to be a recurring theme for me. Every 3 yrs or so. I seem unable to maintain a relationship for longer. Maybe I need to give things more time? Not quite sure if I have the energy to keep working on dp. He is sweet and gentle and I suppose there are worse things than being lazy?

Oh well looks like he is going to leave me anyway. I went to hug him and he pushed me away. That hurt, he is normally affectionate. I really have upset him, when I just wanted him to help out a bit more.

The problem is you seem to be picking terrible men and getting into shit relationships where you don't dare express your concerns.

Thanks Jon. My other exes have been more obviously emotionally abusive. This one seems quite different. You are right about expressing myself, I have great difficulty with it.

Me too, mate. Like you, I can't say what I feel so go all Passive aggressive until quite clearly I'm in the wrong for acting like a twat.
The best thing I've done is just stay single. It's a depressing prospect but there have been some flings....my logic is, I'll know when the right person comes along. I think deep down we always know when we're settling for "slightly less shot than the last one" don't we?

*shit not shot

I think you are doing the right thing ending things or him ending things. Sounds like he is taking you for granted. Not every man is as selfish as him maybe you just haven't met the right person yet.

Thanks! I didn't think he was abusive, but can see what you're saying. Abusive in a different way. I do have shockingly low standards. Always have.
Yes to being single. I built up quite a nice social life while he was away. At least there would be no one around to judge me for swearing at the hoover...!
He is now sitting in the garden, still not talking to me.

He's a child - you want a grown up. Tell him it's not working for you and let him go. Clock lodgers might be good if they have a golden one, but even then a clock lodger is what they are and it will never give you what you deserve - better than this. As per fabulouse- time better spent exploring why you have put up with this and why you invited him to live with you in the first place against your better judgement - mist women are brought up to be "rescuers" which is crap when you start wanting adult-adult relationships!

He has been taking you for granted and if he's not working then he should be pulling his weight at home. But you do need to sit down and discuss it with him properly. One thing I learned through counselling after XH left, was how to talk about issues rather than expecting the other party to know what the problem was.

If he won't pull his weight then you are better off without him around.

Cocklodger writ large.

He gets up for a mere four hours before going back to bed, while you spend two hours driving his kid home? You come back to dirty floors, washing still out on the line, a blocked hoover while he's in bed having a kip .... I'd be doing a lot more than a bit of huffing and puffing.

I'd have my toe up his arse booting him out of that bed faster than you could say 'sweet and gentle' and I wouldn't be huffing and puffing I'd be reading him his fortune. Lazy, freeloading git.

And then he's got the nerve to get all moody on you?

Nah, you're worth better than that. Show him the door.

Thanks all so much.
He is definitely a cocklodger. I thought when he worked away and sent me some money things were going to be different, but I can see nothing's changed.
Well he's come in from the garden, and is still giving me the silent treatment. I hope that he can find somewhere else to go fairly quickly, as this will do my head in.

I think this is financially abusive, which is on the list of abusive. He is now making this 'your fault' when it sounds like he is a freeloading cocklodger, who thinks his sole contribution should be cooking and his presence. It's not you, it's him.

Chances are that he actually has no intention of leaving and he just thinks that you will just be grateful when he decides to talk to you again. You are probably going to have to ask him when he is leaving and make him leave.

Is it only me wondering if the reason he sent you money whilst he was away was to keep you onside in his absence...in case you did too much thinking about the relationship and binned him off?

Fraggleland,

This cocklodger (and yes he is abusive as well) you have lumbered yourself with certainly needs to go as of now. Why did you drive 2 hours to take his child back home, what was all that about?.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. What examples were you shown?.

Why do you have such low standards; where did all this start with you?.

Why did you offer this man bed and board after six months even though you felt it was too soon; what made you go against your better judgment here?. Do you have an innate need to rescue and save these waifs and strays from themselves?.

Sorry for all the questions but thinking about all the above needs to be done.

I would suggest you start reading "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood and "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

Atilla, wow. Yes, growing up I had very poor examples. My parents relationship was horrendous. I am afraid of conflict. I am a people pleaser, yet always feel I am selfish, and don't give enough.
Today I returned home to a clean house. He fixed the hoover and had made made a lovely dinner. He has sold an expensive piece of equipment to a friend, and is giving me money for this months bills. He has apologised. I can't help wondering if this is because he has nowhere else to go? or is he making an effort to change. He has also got an application form for a job.
Do I hang on in here? Has he finally got the message? Or am I kidding myself?

He hasn't got the message. He's realised he's on thin ice, and that his meal ticket will soon be over, so he's acting nice to win you around. You've lived with him on and off, for 2 years, is this the real him?

I don't suppose there's any chance he might have read this thread is there ... and thought fuck, I better get my act together. Seems a bit odd he's suddenly done a 360 turn.

Agree he is trying to keep his meal ticket and the new him won't last long. Get rid, and invest some time in yourself. It might be worth seeing if you can do some counselling (I think Relate sees individuals as well as couples) and think about what kind of relationship you want. Break the pattern.

Try embracing singledom for a while. It sounds a lot preferable to the various relationships you've been in.