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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a good shake and someone to be honest

16 replies

Justme21 · 19/05/2014 16:15

I have no friends. That's another story. So I haven't talked to anyone about this just need some advice

I am married. Have been for 20 years. Past twelve years not been so good. Some my problem. Some dh. He has been controlling and verbally abusive at times. My fault though.

Anyway. A year ago I met up with my very first boyfriend. We started seeing each other and fell in love all over again. On and off we split as I felt guilty or something happened. But this year we became very serious and got a house together. I left my husband for him and moved in. I missed my dh, I missed my home and I missed my children (all over 20). So I came back. Dh welcomed me. After a while the other guy started to text and I missed him. We met again. Nothing had changed. He wants me back. But I am so torn. I love both men. What one has missing from our relationship. The other can give me. Pros and cons for both men. I just don't know what to do. Please help

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 19/05/2014 16:19

Flip a coin

DorothyGherkins · 19/05/2014 16:20

You can love two people, but you are not being fair to either. Hurtful all round. I d suggest living by yourself for a bit, and sorting your priorities out. I d assume you d be heartbroken if either of these men werent being mutually exclusive with you?

Original poster
Justme21 · 19/05/2014 16:21

I know it's not being fair on them. I don't want to hurt either of them. I just don't know what to do. I am unable to go anywhere alone. No money to move out etc

OP posts:
RedRoom · 19/05/2014 16:23

You cannot make yourself an imaginary 'third man' out of the best bits of two separate people. You choose one or the other, and if you can't, I'd suggest that neither is right for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/05/2014 16:24

What you should probably do is move out again and set up as an independent person rather than looking to either man to boost your self-esteem, ego or whatever it is that is actually missing from your life. FWIW I don't like the sound of either of them, especially not the abusive controlling one that you've plumped for.... and you're being fair to neither of them, nor yourself.

Have you ever had much time just being yourself? Or have you always had to be with someone to feel you matter?

RedRoom · 19/05/2014 16:24

^^ Unless, of course, they are both happy with an open marriage scenario.

gibbly · 19/05/2014 16:25

I would second being on your own for a while, be happy with yourself then you'll be able to make a clearer decision

LavenderGreen14 · 19/05/2014 16:26

your husband being abusive isn't your fault though is it?

I agree, be on your own. You don't need someone else to run to in order to leave your marriage.

neiljames77 · 19/05/2014 16:26

You really are on the horns of a dimella.
I suggest you go with the one that doesn't abuse you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 19/05/2014 16:28

You don't want to hurt ether of them? Haven't you done precisely that already?

To be honest, with absolutely no evidence to support my position I'd go for the one who hasn't been controlling and verbally abusive in the past. Would you care to explain how that could have been your fault?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/05/2014 16:33

What's the 'other story' behind you having no friends, incidentally? If you have no-one to confide in and your husband is a moron, then it sort of throws you into the path of old flames and the like. Sympathy, a listening ear and first boyfriend nostalgia is a powerful mix easily confused with love.

AMumInScotland · 19/05/2014 16:36

You really do need to split from both of them. The mere fact that you can't imagine living on your own - lack of money really doesn't stop you if you are determined to make a go of it - suggests that you lack the confidence to be your own person.

Your choices are both bad ones - an abusive husband, or 'first love' which lets you pretend you are 16 again. Choose to be yourself, separate from both of them. When you work out who you are, you'll work out who (if anyone) you want to be with.

neiljames77 · 19/05/2014 16:41

I've seen quite a few of these threads now and a lot of the time, the advice is to spend time on your own. I wonder how many actually do?

AMumInScotland · 19/05/2014 16:44

Very few, I would guess. Being in a relationship is so much the norm for many people that we might as well say "Move to Outer Mongolia".

But any OP who wants us to simply say "Ooh, contestant number 2 sounds better" might at least find the repetition makes them think a tiny bit about why they are asking us which man they ought to live with!

wonderingwoman64 · 19/05/2014 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/05/2014 18:42

Very few people have the integrity or confidence to choose neither the rock nor the hard place... :)

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