Lost all perspective...

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

Dp & I have been together many years. 4 dc. 2 SN.

Dp had an awful child hood that has affected him deeply & how he reacts to things.

Dp can't communicate. We only talk on a day to day level. We've had a horrendous year. It's actually getting worse.

I'm now dealing with absolutely everything. House, dc, family, money, baby etc.. I'm on anti depressants as of last week as I couldn't function any more.

Dp isn't horrible to me. He never says unkind things. Hes never critical. He works. He's never cheated. Rarely drinks.

He's not supportive. He isn't affectionate unless we're having sex which we haven't since i was pregnant. He's totally shut down. He's not a very good dad. He's great with the baby...but I'm ebf so no night waking etc.

I need us to separate. I can't cope anymore. I need to put my dc first. He NEVER puts them first. I'm mentally drained. Dc are very demanding & I've no one to help apart from dp but he isn't capable.

I'm worried if i make dp leave, he'll get even more depressed. I hate feeling responsible for him. I'm his partner. His mum died last year. He's no other family. 1 friend.

What do i do? I can't go on as i am. The dc need me more then him. He isn't of any help to me & I'm on my knees with depression & anxiety. Do I even make any sense??

These and this are for you.

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time, the antidepressants may not have kicked in yet, so hopefully you will start feeling the benefits from those soon.

You sound like you are doing a wonderful job as a mum, your DC will thank you for that one day, they will also want to know that their mum looked after herself emotionally.

You should not sacrifice your own well being out of pity & responsibility towards another adult.

Others, wiser than me, will be along with some wonderful advice and support. Good luck.

Thanks for replying...its going round & round in my head.

The dc are everything to me. I've nothing without them. No career, no friends or family.

My boys are really hard work. We were out all day yesterday. But i coped fine. We actually had fun! Dd 12 is so lovely, bless her. I need to show her how a partner should be not the way we are. She realising something is wrong & keeps asking what I need her to do. She a child , not responsible for her siblings or my stress.

I don't hate dp I just feel terribly hurt & disappointed in him...

What is the situation regarding your housing?.

You cannot stay with this man out of pity, he has shown you no real compassion or remorse here at all for his actions. It is not your fault he has nowhere to go, you sound codependent and likely feel very responsible for him but you must not put his needs ahead of yours now. You may also find that your own depressive and anxious state may well lift once he is gone from the home.

Your 12 year old knows that something is amiss and perhaps even blames herself for her parents problems. Do not let her at all think that she is responsible here for this, she is beginning to think that way. You certainly owe it to her not to keep modelling this dysfunctional role model of a relationship.

What has been the situation to date with regards to your children with SN, the council and possible respite care for them?. Have you asked for this and have been turned down?. Do you claim DLA for your children?.

House is mine. I get high rate DLA for older ds not yet for younger ds. Ds gets restpite but I literally can't keep carers as he's so difficult. No play schemes left locally. He wouldn't be able to cope in a playscheme as he barely copes in a special school!

Younger ds is waiting for diagnosis of ASD. He's attending school part time. No help with regards to restpite until he's diagnosed. DCT are a nightmare. Possibly the most stressful aspect of having a dc with additional needs!

Absolutely Attila with regards to my dd. I would carry on if it were just me but i know dd needs me to sort this. I know how quickly time will pass & she'll want to know why I put my needs/her dad's, before hers.

Why do i feel so responsible for a grown man who stood by watching me deteriorating?

I told him this afternoon he needs to leave. He said he was sorry & then offered me a cup of tea...

I wonder if he has really understood what I said.

I'm not sure what will happen next...