Ok I said what I thought, now I'm scared he'l end it

[Santaclaws]

Have posted on here a few times about newish relationship and my inability to tell him if something's bothering me without worrying myself sick afterwards that he's going to dump me. This is due to my EA ex who did this frequently and wouldn't allow me say how I felt

So I just needed to ask reassurance that what I said yesterday was not unreasonable. We went to his parents for lunch but I was feeling really unwell. Tried to do a bit of shopping before before lunch but wasn't even up to that and told him how bad I felt and he said we could go back to mine after lunch and not to the pub. So at the table in front of everyone he asked me again if I wanted to go to the pub afterwards and I felt put on the spot and that I would appear anti social so felt I had to mumble yes maybe should've just said no but they are all practically strangers to me still

After we'd eaten I told him I felt ill and he said well you drive back and have a sleep and il join you later. I was a bit peeved that he was so hell bent on going for a drink even though I felt so awful. The only reason we ended up not going was because his bother and his girlfriend didn't want to go and not because I was ill and didn't want to go. I told him him when we got back to mine I was annoyed about it and we had a heated discussion.

I have issues due to my ex with saying if I'm upset about about something and doubt my own feelings and judgement a lot. If I say things I often feel I'm in the wrong afterwards and worry about it

Why go and sit and eat lunch at his parents in the first place if you are ill? Why not just go home?

So you felt ill.... and wanted him to sit with you at home feeling ill?

I'm not sure i really understand.

Well done for expressing yourself and being assertive. I know it took courage. If he ends it because you articulated your feelings, he isn't worth keeping. That's the thing you always have to hang onto. Better to be single with your self-respect intact and confidence high than in a relationship where your feelings are steamrollered and your self-esteem is crushed.

Resist the temptation to apologise .... wait for an apology from him. :)

You were too ill for the pub but not for lunch with everyone, but you had said you were ok when asked at lunch then you weren't. I would find you hard work tbh. He was considerate at first but you were not clear and people want to make plans not dither about while you make up your mind.

If you're feeling ill I think many people might expect you to go home (on your own) and rest until feeling better, while they go on with whatever plans had been made. Thats what I would expect, tbh.

"So you felt ill.... and wanted him to sit with you at home feeling ill?"

He said 'we could go back to mine'. His suggestion therefore. This isn't simplistically an AIBU situation but one of finding the confidence to speak up post an EA relationship. Even if the OP was being 'U' they need to go through this experience

I went to lunch as it was too late to cancel his mum was already cooking it. I have a condition that gives me a lot of joint pains and aches and fatigue so it's very unpredictable from one day or even hour to the next.
cog I have had an urge to apologise but have stopped myself because I do think he was being a bit selfish. I went to his parents in spite of how I felt because I didn't want to let him or them down, then he pushed it to go to the pub

He did apologise afterwards

It sounds as if it was one of those conversations that was prompting you to to say 'no you go on to the pub there's no point in us both missing out just because I'm feeling lousy' and when you didn't he tried again to prompt you in front of everybody then when you didn't he came outright and said it.

It sounds like hard work.. Both of you just need to be clear about what you want and say it.

you are right to try and break free of that pattern. you can't live in fear of a break up and not being able to say what's on your mind. you did well, and sounds like the situation has resolved.

i do think it's ok to say when you're not feeling well though. you would hopefully have got some understanding from his folks.

Yes maybe he was trying to prompt me to say what I wanted or to say you go alone. I think I just felt so shitty that I was miffed he was prepared to let me drive quite a distance to my house alone even though I told him I was very drowsy ( we had gone in 2 separate cars) just so he could go to the pub.
I barely drink and he drinks a lot more than me. I wouldn't care if I never saw the inside of a pub again.

If he apologised afterwards that's a good thing. I'd suggest that you take the opportunity to explain, as you did above, about the unpredictability and severity of your medical condition. Be rather clearer that when you say 'I don't feel well enough' you're really struggling rather than saying it in the hope of being jollied along and persuaded the way others might. Could save misunderstandings in future.

I can relate to how you feel, especially when it comes to expressing being unwell. My ex husband used to get angry with me if I was unwell or ill, and would call me weak and pathetic. Even years later I always question myself if I'm feeling sick (unless it is cut and dried, can't move out of bed, guts vomiting sort of thing).

If I have a bad cold or a flu-like thing, or a painful back, something that, yes, I could function through, but makes me feel awful, I constantly question myself about whether I have the "right" to feel sick. Part of me wants my OH to take control and TELL me to go to bed or whatever, taking the decision away from me.

My instinct is to apologise, which is annoying to the other person, or to become a bit of a martyr in order to keep to the plans for the day, which is equally annoying. I suppose it is all about learning that it is OK to be unwell, and it is OK to go to bed, and it is OK to ask for help if you need it. Hard to unlearn years of conditioning though.....

I realise Op wasn't asking if she was being unreasonable....I was just a little unclear of the situation. Reading again I see she feels as if he is just not listening or considering her feelings at all.

With respect, I think the man here played it a little wrong as did the OP, but that the main fear the OP has ... as hangover from a previously emotionally abusive relationship... is that, if she objects to anything, she'll be dumped. This relationship may end up being a stepping stone rather than going the distance, but the OP's main challenge is to find the confidence to express herself and take that risk.

I think I felt he was determined to go and sit in a beer garden whether I felt up to it or not and was annoyed he was only prevented from doing it by his brother saying no not by any concern for me. I admit I probably wasn't clear enough and perhaps should have just said no I don't feel up to it I'm not at all well and would rather go home fairly soon. If it arises again I will say this and then I will see what he does

All seems normal today so I'm breathing a sign of relief that I can actually have a little tiff with someone and it not turn into full blown, row, sulkathon or a walkout