Anxiety and depression

[reflexgirl]

Hello - my OH and I have been together for nearly a year, split up a month ago but I'm trying to get us back on track as I love him. Not living together, but live close and both have children who all get on. Everything was fine, then he got a major case of cold feet and distanced himself. The problem is his depression and anxiety. He thinks I'll leave him sooner or later, things aren't going to work anyway so he might just as well give up now. He says he loves me but just feels so closed in and stressed all the time and he can't see his way out. He had an abusive childhood and sees his mum suffering with his dad, and thinks he will just repeat the pattern and doesn't want to put me through it. I've been very patient and loving, and reassured him I want to understand and that I love him as he is but he just puts up barriers all the time. He won't contact me, will break arrangements, won't show affection but I know he is just suffering really badly with the anxiety. His wife cheated on him and left him with the children so there is a trust issues there too. I don't want to give up on him, and want to do whatever it takes to be with him, I'm happy to take it slowly and give him the time and support he needs, but at night when I'm feeling a bit sad about it, I worry that I'm being naive and things won't ever change. Any advice would be really appreciated x

It all sounds a lot of hard work. What do you get from this relationship?

I'm going to bed as up early but I hope you get some good advice.

Have you posted previously? Your OP sounds very familiar. In any case, if your ex has distanced himself, you should respect his wishes. His depression will not be helped by you forcing yourself into his space. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear.

I think it's touching that you want to carry on a relationship with this man but I worry that all you're achieving is depression and anxiety for yourself. He may have genuine and severe 'issues' or he may be playing a very extreme game of 'hard to get'. If its the former, you have to stop making excuses for him. He should seek professional help and at least treat you with the respect and decency you'd afford a friend i.e. not letting you down etc. If it's the latter - and there are some people that manipulative I'm afraid - then it won't change and you'd be naïve to tolerate it. In fact, if he's from a family where abuse (physical or emotional) was modelled, and if he's saying he's the same way, you should take him on face value rather than take a risk. So either way, it's a tougher stance.

Suggest you take a rain-check. Maybe even put a date in the diary a year from now when you meet up and see if there's anything there worth persevering with? In the meantime, look after you and yours. Do you have a healthy social life or has he rather monopolised your time with his problems?

You are investing an awful lot if yourself in a man who you have been with for only a year.

Step back. Get in with your own life. He may need space to get better.