Sorry, don't know what topic for this (triggering)

[Asleeponasunbeam]

I don't know what topic to talk about rape in, sorry. So hope this one is okay.

Can anyone talk to me about how I'm supposed to feel 18 years after a rape? I surprised myself last week by telling my therapist about it (not any detail. Just mentioned it). The counselling had been unrelated to this and had been originally about my relationship with my DD (age 5) and then about my dad who died last year. Anyway, we'd almost finished with the sessions, or so we thought, when I decided to talk about this.

Actually, I'd almost forgotten it. I actually wanted to talk about strange childhood/ teenage feelings I'd always had about possible forgotten memories of abuse (some odd mental images, repeated dreams/ daydreams) and went into some stuff about my relationships as an set teenager, and then this.

Counsellor noticed how dispassionately I talked about it. She got me to think about how I'd feel if it were my daughter it happened to, and of course I was able to express a range of emotions there. But I don't feel any for myself. I know that at the time I was suffering very severely from depression, so can easily understand that at the time I felt so unimportant that it was insignificant, or felt I deserved it, or something.

But I don't really feel anything now. I have a session tomorrow and want it to be useful, but don't think I can feel anything.

It was a rape by a boyfriend. I don't think we thought of it as rape 18 years ago. I was still a virgin. He raped me anally and then left, saying 'oh well, you're still a virgin anyhow'.

Sorry if it's the wrong section. I'll ask to get it moved if it is.

Asleep think your counsellor has identified something and I hope she can help you put it well and truly into the past. You don't have to 'feel' but I guess she wishes to make sure you're not suppressing anything.

O gosh that's a horrible experience. I'm sure someone with more experience will come along and advise you better.

I guess it may help to explore your feelings about it, maybe the counsellor thinks it may have a related impact on other relationships.

Yes and as the poster above stated, your counsellor may think you are suppressing which is a common way of coping - not feeling.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience. Even though you say you dismissed it at the time & had forgotten it, clearly there's a residual 'something' there that is (literally) haunting your dreams & possibly still influencing aspects of your personality today. I don't think you have to feel anything necessarily, but it may help you understand your response to some things that have happened subsequently.

My first time was what, as an adult I look back on, and realise was a rape (someone I knew). At the time it would have been far more traumatic to deal with if I faced it as it was, it was easier to dust myself off, and get over it and on with my life. I'm still glad to this day that I handled it that way, I was too young to deal with it then. It would have been much more of an issue in my life if I had faced it then. I don't like to dwell on it now, but I can think about it, and talk about it as a rape and I surprise myself at how I manage to not be too emotional about it. I put that down to cutting off my emotions about it at the time. This is rambled - sorry!

Yes it's self preservation I think.

Completely not in comparison and an entirely different scenario but I was in an accident. I was in A&E with my foot hanging off but was in shock and couldn't process what was happening. I tried to convince them it was just a scratch and asked them to discharge me as I'd be fine. The brain is a strange thing.

Maybe you were in shock, this is how you needed to survive at the time. This is ok.

Don't pressure yourself to deal with it though just let the counsellor guide you through