Worried that my brother is in an abusive relationship

[katykat5]

I am really concerned for my younger brother and need some advice on how to handle this situation. He is 22 and has been with his gf since he was 19 (they met at university and she is the same age as him.) After they graduated, they stayed in their uni town and moved into a rented flat together. I have always been very close to him and I am worried that things aren't right in his relationship.

We spent the weekend together as it was our dad's birthday and we were all at my parents' house. We got chatting about how things were going and I noticed some nasty bruises on his upper arm (he had been wearing a cardigan but took it off because of the hot weather and you could see it below the arm of his t shirt.) I asked him how he got them and he said he wasn't sure, must have done it without realising... but he seemed a bit shifty. I'm not sure if I believe him.

Later on in the afternoon, I was asking him about his new job and he was saying he went out with his friends to celebrate. He mentioned that he'd come back to the flat late and his gf had been upset and they'd had a row. He said she'd thrown a wine glass against the wall in temper and he'd been shocked because it started over this night out (which she had been invited to but declined as she had plans with friends. Except she then stayed in and didn't go out at all, saying she was ill!) He said she didn't trust him with a woman from work and was accusing him of cheating. I know he would never cheat. He adores this girl and he's not like that anyway.

He has always been a quiet, creative type, not massively outgoing but he is more of a thinker than a talker. His gf seemed a nice girl at first but she is very different from him - confident, ambitious, not afraid to say what she thinks etc. She wants to be a model and talks about that a lot. I find her quite manipulative - she always seems to get her own way with things and he has missed family events because she wasn't happy with going. I'm not happy with the way she speaks to him sometimes either - telling him she doesn't like his clothes and he should have worn something else, etc. I know from what he's told me that she's had a tough time at home. Her mum has manic depression and there was violence at home when she was younger. My brother seems to forgive her anything because of this. I thin she leans on him emotionally and I suspect she pressured him to move in with her.

I'm just so worried about him because I don't think these bruises are right. I'm wondering if he's being abused and is embarrassed to say because domestic abuse is usually associated with females. He has become even more quiet and withdrawn than usual lately. He used to be a happier but he seemed down at the party today. But maybe I am making something out of nothing? I just think that throwing a wine glass in temper isn't normal in a secure relationship. What do you think I should do?

Men can also be victims of domestic violence and you have every right to be concerned for your brother given her behaviours:-

Re this comment:-
"I know from what he's told me that she's had a tough time at home. Her mum has manic depression and there was violence at home when she was younger. My brother seems to forgive her anything because of this. I thin she leans on him emotionally and I suspect she pressured him to move in with her".

All that is awfully suggestive and his girlfriend herself grew up within a violent household. She may well have pressured and manipulated your brother to move in with her. We learn after all about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at the lessons she learnt. The power and control balance in this relationship is well in her favour.

Your brother is not weak and he is not to blame.

I would encourage your brother to contact ManKind asap as they can and will also give him a listening ear as well as practical support:-

Their number is 01823 334244. You can also call them and I would encourage you to do so asap, they are happy to speak to mothers and sisters.

If he hasn't told you there is a problem I'd tread carefully if she is abusive and gets wind that you are trying to get him to leave her she could push to stop contact between you both. Or if it's nothing he could get upset with you for thinking that about his gf.

Be there for your brother invite him out or over to yours try and get him to open up to you or at least see that his relationship isn't working. Even if he shoves your help in your face ( which might if he is in denial) just make sure he knows you are there for him.

I keep thinking about it. I'm so worried about him and just want to do something. I don't know how I can bring it up without upsetting him. Plus she always seems to be with him which makes it harder.

She sounds like she has security issues, trust issues, and a temper. Which, sadly, is quite normal for a lot of 22 year old women. Whether she's actually being abusive is another matter altogether. You never quite know the inner workings of a relationship, and I would urge caution before leaping to the assumption that because she's pretty and confident she is also abusive.

The actual situation you raise, of a woman being upset that a man is out drinking until the wee small hours while she is at home sick, is one that is pretty common. It comes up on a regular basis on these forums (there's another thread about it right now); in fact, I'm willing to bet that it's one of the top 10 reasons for massive marital rows in the UK. I am not sure it's fair to say that his GF is being completely unreasonable to object to him coming back drunk late at night and stumbling around when she is not feeling well, though the glass throwing is definitely out of line. It's quite possible that the reason he seemed upset at the party was that they were having an ongoing row-by-text.

Also, attendance at family events is optional, right? They are young and have lots of things to enjoy and do, and they should be allowed to have some choice in the matter! Plus, there's always the possibility that work stuff/parties/GF's family stuff conflicts with family events - they can't always be expected to prioritise you. As long as they are putting in the occasional appearance, it shouldn't be mandatory for them to be there week in week out. It sounds like the poor lad is a bit stuck between an anxious girlfriend and a family who won't just let him do his own thing!!

I think all you can do is to take him aside very seriously and say 'Look, you would tell me if anything was really wrong, wouldn't you? Because I am always here for you if you need anything'. And then it's up to him. He is a grown man, after all.

Thanks for your advice. He has missed some pretty important family events because she threw a strop at the last minute - things like my mum's 50th birthday meal/party and the golden wedding anniversary party of my grandparents. He said he was going to come to both and they had been planned for months.

He also said he wasn't drunk when he came home the night she threw the glass as he had been driving his friends home. This is why I'm finding it a bit of an over reaction on her part. I could understand her being fed up if he was drunk and annoying but he wasn't.

Sounds worrying. Do you think he would open up and tell you if things are going wrong in his relationship? If so, maybe invite him for a coffee or a pint and ask him just in general how things are going and see what he says. If you just keep it general and don't push him, maybe he will open up? Also maybe a general conversation about boundaries and what is not okay to tolerate in a relationship might be a good thing? Not something specific to him if you think he wouldn't take it well, but maybe it would give him something to think about?

One thing always concerns me about the 'mandatory attendance family event' and that's the fact that it's actually really controlling. By all means, throw a party. By all means, celebrate something - but don't expect everyone to drop everything to come! People have other things on in life, other ways of celebrating, and can 'be there' at various times, in various ways. Accepting that people are diverse and may not all enjoy the same thing seems key to a happy and harmonious family to me.

When families start saying things like 'It's only your family that are there for you at the end of the day' or 'Family comes first' it is behaviour that is almost identical to that of the abusive spouse who says 'You'll never find someone who loves you like I do' or 'Marriage is your most important priority'.

OP, I'm sure you are worried sick. It does sound as though your DB could be in an abusive relationship.. Atilla's suggestion re ManKind is great. They also have a website

The Mankind website is good, and the helpline is worth calling, I did when my brother was in an abusive relationship and they were really helpful.

Where you say she can be manipulative, that was the first thing that really twigged it for me, and it took my DB a long time to see it all.

My DB has recently come out of a violent relationship so my heart goes out to you. He really struggled with people's prejudices and lack of understanding of the situation (he was twice the size of her) but he got out when she threw a full wine bottle at him.

I hope he can find help x

The Men's Advice Line website is good too. Their helpline and Mankind's are open different hours - my DB spoke to someone at the Men's Advice Line at some point after he and I had been chatting a while about it, and he found them really very helpful.

www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php.html

I might signpost my DB to that too TwoLeftSocks, thank you.