How did your friendships change after a big life event?

[Delphinegreen]

Just pondering this over, not particularly upset.

Having a child - most of my single friends have scattered. This feels more natural, we keep in touch still but are in seperate time zones & I don't go out as much.

Ending my relationship of 13 years - been quite weird as some of my friends have avoided me over the past year of being single. Friends that I've been mates with 25 years.

Just pondering how people come and go.

sounds like you have a lot going on.

I used to get really bothered by friends who changed or relationships. but I've come to think we have different types of friendships. some which are for certain time periods in your life like baby group friendships and pre children.

and a small number who are forever friends. who u know mutually that you will always be friends come hell or high water. I only have two friends I would class in that way and they are very very different from each other.

I think its OK that friends come and go.

The girl I went out with every weekend has met my baby once in eight months. Once.

So I must have been used for someone to party with.

However, I ave got a lot closer to people I knew a little as we had our babies within weeks of each other.

These things do have a sometimes strange effect on people. When I was pregnant, a lesbian friend got quite hostile with me, and it effectively ended the friendship. I think it brought up issues for her, but not my problem to sort. Since my divorce, a couple who I thought were good friends, (Wife and her dh that we saw together) have never been available to go out with, although will talk on the phone etc. Odd!

Yes it is weird isn't it. I'm happy to see people less or let go altogether as people do come and go but it's very strange when it's attached to a life event as opposed to tailing off naturally. It just makes you think that they are shit friends haha.

I'm going through a divorce and its been very interesting to see who really was a true friend

Yes things like divorce, loss of a close loved one - some people you thought were great mates may disappear completely or be very odd, others really step up and are great.

I think with divorce, it can a threat to some (by no means all) people, who don't want a single woman in the mix because of insecurities about their own relationships or that you might run off with their partner

With death, some people are just hopeless at dealing with it or what to say.

Birth they may have their own issues about having children or jealous or whatever

Main thing I guess is to try not to take it personally, in the sense that it'd tend to be their own issues or they/the friendship was a bit shallow

Plus side is that after any of these things you also meet new friends

Yes I bet. I mean the couple friends are always the first to go as they get stressed by taking 'sides' also being single you don't fit into the neat dinner party.

I have had a few surprises in people that I thought were forever people. I have always been the strong advice giver person and have spent many hours with people helping them out, these are the people I haven't seen for dust. Makes me wonder if they can't cope with you being in a needier role. However wasn't particularly needy, very practical and minimal moaning!

I guess life events show who you can really count on x

Ah yes, I'm pondering that just now.

Since the death of my mother and almost instant collapse of my marriage, I have been actively or passively avoided by people I thought were my friends. The phase that springs to mind is " do stay in touch" loosely translated as " go away, it might be catching"

However, a friend who I was in very sporadic contact with, like once a year(!) who I thought would fuck off instantly at the first sign of my needing help has been amazing on a daily basis for nearly a year now despite being a high powered scary CEO type person who doesn't even pack their own suitcase and I am still struggling with that.

Dc- single friends or married ones that didn't have dc dumped me faster than you could say " no I can't drink I'm pregnant"

Moving countries- as an expat you work v hard at new friendships and settling. Your old friends, who you email and Skype still have lives. You drift apart. You don't mean to, but its a full time job, settling and keeping in touch.

Marriage. Some friends morphed into stepford wives on return from honeymoon:) no time for friends.

The worst part of my divorce was the realisation of how many fair-weather friends I had.

Lots of people who were around for the fun times (my ex was the life of the party) disappeared.

I should amend, except for one friend who called me over and over, even when I stopped returning calls, and dragged me out to some movies. Thanks, Kelly.

Moving out of a Buddhist community.
As soon as I was no longer a resident (but living close by)
Noone wanted to know.
It was a shame. One friend stayed in touch/still wanted to meet up so this was a sign she wasn't entrenched in thebubble of commune life.

Sorry to hear you lost friends when you could have done with some support. Hope you have found others who you could turn to just for a bit of 'you' time even if not to rely on for support.

When my DD was unexpectedly born with a disability, I experienced a lot of the same with friends. Only one or two who even took the time to phone or ask how things were and how we were coping. Still feel about it. Just didn't have the right people in my life back then and have definitely met people since who would have been far more supportive but more importantly suggested a good night out once in a while!

I noticed that pretty much all my 'friends' I thought I could rely on slowly disappeared after I had children except one. We have had our issues as I have moved a fair old distance from her so we hardly speak unfortunately. My life is so different in comparison obviously she doesn't have children and still lives at home but the so called friends are simply not worth my time or effort, hence why I don't bother with the likes of Facebook all the falseness...BORE!

I guess life is positive like that.......someone new and lovely is always on the horizon. Yes I have come across some lovely people too recently itsnothingoriginal, glad to hear you have some support. I just kind of sad because it makes the friendships of before a little meaningless.

As I get older, I get better at filtering out fair weather friends. That's an old phrase for a reason.

I expect lots of folk on here know this saying but it is very relevant to this discussion

We have friends for a reason
Friends for a season
.... And friends for life

When my DH died very suddenly the people I knew I could rely on were there for me. They are still in my life and I value them so much. One friend rushed over and stayed will me while the ambulance and police came over, i will never forget that friend's face, they were absolutely ashen with shock. I knew that friend really cared. I can count the true friends on the fingers of one hand. One of them is now my DP.

Other friends are no longer around but I didnt expect them to be, there was nothing I needed from them or expected from them so it did not hurt - and some I chose to walk away from. There were many painful associations with my DH and I had to move forward, without being reminded that my poor DH was gone forever from the day to day at least. He is there with me all the time. But it was a very painful time in my life.

Thats why the little saying above is so true for me.

as I've got older (nearly 37) I find it easier to let people go who were in my life for that phase of it. its OK . but equally they can't get pissed off that they don't know what's going on with me if they don't bother to get in touch.

I'm happier in my skin I guess. know I'm a good friend and if they are too they will be there.

When I was pregnant my husband and I spent every morning for 2 months in the hospital. I suffered with terrible anxiety, a very difficult pregnancy and a horrid birth. Mine and DH's very closest friends completely dropped us. The women both had easy pregnancies etc and just couldn't understand where the party animals they had previously know had gone. 4 months on it still hurts because I didn't see it coming!

DS has had cancer which involved long stays in hospital, life-threatening treatment, for a month last year we believed he wasn't going to grow up.

During this time my "best friend" phoned me ONCE. To tell me she was pregnant. I did email updates so she knew exactly what was going on.

It showed me quite clearly what amazing friends I DO have (plenty that I didn't expect to be such a huge support) and those who, quite frankly, clearly just aren't that bothered.

I'm still gutted particularly by my best friend, but there you go.