Toxic family and coping with the fall-out (or not)

[Molotov]

We cleared out the attic today and found some old family photo albums. There were pictures in there of my now 18yo niece of when she was 4/5yo. As I looked at her beautiful little face, I felt a new sadness about how our extended family has fallen apart; how much what she said to me has hurt me. I loved her so much and didn't want to make the connection between the child in the photo, and the woman she is turning into. I couldn't believe the child in those pictures would one day hurt me so much.

My extended family are a toxic family, I've since discovered. We fell out a few months ago. Lots of lies surfaced, lots of things were said about me and my DM that I can't forgive. I know there is no turning back, but seeing her as she was then, seeing places we used to go, homes we had family parties at ... It was painful. Please, do you know if is this just part of grieving after a relationship breakdown? It feels weird and overwhelming.

Sound totally normal to me. You're obviously going through problems and having to let various people drop from your life which is stressful. Finding an old photo and getting a stab of nostalgia for happier days is therefore painful. It's been 20 years since my exH walked out and, even so, when I found something of his in an old bookcase recently it brought back a lot of memories

Bless you, I can completely sympathise. My DH cut contact with his entire immediate family last September following years of hurtful behaviour. I struggled to deal with things the most initially and had to put up with DH treating me badly because he was hurting. The only way I have coped is having the knowledge that those people chose to have things turn out this way through their own behaviour and that our life is now far happier and less complicated as a result. It still hurts though and I find the fact that people can be so nasty very difficult to comprehend.

Thank you for your replies

The fallout happened at the end of January and I'm still not 100% sure what caused it. There had been increasing tension for a couple of years resulting in awkward atmospheres, so it wasn't a complete surprise. I think the only surprise was myself and my immediate family saying 'no more'. Oh, and I was shocked to hear what they really thought. Every paranoid thought I'd had abouy myself was exactly what they actually think.

Maybe it's because the drama as died down, and now I'm left facing the consequences. I wish things could go back, but not enough that I'm prepared to apologise, only to get another slap down in another couple of years. Because that will happen. It's what they are like. They have to be top dog and make you know it.

Extended family are entirely optional. 'Nice to have' but only if they behave themselves. I'm sure you have lots of much more interesting things to occupy you.

Well, something that is bothering me is that, as DH and I are only children (my 'niece' is biologically my second cousin (my cousin's dd); she had always referred to me as auntie, and I always saw her as much more than 'just' a cousin).

Anyway, my two dd's don't have any aunts, uncles or cousins and now no extended family to replace that absence. That's on my mind a lot lately.

Your DDs will not suffer in the slightest from having no official aunts and uncles. Where I grew up (Northern English town) friends and neighbours were routinely referred to as 'aunties and uncles' even if there was no relationship whatsoever. In other words, kids don't need a genetic link in order to find adults that they connect with. Definitely best to keep them away from people that don't like you.

Yes, Cogito, I think it would be harmful for them to be around adults who have openly expressed very negative comments/opinions about me (and my DM/their grandma).

I'm so glad that they have each other - very glad about that (they're 2yo and 5yo now). We are currently deciding whether to try for another baby. There is a part of me that thinks another sibling for them would be good; for them to make their own family network in the future, full of company at parties, celebrations, etc. That's something that is a consideration, but as I've recently seen, there are no guarantees with families.

We are definitely better away from my extended family, but I miss the family network. I have a couple of friends and I intend to concentrate on our relationships with them.

The big fat nosey parker in me, I'll confess, is itching to know what your extended family said now.... But ignore me, I'll survive :)

It's alright, Cogito - it essentially boils down to me being called a pathetic, two-faced bitch, who is odd and not normal. Apparently, everything about me is odd and not normal. Events had been invented where my behaviour looked awful (standing my teenage neice up in a busy city centre is one example). I don't know how that stuff came about.

Similar things were said about my DM, who has bi-polar disorder. To insult her based on something she had/has no control over is unforgivable, imho.