Fed up with DH's bad moods and sulks

[MrsJaffaCakes]

My DH seems to get in a bad mood for no apparent reason, won't discuss with me why he's in a bad mood or what I've supposedly done, and then sulks. He also always during these moods comes out with various 'crimes' that I've done recently to annoy him (they are never big things, just day to day normal things that someone wouldn't normally get cross at!)

This weekend he has played cricket virtually all weekend; Friday night, all day yesterday and now this afternoon. This morning before he went to cricket I took one of our DCs to a local car boot sale for half an hour. When I got back it was obvious that DH was in a bad mood. He'd mislaid his keys and had had it in his head that I'd put them somewhere! He was really stroppy with me and when I said that it wasn't my fault that he'd lost his keys he then turned the tables on me and made out that I was nasty! Sometimes if I query why he's moody he'll say "I wasn't in a bad mood but I'm going to be now you've mentioned it". Anyway, at the boot sale I got our youngest child an bodywarmer for a pound, to put away for the winter, and DH started having a go at me saying he can't see why someone would buy winter clothes in summer. We have no money worries btw, so he wasn't worried about me spending money.

When he's in these moods, he also suddenly becomes father of the year with the kids. Normally he isn't that bothered about parenting, but when he's in these moods it's as if he tries to exclude me and try to make me feel that I am the problem.

I told him before he went to cricket not to bother coming home tonight if he's still in a mood, then he was fine before he went. I'm still so cross though!

He sounds like a manchild! Try to ignore his next mood and see how that goes. Seems like he is doing it to get a reaction from you.

He sounds like a horrible, childish, needy, disrespectful person! Does he appreciate you at all? Ever?

I think he takes me for granted to be honest. He is ok as long as things are going his way but hates it when I won't do as he says.

I think it's really poor behaviour to take a bad mood out on someone else. I'd go further and say he's deliberately emotionally bullying you with this fake blame crap. He's looking for 'faults' so that he can pick on you and that's the polar opposite of the behaviour of a loving partner.

BTW ... he's super nice to the kids on these occasions as a way of highlighting the contrast between who is 'in favour' (them) and who is 'out of favour' (you) It's shite.

Bullying.... don't stand for it.

What do you get out of this relationship with this man?. What needs of yours does he meet here?.

This all smacks of power and control; he is trying to exert his own self here by doing this and is a form of emotional blackmail. Presumably one or both of his parents do the self same behaviours. And why has he continued to use sulky tactics on you - it is because they have worked.You've begged for him to talk to you and shown you're upset when he hasn't spoken. You've even taken blame that doesn't belong to you. And time after time you've put up with it and forgiven him. Small wonder he's still doing it!.

When you're assertive you acknowledge your right to ask for what you want, knowing the other person has the right to want something different. So what you might do when he starts his "not speaking" game is simply say, "When you won't answer me, I find your silence rude and childish but if you want to carry on sulking, be my guest. When you're prepared to talk things through like an adult, I'll be pleased to listen. Want a cup of tea?" Then you can keep making invitations (cup of tea, watch the film, have dinner with you etc.) from time to time, smiling and saying, "If you want to sulk, carry on" if that's his choice. Just because he feels bad, it doesn't mean you have to. As an adult, you're responsible for getting your own needs met. You don't have to stay and watch him. If he rejects an invitation to join in, you can smile and say, "OK, love, you carry on sulking until you're bored with yourself." Or "If you don't value your own feelings enough to talk about them, I can't be bothered to guess what you're upset about." In either case you can add, "I'm going to ..." Phone a friend. Write a letter. Visit your children. Go shopping. Watch your own favourite TV programmes. Enjoy your hobbies. Spend time with a mate in whose company you feel good or just have a nice walk round the park. Revel in a luxurious bubble-bath. Even go away for a few days. Whatever you'd like to do that's available to you to make the best of that moment. When you do see him, show that you can manage your emotions perfectly well without him, but you can issue grown-up invitations for him to join in if he wants to.

And don't forget you can say quite honestly, "I do love you but I can't respect your unkind and childish behaviours." Because once you accept that what he thinks isn't your responsibility and it's not up to you to make him change his mind, you'll be stepping into assertiveness and self-reliance.

This isn't going to be easy. You've spent a long time believing that your feelings are dependent on his. While as children we all start from the perspective that our worth and our feelings are dependent on our parents' and that other people are more important than we are, learning that we're as important as anybody else and are responsible for our own well-being is part of maturity.

Going from one extreme to the other re parenting is confusing for the children as well.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Have you tried copying his behaviour?
What does he say when you do it?
The reaction he gives when you do it, and his words, are ones you can then use.

Do you ever completely ignore this type of behaviour or do you always ask what's wrong?

Personally I'd call him on it. I'd make sure you go for equality so if he's been out lots this weekend, you tell him next weekend it's your turn.

Somebody can only treat you as badly as you let them. Make it plain that if he loved you he'd not behave like that towards you and that you deserve better so either he stops it or he leaves.

OP my father was like this, he would have these awful sulks and moods when I was growing up, and as others said, it is a method of control. The longest he ever ignored me was 5 months in my mid-teens, and I never even knew what for! Don't let this go on, if he ignores and sulks with you now, he will eventually extend this to the DC too. Its very damaging growing up in this sort of atmosphere.

Thank you everyone for taking the time and trouble to reply to me.

He was in a bad mood when he got home last night, but once the DCs were in bed I tried to talk to him about it, and he basically said that it's me that's at fault, and that if I was a decent person then I would be understanding of the fact that he doesn't want to be in a good mood all the time, and that it shows my faults that I can't be more sympathetic! When I said that I find it upsetting when he's in a bad mood for seemingly no reason, he said it's not his problem that I find it upsetting, and that that is my fault too.

I always find that if I try to talk to him about anything that he just turns it round to being all "poor me" and won't actually discuss anything.

You can't have a discussion with a person who's always right can you? Please.... avoid saying that you find it upsetting. It is meat and drink to a bully knowing that they have upset their victim. Means their crap is having the desired effect.

When DS was a toddler and prone to the odd tantrum my 'strategy' was a) ignore, b) carry on as normal, c) stick him in his room and tell him he could come back when he was 'nice DS' again.

You can't put a grown man in another room but you can ignore him, carry on as normal and, if it gets too ridiculous, tell him to go somewhere else until he's straightened his face.

You've begged for him to talk to you and shown you're upset when he hasn't spoken. You've even taken blame that doesn't belong to you. And time after time you've put up with it and forgiven him. Small wonder he's still doing it!.

Look at your own self here; why are you putting up with him at all given his awful behaviours?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?. Surely not this awful role model of a relationship for them to emulate and copy as adults.

Completely agree with Cog. His behaviour is awful! Ignore, ignore, ignore and don't tell him how upset it makes you as he'll thrive on it as mentioned earlier.

If this doesn't work,I would suggest some serious couples counselling. Would be interesting to see his reaction to that suggestion.

If he refuses, then I think you need to think about if you seriously want to be with this man.

His moods aren't your fault

"....if I was a decent person then I would be understanding of the fact that he doesn't want to be in a good mood all the time..."

Just a word on this argument. No-one is in a good mood all the time. However, the mature way to approach a bad mood is to flag it up to your nearest and dearest, apologise in advance and say how specifically you'd like them to help. e.g. 'I'm in a bad mood because of xyz and I'm sorry. If you could all give me a little time to myself to take a soak in the bath/smack the drum-kit/go for a walk/whatever I think I'll feel better'

What is NOT the right approach is to just go around being a bear with a sore head, making other people's lives (who have nothing to do with the reason for the bad mood) miserable and then blaming them for being unsympathetic or doing the wrong thing. That's not right at all.

Do you love him?
Do you have fun times?

You are describing my previous relationship to a tee. Father of my 2 kids.

LAst year after 16 years I left him. He is not a bad guy , but he is very negative and sulky and always glass half empty and blamed me all the time.

I feel like a rock has been lifted from my chest.

I am alive and free

Ask yourself some serious questions as to whether you want your life to be like this

Sheesh.He's hard work love.I'd get rid if I were you.People like this suck the joy out of life for others.Not the role model anyone would want for their kids.Mardy sod.

Ah i'm not alone. My dh in a sulk tonight.
And of course things r always his way or no way maybe its just men in general?...

If he's only started being like this maybe he's looking elsewhere? starting an affair? this is typical behaviour when you're trying to get out of something.

I notice he blanked your earlier comment that he shouldn't come home if he was in a bad mood, and came anyway, and pushed it onto you anyway. Massive lack of respect to do that and to make it your fault for everything.

I would disengage in a big way from all of this, while also calling him on it when you can. So if he is going to sulk, ignore him, completely. If he keeps asking you stuff and getting moody, say 'Mmm, there's no pleasing you today, is there? I think I'll go somewhere else'. and do. When he goes all Superdad with the kids, tell him it is perfectly obvious what he is doing and that it's fairly pathetic. He will tell you (again) you're being nasty, which is when you can say 'You said that before when I was trying hard to be flexible and understanding, so I've now decided bollocks to it, if you're going to call me nasty, you can see what it's really like'.

The better long term plan, of course, is to decide how much of this shit you can stand and draw a more permanent line under it. How long has he been like this with you?

" maybe its just men in general?..."

'Boys will be boys' is that it? Whilst it may be true that some men are less communicative than women when in a bad mood, that doesn't give them the right to sulk, creating a bad atmosphere in the home and an intimidated family walking around on eggshells. Someone with the attitude 'his way or no way' is an arrogant bully, not 'men in general'

If I'd been playing cricket all weekend I'd be pissed off too.

he really needs to take his face for a shit doesn't he?

this is not your fault. ignore, ignore, ignore. he will soon get bored when he realises you''re not going to feed his moods with attention.

let him sulk, do something nice for yourself.