Please help me- depressed partner pushing me away

[TheIronGnome]

Please help me, I've been putting off writing this as it's all just too much. I'm finding it hard to think about, it's exhausting. I've spoken to a couple of people IRL about it but cannot bare to speak to the people I'm closest too as I'm so upset, embarrassed, hurt, petrified and sad about it all. I've avoided speaking to my dsis, dm as well as my closest friend. I'm so sick of saying the same things over and over again, yet I feel like I need all the help I can get, so here we are.

I've been with my partner for 2 years officially, lived together for 20 months and have been friends for 8 years. When hanging out as friends we were inseparable, always platonic from my side but I occasionally felt he felt more though for the majority of the time we were friends before we were together he was in another relationship. We shared a hobby which took up weekends of our time and rarely would you find one of us without the other. It was a constant joke that it was assumed there had been 'something' between us yet there never had been until he split from his girlfriend.

I helped him through their break up, as he had always helped me through mine. I supported him when his family didn't, I was there for him in every way I could be and began to depend on him as much as he could depend on me though it still took a long time for us to get together. I was worried I didn't want to be with him and would ruin our friendship. I was worried he wasn't the man I was looking and hoping for but after a long time of resisting it I finally gave in and felt so lucky to be able to spend all my time with my best friend, felt like being in a relationship gave me the excuse I needed to give myself to him 100%, and him to me. After a few months of being together I suggested we moved in together- he'd basically been living with me anyway and needed to move out of his shared house so we did it.

It'd been fine up until about 3 months ago before I noticed any problems. He seemed utterly absorbed in his new job, as well as doing a very time consuming side project and seemed less affectionate though still responded when I gave the affection so I put it down to tiredness, as it was something he often complained of. I hadn't been feeling entirely myself either due to a sudden illness and death of a friend as well as feeling lack of work satisfaction but we were on track to be buying a house in the autumn and being with my DP was helping me get through it.

A few times I noticed him being quite distant and we rowed about it, I felt like I needed more support, he felt like I should be asking outright for it- usual stuff I'm sure and long term didn't bother me as once again I put it down to stress from work etc until one day it came out- he was feeling depressed, perhaps it wasn't me at all, but him. He agreed to see the gp, I promised I would support him no matter what and he told me he feels nothing at the moment, towards me included. Work was what he was thriving in and suceeding at.

He went to the gp who did the quiz and said he didn't think he was clinically depressed but he would refer for councilling. DP had the initial consultation but the day they offered him sessions on he couldn't do due to working in a different city some days in the week over the next couple of months. Where we are at now with it is that he's hoping they can offer him a different day. I have pushed him to either push for that or just go private but I don't know if he's any further on with either of those and I don't like to keep asking.

The hobby we met doing and used to do a lot together he isn't interested in anymore. He's fed up with the politics of the group of people and cannot see past that. A couple of weeks ago it blew up again when he said he didn't know if we should be together anymore, all he's doing is upsetting me and he doesn't want to keep doing that. He says perhaps we are too different, want different things and are at different places in our lives. It was as if he wanted me to say I was leaving but I don't want to, so I didn't. I went away for a week to visit a friend but he doesn't seem pleased to see me. He didn't want to have sex which has never happened before, said he was too tired and it's so hard pretending everything is fine as to not put any more emotional pressure on him- which is what I have read is what I should be doing.

I've have never hurt so much, sometimes I feel like it's too hard to breathe. I have lost my best friend and am grieving for the relationship I thought we had as well as the man I thought I was with. I'm grieving for the home we planned together and the family we looked forward to.

In the early days of our relationship I lay crying one night as the thought of us getting old together and our relationship coming to an end was too much to bare and he held me and said how wonderful the thought of us getting old together was and the destruction of that man is terrifying.

Sorry this is so long, there's still so much more to say but I'll stop here. I wanted to give enough of the back story as I feel it's really important. I feel so alone and I know I can't fix this by myself. He could stay renting here on his own with his salary but I'd have no choice but to move out either to a shared house where we live or in with friends/family. I can't bare the thought if it but I know it's not all in my control to change it. I feel so let down by the person who has been there for me for so long and it's too painful. He says he feels nothing and I feel like I'm feeling it for the both of us.

He's not been diagnosed with depression and he has opted out of counselling so you can't easily point to some MH issue and blame that. A lot of relationships just run out of steam. No-one's to blame and there's no big drama. It's very sad but a fact of life that, when you make yourself vulnerable to love, you can be let down and things can go wrong. Maybe you really were better as friends after all? Maybe you were just that unfortunate thing..... 'the rebound'.... there providing comfort when things were going wrong in his life but you've outlived your usefulness. By saying 'we want different things' he may even think he's letting you down gently..... take the hint.

Rather than keep torturing yourself or waiting for him to come around, take charge of your own future. Good luck

I have to agree with Cogito.
He wasn't diagnosed with depression because he is doing well at his job. It sounds like his attitude has changed but in relation to you and things that brought you close together. :(

I think you need to let him go.

It sounds like he has a habit of being close to people and things for a while and then leaving them. He hasn't been diagnosed with depression so it could just be his actual character. Bearing in mind he had you lined up and already serving as his security while he was still with his previous girlfriend, I wouldn't be surprised if he had someone else lined up (and maybe a new hobby) now too.

How much can you take of this? You've put yourself out for him so many times and he is perfectly happy to leave you in the lurch. I suspect if you distance yourself from him and just get away, you will feel a lot differently about everything. You have the perfect opportunity to escape now.

This situation is making you seriously unhappy. Have you considered taking off for a week to see what happens? He might miss you or he might not.

I am surprised this is failing though given the basis of your relationship - 8 years is a long time to get to know someone but hey ho sometimes these things just burn out.

If it has run it's course just think of the lovely time you will have in the future of falling in love with someone again

I suppose it doesn't really matter anymore, he left me earlier- it's finished now and I'm devastated.

Hugs.

It will get better. It looks like he wasn't what you though he was and you do have to let him go.
Take care.

Oh my goodness, you have been together for a long time but you need to readjust. Sometimes you just have to let a person be what they want to be and make their own mistakes. Unlikely there is anything you can do anyway no matter what the reason so live your own life.

It hurts like - it is a physical pain. Which took me by surprise, because I had assumed "heart break" was a metaphorical term.

And it is a bereavement. My GP describes it as the worst kind of bereavement.

Be kind to yourself. Ask friends for support - even if it's just going round for a cuppa.

Do things that will raise your mood.
Eat chocolate.
See friends.
Get involved with your hobby.
Go for a walk - (I am borrowing a neighbours dog)
Garden/go to the gym/whatever helps you.
And let yourself grieve.
It is a real and very deep grief.

Remember alcohol is a depressant.
Cry, be angry, shout if you need to.

And if you need to, go for counselling - Relate isn't just for couples!
Or your GP may be willing to refer you.
Or you could go privately.

I'm sorry it's ended the way it has. Especially gutting to be rejected after you've spent a long time trying to fix their alleged problems. Do look after yourself and be with people who genuinely love you.

I really, really feel for you. I hope you are ok this morning? I found your story so sad- you invested so much. Grieving will take a while. Good advice on the thread will help you

I'm really sorry to hear that . I do worry that the tone of your op is very over invested in fixing him. I'm the nicest possible way, please use this as a learning experience and work on yourself a little bit while you are single.

No healthy relationship should need all the second guessing and drama - you are worth more than that. Even the lying in bed crying about growing old together, whilst it sounds romantic, is a little alarming. Love should be easy and comfortable and solid, and you should try to retain a strong sense of self in a relationship, not become completely subsumed by the other person.

I wish you a healthy relationship in the future, and in the meantime be kind to yourself. Don't be too hung up on this man being "the one". There will be a better one

Hello,

The title, and some of the descriptions in this thread really suited what I am going through so I will continue it... I apologise if I am infringing on someone else's story and should create my own thread. OP, I hope that you are feeling better and things have moved on in a good direction.

So my depressed partner is pushing me away, too, and I don't know how best to react...how to support him...I am not ready to let go, but I am not sure how to hold on by myself.

Let me give you a bit of an intro. We were in a wonderful relationship, being happy, seeing each other often (we don't live in the same city) and enjoying dreaming of the future together. He was amazingly gentle, sweet and caring (and hot!), believed he found his happiness after a long time and loved me with all his heart. I was sure of that. I still am, if I can trust my instinct. From my end, I was walking on air. I could not believe my happiness, and for a while I feared a brick will fall on my head when I go on the street, just to balace life out because I could not imagine anyone could be "allowed" to be this happy.

Then things changed, but ever so slowly... I didn't notice how far it had gone, until it was too far. It is worth noting that my loved one is a difficult man, he is full of grief for many things, from having no family (everyone passed away, one cousin left) to failed past relationships. He hated his job, and used to wake up sad every morning, with difficulty and with no enthusiasm for what life brought. Around October last year, he started experiencing physical pains, and became really nervous. His doctor told him it is his anxiety coming out, and gave him medication. That helped for a while but I could tell he is struggling to feel content, to feel good about his life, there was a lot of stress, a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of pain in his stomach (the physical manifestation of his feelings).

Then, all of a sudden, he broke up with me. Literally days after he had been at my place, still making plans. He cried so much more than I did, but he said he has doubts, he is not sure what love is and what to do next and he couldn't handle it. He was also thinking he may have a crush (as you can imagine this has broken my heart to level I thought were beyond repair!) and wanted to separate. But we stayed in touch... after about a month he asked if he can come back, begged me not to give up on him... but wasn't actually coming back yet. Usually, when you made a mistake and you want to fix it, you would turn into a knight in a shining armoud and charm you lady... but I think he had no strength for it. He is doubting himself, he is judging himself and hating himself, too. He told his best friend (who told me) that he was feeling empty, and even tried "exploring" with this crush of his but could only think of me when he was with her so he called it off. He told her he is sure I am the one, but doesn't know how to move on and feels unnworthy. He told me he needs me, but sill it took him a good few months to muster up the strength to show up and be there for me.

We had a nice few days, a lot of crying (it took him a few days to be able to look me in the eyes), but also a lot of smiling, enjoying and kisses. No sex yet... He is still beyond sad, he tells me he feels empty all the time, barely sleeps at night...In the mean time, he also lost his job so he is fearing for the safety of his home, his car, his future...

I want to help him, but I don't know how. I am trying not to be "casting blame" and making him feel bad and responsible about my life, and like he is failing me in things. To be fair, I am happy with my life, so he needs to forgive himself - walking away was a bad move, but anyone could have done the same and I get that people make mistakes.

After our good times together and some planning for a weekend in August he is now not talking to me...he says he is too ashamed and I don't deserve all this and he has just withdrawn right back into his shell.

Should I give him space... or keep a silent presence, reminding him that I AM there and that there is nothing to be ashamed of?

And at the same time, how do I balance that need and my love for him with a need that I do feel...and that is a need for seduction, for love? Can he give me love, if he doesn't feel it for himself?

Ah, complexities of life....
I am so sorry for this ever-so-long post, and thanks for anyone who had the patience to read it!

With respect, I think you have to stop thinking about what to do best for him and start thinking more about protecting yourself from someone who is clearly a very damaged and disturbed individual. He's taken your love and patience and thrown it back in your face by being unfaithful. He says he wants to start the relationship up again but, when he returns, it's all about him. You're even buying the rubbish about him not loving himself.... what a self-pitying crock.

Who is supporting you in all this? Not him, that's for sure. Indeed you say you feel bad for casting blame or getting him to take responsibility for your life..... what an awful position to be in. Let down, rejected, cheated on and then being made to feel guilty for being annoyed about it. He has plenty to be ashamed of. Don't let his MH diagnosis be an excuse.

I'm afraid he sounds like someone who has marked you out as 'sympathetic', lured you in with ideas of love, & is going to suck all the joy out of your life and confuse the hell out of you for as long as you let him. I suggest you give him space, space and more space..

Thank you for taking the time to read this War-and-Peace-length post, CogitoErgoSometimes!

I agree with you, in many ways, you say exactly what my friends and dearest ones would tell me IRL and what I would tell my friend if she came to me with the same problem. I am in two minds, myself, about whether I should just arm myself for giving him (and me!) loads of space and eventually moving on... It's a scary thought though. But I am sure it would be scarier being with someone who doesn't love me back, constantly in the "waiting room" of someone's emotions...

It's not easy. I do love him so very much - I want things to work, I feel like I am enjoying the occasional glimpse of the man I used to be with, and he truly was something. I wish he was there all the time...but he just isn't.

Hoe long have you been seeing each other?

Three years this June

Taking ideas of depression out of the equation what you're describing is a twist on the fairly common scenario of a man who has met someone new, had a crack at it and then either been knocked back or changed their mind. Noticeable changes in behaviour, sudden withdrawal of affection, claims of not knowing what love is (variations... 'don't know how I feel any more'... 'don't know what I want') whilst all the time sounding out the other person as a possible replacement. I would be astonished if the 'crush' he was exploring wasn't a full-on affair that started around the time he was experiencing the extra anxiety. And how bloody disloyal of him to talk about your relationship to his best mate.

I'm not at all surprised he can't look you in the eye. Liars rarely can.