Is this normal or not?

[NotKnowNuffink]

I need an outside perspective please. I've been with DH since we were in our early 20s, and have two DCs, 6 and 1. He works FT and has become quite ambitious and now has a pretty senior job. I work PT.

I find myself very up and down about our relationship now. If I say something that he finds boring or which involves him doing something he doesn't want to do (get up in the night to the baby, do any cleaning, not be doing stuff on his phone at dinner with us etc.) he will ignore me or argue or just say he doesn't want to do it (eg any cleaning, getting up in the night). Much of what I say he says he doesn't want to talk about it and refuses any further conversation.

I find now that I don't say about two thirds of what I think to say to him. I can't believe that someone who claims he loves me would then just point blank refuse to help me with things which are clearly hard work and knackering. I have said that I am unhappy, that I think something is really wrong. He tells me I don't really feel that way, I'm just tired. So I've just stopped really, and I feel like I'm just waiting to see if things improve. Is this a normal way to communicate? Am I being naive about it when I think we should be sharing these things?

No, it's not normal. It's not even reasonable. If your only attempts at discussing things are badgering him to contribute to the housework or similar nagging, then I can see why he cuts you off with a "don't want to talk about it". Because he doesn't want to do any of it. I expect he sees it as he works full-time, so why should he? The answer is to get some help to compensate for what he won't do, like hiring a cleaner.

Now, if he cuts you off about anything else and everything else under the sun, then he's great flaming shit.

Sounds like he's got too big for his boots.Nip this in the bud now or he'll walk all over you forever.

No, it's not normal.
I'm sorry that you think it might be. :(

He sounds detached from you and the family unit...

He is being so unreasonable in his attitude.

Its not normal, no, and I presume the majority of people have a different kind of marriage and partnership with their dh.

however it appears to be your normal. Which is fine if you like it. But you don't. He wont change as it suits him. He's happy. And now you don't complain or even talk, he's even more happy.

Are you saying you work p/t and do everything wrt house and dc and he may/ may not join in? Like an affable lodger?

Have you pointed out you are tired because you have to do everything? And its physically and emotionally draining? If he's so great and become so senior, why can't he apply that knowledge and experience to home inc. and think of solutions with you? Is he aware that his role at home may not be a " job for life" and just because you are married it doesn't mean you are chained to him and his careless ways for the rest of your life?

And he needs to get off the phone during meals. That's just rude.

Brillant post by LH.

He is telling you how you feel, or don't feel, because he doesn't want to listen.

He says you are just tired, but he does not hear that you are telling him the remedy for that physical and emotional tiredness is for him to do his share

I don't like to say this, but is it possible that his detachment could be down to an affair?

By the way. He sounds just like my 13 year old son. Only ruder

Time for another talk I think or a proper come to jesus meeting.

If he starts up with the usual then counter it with a reply.. like 'youre just tired' with 'yes I am, what can you do to help that?' If he has no reply then give the slide eye and tell him that if you split up he'll still have to fork out but at least you'll be available to find somebody who does actually appreciate you. Which isn't a lie really is it?

He's taking you for granted and thinks that domestic work is beneath him. He's risen through the ranks at work and now thinks he's God Almighty at home as well. He's an arrogant little shit.

Complaining or telling him how you feel is not going to get you very far with this one because he simply doesn't care how you feel. You have to take away something he values before he takes you seriously.

Cog has cut to the chase I see:)

He doesn't get to choose to how he treats you unless you let him.

I suppose you can wobble on for months and years or sort it out now. It really depends on if you still think the sun shines out if his arse or not.Not, I think, anymore, judging by your post.

What's your perfect solution and how will you get there? Bearing in mind he might not want to? You will then have to re think your solution.

OP, my DH is similar wrt to housework etc. I do not hold back from telling him what's bothering me. He now gets no sex and still can't work out why! Even though I've told him. Plenty of times.

I hope your 'just stopped' has included stopping doing the wife work you were doing for him eg laundry, making sure his favourite drink is in the fridge, cooking meals he likes, making him a cup of tea when you make one for yourself...after all, he knows you're tired, so he'll understand you taking steps to reduce your workload

My mum said that she knew the marriage was over when she gave up fighting.

my exh was just like this - but was having an affair or maybe had it after, not sure. Anyway it was like he was the important one.

I'd stand up to him, make sure you're equally important (at least treat yourself like this) and think about whether you want to stay in the marriage. He could be being U to see if you'll end it?

If you still love him and want to be a part of this marriage, then go for full-time work, and ask for help at home, so that the children are more secured. When he realises that you are going for "equality", then he will shift and change and see that he needs to also do some of the housework and cannot escape then.

If he is only concerned for himself, and his work, and kind of see you as a slave in the house, and not even support you by giving suggestions or to fund the help, then he is only really quite selfish and is looking after number one. Or rather, he sees work as all that, and everything and is not seeing the world beyond work. It depends on how high a position he sits and if he is the kind of man who wants a "little house wife" at home, that kind of setup.

I do not know what is normal or not, but the big question is, if you ask, then I think that is not your "normal". Questions to me means doubt. You have to ask yourself what it is that you want out of the marriage and the relationship. This is one of those scenario that is pretty real.

Higher paying jobs, means more stress, does not necessarily equate to happiness for the person on an individual level. And if you and the children are not there, then there is no justification for him to earn more.

You really have to ask yourself honestly what it is that you want from this marriage and how do you guys see the future together, and start opening that kind of discussion for talks. If he avoids this kind of talk, then I dare say that he probably is too scared to truly talk about things.

To be honest, as a bystander, I would think that this area is pretty sensitive as well. Since considering that if something has taken a lot of effort to get to at a certain stage, then nobody would like to rock the boat if anything. It really depends on what you want, and start to make changes in the relevant areas. Take back that control in your marriage and life in general I think.