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Original poster

Do you judge others by where they live?

19 replies

mamafridi · 17/05/2014 18:36

It's been playing on my mind since I moved to quite an affluent area and put my DD into the local nursery.

We were invited to a play date by a mum I befriended quite soon after. She lives in a large Victorian house, very beautifully done up etc. We seemed to get on and our kids played well together and a few weeks after I asked her over to my place.

We, on the other hand, live in a very small flat. Basic but homey (in my opinion anyway) she seemed fine, but ever since that moment she has not been quite as friendly and there have been no more play dates. Is it me being paranoid or has she distanced herself because I'm not as financially well off?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/05/2014 18:41

I judge others by all kinds of random criteria. :) If 'basic but homey' means 'filthy' I'd probably judge that more harshly than the square footage however. Perhaps she just didn't feel you clicked?

sarinka · 17/05/2014 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 17/05/2014 18:44

no.. I do judge dirty toilets though Grin

Some wealthy people do have this thing about shit like money and anybody who did would you want to be apart of their lives anyway?

VerucaInTheNutRoom · 17/05/2014 18:45

I couldn't care if someone lived in a mansion or a one bed council flat as long as it's reasonably clean (not necessarily tidy though).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/05/2014 18:49

The 'thing' with playdate invitations is that you have to do the return gig, even if you're not that sold on the other person. Once completed you're all square. I really wouldn't take it personally. Certainly wouldn't assume it was about house size. If anything, OP you seem to be the one with the property hang-up.

Original poster
mamafridi · 17/05/2014 19:23

I will admit that living in an area that has so many beautiful homes does kind of make me wish I could afford a similar one. And since moving here my confidence has taken a knock....

OP posts:
YesAnastasia · 17/05/2014 19:31

I think you're projecting your own insecurities onto this situation. She probably doesn't care unless she's a Katie Hopkins kind & in that case you'd know already.

I know I don't know you so the reason I'm saying this is because I would probably think it was because I was boring or not intelligent enough - they're my insecurities.

When was the last time you thought "I like that person but I don't know if I want to be friends because her house is a bit small..."? I never have.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 17/05/2014 19:33

I have some very wealthy friends, I often find myself wishing I had the luxury of being financially comfortable. I'm a single parent and always skinto.

I know what you feel like with the knock on the confidence. That said my friends are just that because they don't judge.

Sift out the nice ones, they do exist.

Original poster
mamafridi · 17/05/2014 20:02

i think that I am more annoyed with myself for thinking that I had found a friendly mum to have a coffee and chat with and whose dd was friends with mine. I am insecure, it's hard not to be when you live in an affluent area but you aren't. I just wondered whether people did judge others because it was such a coincidence that as soon as she came over all previous friendliness dwindled.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamafridi · 17/05/2014 20:06

YesAnastasia- and now that you mention it (my other insecurities are the same as yours) that perhaps it is because I'm a dull thicko too.

OP posts:
Sugary · 17/05/2014 20:11

I don't judge. Good people don't. X

CarryOnDancing · 17/05/2014 20:52

Play dates are a bit like dating. It can take a couple to decide if you are compatible. Maybe she's just decided that you didn't click as well as she wanted to as friends? That's nobody's fault, it's just the way these things work.

It might be nothing to do with your house, or you as such.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/05/2014 23:08

Given that you say you feel inferior and insecure, have you been at all apologetic about your place when you've been talking? Over-effusive about her possessions? If you've drawn attention to your differences in living standards - and you may not be conscious you're doing it - then that can make someone feel uncomfortable.

lavenderhoney · 17/05/2014 23:20

No, not at all. She might just be busy and have her own problems.

Invite her again. And build a friendship. Or invite her for coffee after drop off at a cafe instead to build a friendship without dc. Maybe you didn't click, really. Keep inviting people and don't mention it to them, about this woman. You just don't know who people know and as I say, for all you know she could be struggling with other issues. Or just be busy.

I live in an affluent area that could easily be mistaken for a stepford wives boden shoot on the set of midsomer murders. I don't care about square footage or the latest tiles etc. I care that the person is kind and friendly. And not shouty and gossipy.

You'll be fine. Don't be ashamed of your home and judge it unnecessarily. It sounds lovely:)

beaglesaresweet · 18/05/2014 01:43

the answer is though, some people do judge. Especially those who have put a lot of effort into climbing where they are now. They may like people with similar ambitions. Or there are just nasty snobs quite a few of those around.
But in this case, who knows. You did like her, so give her a chance. Try to invite her for a coffee again, then see.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 18/05/2014 01:54

I really hope most people wouldn't judge on something like this. We now live in one of a handful of modest (but nice) HA houses in a village full of expensive 5 bed detached houses.

DD starts pre-school in September & I do hope we are not looked down upon as a poor relation! Sad

Chocolategirl7 · 18/05/2014 08:45

It's difficult isn't it? It's probably more about what's going on in your head than hers, but I have felt exactly the same. I had a friend who was considerably better off and it was fine when kids were very little, but it all fell apart when it was all 'which private school' and 'which property investment' when we just didn't have things in common anymore!

Invite her round to yours, or suggest getting together again and then you will probably be able to tell.

Joylin · 18/05/2014 15:58

I wouldn't judge but some people are very strange and do.

Joysmum · 18/05/2014 19:31

I don't judge others by where they live because I know people who over stretched to be somewhere 'better' and we ourselves could have afforded to mortgage up and go somewhere better but instead chose to invest in other property with a view to cashing it all in in 5-6 years times and being mortgage free with the better property

You can't judge a book by its cover.

What you can judge is those who are twats and not bother with them but that's decided on behaviour, not possessions.

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