Marriage on the rocks

[Ang2585]

I have been married to my husband for 5 years. We were really happy for the first year. We then went on to have our first child and things started to change even through the pregnancy my husband was less attentive. When our baby was born he found it hard to adjust. I found it hard being on my own all day with a demanding baby. Then we found out our son had a genetic mental disability at 10 months old after we found out my sister's son had the condition we were advised to get our so tested too as it runs in family's. We were completely distraught. Anyway about a year later we decided we wanted to try for another baby, we knew this would prove difficult as there was a 50% chance of passing on the condition to another child. Anyway I became pregnant and got a CVS test at 11 weeks which tested positive for Turner syndrome and Fragile x. We were advised to have a termination as the baby may not survive anyway and if it did it would severe learning difficulties and health problems. We were devastated.
Then a year later we went through IVF and PGD to eliminate the genetic condition being passed on. Fortunately I became pregnant. Then when we went for our 12 week scan we were told I had a missed miscarriage. This took it's toll on us too.

Basically in a nut shell we have not had much luck. Our son is very much hard work, he has very challenging behaviour and is very hyperactive. I find it a struggle with him every day. We very rarely spend any time together as a couple as nobody can cope with looking after my son.

My sex drive is non existent I don't enjoy it at all. I just do it on the odd occasion to keep my husband happy. We don't really get on anymore my husband is married to his job. I feel like his job comes first and we come last. He is very lazy around the house and I just feel like he doesn't care about me. I have already discussed all these things with him but nothing has changed. It just seems to be the same arguments all the time.

Any advice? Not sure if our marriage is going to go on much longer.

Is there any way you and your husband could have a couple of days together on your own? You sound exhausted and he sounds as if he just cannot cope with family life. I am so sorry you are going through this. It may be your DH has been more affected by past events than he realises. Thats said he should be pulling his weight in the house.

You do sound terribly sad, OP. You have had so much thrown at you. How is your DH with your ds, does he look after him at weekends? Are you able to get respite through SS for your son? Does your DH have any idea you are coming to 'the end of the line' it sounds like a very lonely marriage for you, OP, this can't go on. Can you talk about this with RL friends?

You sound exhausted. Your DH may be too - even if he is working as some sort of displacement activity as avoidance (for whatever reason) of home life. And you cannot know his reasons if you are overwhelmed and barely talking.

There's no quick fix for this. You need to reconnect with DH, you need some life away from DS (even if only occasional) and that is for both you as an individual and you and DH as a couple.

Is there any possibility of respite care? Or really no possibility that someone could stand in, even for a couple of hours?

I have tried to get respite care but because my son is under 5 they won't give me any unless I am going to harm him, which is a disgrace.
I think we would benefit from going away as a couple for a couple of days. But it's trusting someone looking after him and someone even wanting to do it.
I get a break for a couple of hours in the morning whilst my son is at nursery but we never get quality time as a couple. Maybe that's where it's all going wrong.

OP I understand x we have a severely autistic DS and it's very very difficult. You both need and deserve respite. We accessed respite care from 4 with our son (he is 10 now) - it started with just three hours a week, now it's 5 hours a week and two nights a month and extras in the holiday. Please phone SS and tell them you are desperate. Don't put on a brave show for them x

I have been trying to get respite through his clinical psychologist and my outreach worker. Both have applied but been declined. I may try phoning social services myself is that the way you got it?

Yes, direct through the disabled children's team. You have to have assessments etc but it's well worth it x

I was following your thread before. Did you manage to get some respite care? How are things now?