How should I deal with this?

[mermaid101]

I'll keep this as short as I can, but am more than happy to offer any extra details/explanations.

I don't have a particularly good relationship with my in laws. I feel their problem with me is based on a sort of "inverse snobbery". One of the main ways this manifests itself is through their negativity/ disapproval of my job. I am a teacher. I work full time. My in laws often imply that I am lazy and appear to think that full time teaching equals part time hours.

A few months ago my DH and I were invited to a family function. He didn't really want to go and made our excuses on the basis that I was about 20 weeks pregnant with our second child I would be too tired. I was very annoyed with him for doing this. I would have been happy to go.

We have now been invited to a wedding in a few weeks for another of his family. All the people who were at the fuction we did not attend will be there. I am anticipating quite a lot of barbed comments about me feeling tired and possibly a few overt ones about me not wanting to come to the previous party.

How should I deal with this. I would normally sort of laugh lamely and make an akward excuse, but I don't want to. I feel I want to sort of stand up for myself, but I don't want to show a big rift between my DH and me. ( he knows how annoyed I was at being used as an excuse). I also don't want to appear rude or "difficult" but at the same time, I would like it known that I did not refuse to come to something I was invited to because I was "tired".

Can people help me with a pleasent but firm way of responding to any comments I think will be made. They tend to be on the subtle side ie very pointedly telling me about someone who worked a 14 hour shift, came to the party, helped clear up and then went straight back to work or something like that. Then they leave a little pause and say "shame you were too tired up come. Was great fun ... So when is you next holiday" .

Thanks

Something like, I'm sure I would have managed fine. Dear H was being a little over protective of me and future child when he turned you down.

Well, if would be vile to drop your DH in it by revealing it was a lie, so another lie is necessary. You're preggo, you were tired and you were poorly.

If they tease you by pretending working full-time as a teacher is really part-time and a doddle I suggest you go along with it. You can't get into an argument by agreeing with other people.

Ah I feel for you.

Also people outside of teaching often find it difficult to understand. Dh shouldn't have done that. I think that I would ty not to give s damn. It sounds like they are judgy. Try and smile and say your feeling great again now.

I would quietly tell someone that dh is more worried about the pregnancy than you and you nothing of the last occassion.

As a former teacher myself, I found that the best response was to suggest that any commenter can retrain from their ever so difficult job to becoming a teacher.

The rebuttals can't come quick, ime.

It's got to be worth a try

As for the other gathering, I would agree with a PP and say that DH had turned down the invitation before you knew of it but are sure that he was just being concerned for your well being and that of your child. Perhaps say how he'd heard that early on in pregnancy can be as tiring, if not more, than the later stages and so he made an assumption.

My friend is a teacher and she hardly gets a ounce of time to herself. I remember her saying to me when she was training 'People have advised I make a point of doing one thing for myself every once and while' I thought wow that is full on!

I'd be so annoyed but I get a bit like that with sly comments, although I am no better in handling these scenarios either.

I agree with BillyBanter but, I'd still be tempted to give a dig back LOL.

I agree with Meow on the teaching thing. If teaching is so easy, why aren't you doing it?

Don't feel you have to defend yourself. Just ask jokingly if the party was second rate because you weren't there, otherwise, why would there be a fuss over the fact you weren't?

Something like, I'm sure I would have managed fine. Dear H was being a little over protective of me and future child when he turned you down.

Perfect, in fact I'd make your husband take the lead and say this when you first arrive and start to chat with people.

HE needs to say he is sorry you didn't go to X as he was just being overprotective.

Agree with Billy's idea but if anyone criticises your profession just smile and agree. Say "Yeah, it's even dossier than I thought it would be. We do absolutely nothing all day, everyday. In fact I fell asleep with 32 teenagers in the class the other day. Why aren't you a teacher? It's ace!" Then give them a big smile and go to the loo.

I would say "Oh DH is a terror for using my pregnancy as an excuse to get out of stuff he doesn't fancy attending". Or if that's too frank just tell them you feel fine today and thank you for their concern, (especially if they haven't asked you how you are).

I don't think it's fair of DH to use you as a fireguard or your pregnancy as an excuse to dodge an event he preferred to avoid. So if he stands devotedly next to you and fields enquiries that will be a help.

Any barbed comments about your job look them in the eye and ask if they're home educating or planning to? Because you're interested to hear how that's working out for them.

I was on my phone earlier so couldn't be bothered typing more. Delivery is important as well as what you say. Presuming you want to put them right without making a big deal of it or saying your DH is a liar, or putting him down so it needs to be light. A smile, oh, I would have been fine to come if he'd asked you, a wave of the hand. You want to say that he was only trying to be considerate, but he's a little over protective of you and the bump. That it was his decision to refuse the invitation, not yours. It's not a big deal so you want to wave it off breezily and move onto the next subject, so have a question ready to ask them next and move on swiftly to that.

Thanks for these! They are great. I wanted to be able to make my point in quite a "light" way, so the suggestions are perfect.

Thanks for the understanding of my job/hours. I know it can be a controversial topic. Hopefully this all works out because my intention is to try to continue to challenge (in a gentle and non aggressive way) more of these types of comment.

I do a job that is typically thought of as 'easy' though of course in reality whilst there are some noticeable slackers most people work bloody hard. I find gatherings can be similar to you, op people wade in as to how little I do, how easy my life must be compared to theirs.

Hollow laugh

I found by far the best way is complete agreement and offer to look out for vacancies for them. I usually have a few outrageously fictional anecdotes where I go into great detail about how seven of us lazed in an office for fourteen weeks to do the work of one person, seems to work. I get far less stick than when I attempted to defend myself.