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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need motivational mantras for staying firm!!

20 replies

makeitalargeoneplease · 17/05/2014 14:12

Title says it all really. I have told my dh that we are over. I won't go into detail because from previous threads on here that I've started over the years, I know I am right to do this and although he is not a bad person, he's not a good husband. He is not going to change, he has had many chances to do so, but hasn't. One of his issues is that he has never really grown up and I have probably mothered him too much. I get nothing out of our relationship and haven't done for years.

On one of my old threads which I can't find, there was some lovely mantra type messages such as 'one life, live it', 'life is too precious to waste with someone who doesn't deserve you' etc. Now these might not work for everybody and some may think them cheesy, but in the midst of all his crying, I find these statements helpful to cling on to! His crying and sobbing is all for him, he does acknowledge that, accepts that he is completely to blame, but god it's hard seeing a grown man you love sob and sob like a baby, for hours on end. I know he's crying for his own loss that he has caused, he is devastated for the children but I also know that I have to stay strong, I deserve so much better and have accepted so little for so long. Yet I feel like the bad guy now!! RL support has been great, but any motivational or helpful statements people would like to share that will keep me going will be gratefully received, especially in the dead of the night when I can wobble and need to stay strong...... Especially because we are skint and the physical separation will take a while. Thank you.

OP posts:
droitwichmummy · 17/05/2014 14:19

How about
"I deserve to be happy" and "This is not what life is about" to get started

WellitsAllGoneNow · 17/05/2014 14:21

"My mother didn't give birth to me so I could spend my whole adulthood unhappy."

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/05/2014 14:25

It's not a motivational statement but I would honestly tell him that, if he wants to sob like a baby, would he mind going somewhere else to do it. I mean... really.... Hmm must be very distressing for the children.

'Life's not a dress rehearsal'
'It is better to live one day as a lion than a thousand days as a lamb'
'Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life'... Steve Jobs

makeitalargeoneplease · 17/05/2014 14:35

Thank you, all useful and helpful. He is keeping the crying well away from the children, struggling but taking himself away from them when he is starting to wobble, and sore looking eyes being blamed on hayfever. I have a daily quotes calendar, just uncovered today's and it says 'be strong'. Great coincidence!

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makeitalargeoneplease · 18/05/2014 22:03

Anymore anyone....?! I'm struggling, dh has of course been perfect all weekend and given me a real taste of how it could have and should have been. BUT! I cannot give in now, I must remember the many bad times. Any words of strength much appreciated, thank you....

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whitsernam · 18/05/2014 22:31

When someone tells you who they are (what they are?).... believe them! He's shown you what/who he is.... so don't waver now.

makeitalargeoneplease · 19/05/2014 16:35

Thank you. Am so angry but yet utterly exhausted. So easy to let everything slip back now that he's decided he 'can' be nice when he puts his mind to it but by god I will be raging with myself if I give up now. I have been desperately unhappy, miserable and ignored for years, he has one weekend of upset and I cave in? No no no no no! I can do this I can! Why do I feel like the bad guy though? Anyone else going through similar I'm happy to give moral support, we can do this, one life!

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whitsernam · 19/05/2014 17:34

Yes, he can be nice when he wants to.... but how long would/does that last? When he's more comfortable again how will he behave? I think you may feel like the bad guy because you're making the decision. Would he feel that way if he were the one deciding? I stand by my previous comment, and the fact that past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour (which I learned from a very good therapist after leaving an abusive man)

You CAN do this, and you need to.

Fluffybrain · 19/05/2014 19:52

I am in a similar place and have come looking for inspiration to stay strong too. Keep saying over in my head, i am strong, keep moving forward. I have been seeing a therapist who practices Emotional Freedom Technique which involves talking and tapping certain points on the body. I find it very helpful. The mantra for this therapy is, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. My sister has been through something similar and gave me some good advice which she got from her therapist. You need to allow your rational side to take the lead for the moment. Your emotional side will draw you back but your rational side knows this is not right, and can never be right. Trust your head and not your heart right now. Your heart needs time and space to heal before you can trust it again. Stay strong for a better life. This too shall pass.

Whocansay · 19/05/2014 20:25

He's on best behaviour now because it's good for HIM , not you. He couldn't give a shit that you were unhappy before, but now that his lifestyle has been threatened, he's turning on the charm, hoping to convince you to forget your years of unhappiness.

It's all about him and what he wants and feels. You are purely there to service him. Don't you feel angry? He's showing you he can behave well when he wants to - he knows how to do it when he wants to help himself. But he won't do it for you.

akaWisey · 19/05/2014 21:43

How about "Better to walk alone than be poorly accompanied". I've seen it said here before and I always remember it when I have a moment of madness wistfulness about exH.

onionlove · 19/05/2014 23:33

Hi makeit, i am in the same place as you, my dh has been Mr perfect since he got caught and now he's saying we are separating because i want to and he doesn't but what he has been up to behind my back hasn't left me much choice i am feeling guilty about the dcs but i am not and will never be happy with him so that doesnt create a positive environment for them, i think that leaving decisions to head rather than heart is great advice i also find certain music helps i think there was a thread about it, life is too short not to be happy honey x

Glenshee · 19/05/2014 23:46

Imagine yourself doing nothing and in this same relationship in 10 years time.

Scarletohello · 19/05/2014 23:55

There's a great website Baggage Reclaumed with a lot of words of wisdom that I think would be good to read in a situation like this.

Stay strong!

Tinks42 · 20/05/2014 00:01

An ex (or soon to be one) is an ex for a reason. Don't go back go forward. Lifes too short. Can you see yourself with him in 10 years time.

makeitalargeoneplease · 20/05/2014 07:54

Absolutely can't see myself with him in 10 years, you're right. And I really like the bit about parking the emotional side and only listening to the rational. I have given him so many chances to change but it never ever lasts, he says he wants to change but then why didn't he! My problem is I'm too soft and always but everyone else first but am really hanging on to 'me' now. So far so good, I'm not caving. He's still living here which makes it hard but I'm standing firm. I keep replaying bad times, of which there are plenty, in my head. It's helping. I am angry with him which he is a little shocked by, because I think he expects me to be the nice peace keeper that I always am. God I feel like bursting into Gloria gaynor at any moment!! Positive vibes to everyone else going through similar, another day successfully done yesterday!

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makeitalargeoneplease · 20/05/2014 07:55

Put everyone first not but!

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shesasillybitch · 20/05/2014 11:49

If something isn't working for you, why wait around for it to feel like it's 100% or 110% not working? What are you waiting for?? To star in your own remake of A Nightmare On Elm Street?

www.facebook.com/baggagereclaim?fref=ts

shesasillybitch · 20/05/2014 11:57

There are many things you can get away with faking in life such as futures, orgasms, how much hair you have, and your nails, but the one thing you can't fake is you and all that you encompass.

You come with history, experience, quirks, characteristics, qualities, values, and yes, flaws, but so does everyone, so don't let having flaws be a reason to crush your sense of self or your perception of your options.

makeitalargeoneplease · 20/05/2014 18:20

Thank you shesasilly. Today for some reason, even without seeing this I kept thinking what would I be waiting for, apart from more of the same of course. Have been reading some good threads on here this eve and the sad thing is I do think all his tears and promises of change are completely genuine at this moment in time, he does accept blame and will readily admit it's his fault our relationship hasn't worked (I'm not perfect but by god I've tried, he hasn't). However, it's the same every time, he'll change for a few weeks then lapse back. Enough chances given. Time for me, I can do this!!

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