DP appeasing exw

[whilewildeisonmine]

Just that really. He knows she's being unreasonable and admits it but rather than risk any upset with her he'll go along with what she wants even if it means screwing up any plans we may have. I just feel a bit shit and can't bring myself to even look at him right now.

Someone tell me to pull myself together, it's a lovely day and we can make other plans but it's really riled me that, once again, what she wants is what she gets.

Do they have DC together?

You'll probably have to be a bit more specific. I know that it often seems to my dp/family that I do a fair bit of 'appeasing' when it comes to XH, but to me it's picking my battles and trying to do what's genuinely best for ds, without my own personal feelings about XH getting in the way.

Why doesn't he want to 'risk upset'? What is she likely to do when upset? And why is you being upset less risky.....?

Yes they do have DC and so do we. In this case it's nothing to do with the DC otherwise I would understand and wouldn't feel so let down, they were included in our plans. I understand how it's necessary to pick battles, we've been doing it for years. I guess everything has just come to a head today and I'm tired of his willingness to zoom off round there whenever she decides she needs a shelf putting up (that's not what he's doing today but is a past example).

Cogito - when he doesn't do as he's told she is mean to him. When I'm upset I'm not and he knows I'll eventually come round and end up apologising to him for adding to his stress.

What's happened today?

It's a power battle then. In a nutshell, he needs to be more scared of upsetting you than he is of upsetting her. Make him choose and make the consequences of the wrong choice fairly dire......

Agree with Cogito. Learn to shout!

You apologise for adding to his stress?.... You realise you get no respect in life by being a placid apologetic doormat?

when he doesn't do as he's told she is mean to him. When I'm upset I'm not and he knows I'll eventually come round and end up apologising to him for adding to his stress

Possibly you've fallen into that '2nd wife trap' of not wanting to be 'horrible' like the ex was, so will keep schtum on things you wouldn't normally and put up with piss taking, so as not to be 'like her'

It all has to come to a head eventually.

Hmmm, that's not on. His only contact with her should be regarding dc, shouldn't it? Not putting bloody shelves up (or whatever)!

I'm not surprised you're fed up, in that case. It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him about this, and he needs to remember who it is he's in a relationship with now.

If doing home maintenance type things at her house is because he is concerned aoiut how his DC are living all the time, his XW is unable/unwilling to do certain tasks, and it's actually cheaper/easier for him to do it, then it's not necessarily wrong.

What is wrong is that she has him in a string. If DIY stuff was scheduled (eg calling in for half an hour when dropping off/picking up) and therefore 'available' only at certain times I expect you would mind considerably less.

Can you rescue your plans for today? Do things with DC without him? Get yourself back into equilibrium and get a bit of thinking done. I agree you need a serious talk.

I think it's fair enough to schedule in some DIY time for things that his DCs need, such as repairing wonky school desks or collapsing shelves, but at a time that is reasonably convenient to him (and therefore you and your family), as AuntieStella says.

Urgent stuff like burst pipes I would understand.

Can I say, my ExH does fuck all for me and our DCs - but I don't respect him at all. I do respect men and women who help their own children.

What is going wrong here is his action and your reaction. You are reacting inside, but not showing honestly on the outside, so he carries on his actions.

How is the day ruined, and can it be salvaged?

I would walk over the coals of hell before I asked my children's father to repair something in my house, I'd be so mortified!