Need my hand held and my arse kicked..

[emotional83]

I'm back again. This is my original thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2048171-Please-help-getting-desperate

Sorry to dripfeed, but this would be even longer if I don't.

Things got a little better. Then worse again. He got himself a job and started working finally. He started going out on benders. Doesn't invite me unless his friends ask if I'm actually real then I get texts begging me to come out. Comes back 12 hours late and tells me he's done coke. Doesn't get what my fucking problem is whilst I'm at home sick in bed and him promising me he would come back as hasn't spent any time at all with me.

Fast forward to last Friday - I went out for the first time in months as it was my friends birthday weekend. I got none stop abuse from him saying I'm a cunt. Why don't I go and fuck someone else. Apparently that's a joke! I tell him a joke supposed to be something where two people find funnny. Everything is a joke to him. I go to work and I'm tidy. I pay his mum rent. He pays nothing. If I tell him anything I get abuse, rudeness and he's just plain horrible. He spends all his money within a day or two after getting it. For mothers day I bought his mum her present from him. I paid for the family dinner out that day. I paid for her bday present and he does fuck all. He lives in a fantasy land where everything is paid for by everyone else and he can do what he likes.

Monday he didn't go to work. he told me he booked the day off. Tuesday he said they didnt send him any work. Wednesday he texts me to say they didnt send him any work because the company has gone into administration. I knew he was lying from that moment. So I logged into his emails and found out he hadn't bothered to turn up to work mon or tues. Wednesday they asked for him to return his vehicle and uniform and hes said hes not returning anything until he gets his money. I've just gone along with so he doesn't know I know as he will lie and lie and lie again and somehow turn this on me like it's my fault.

This evening I told him he's not going to be insured on the vehicle as he doesn't work for them they would have cancelled it and dont be surprised if theyve reported it as stolen. I got back fuck off I ain't stupid they cant say its stolen if i have the keys and i'm insured for a year...

He lies about lies. I could go into more detail and explain myself a lot better as I am missing loads out but don't want to bore anyone.

So, I called up my brother and after a long lecture he's loaned me enough money to get out and rent a room. So my plan is to find a room asap and move out when they're not in so I can just go. If he gets wind of it he will get aggressive and won't give me my stuff. He's threatened him several times.

Sunday I have 3 viewings and I'm having to lie so I can get out of the house. He's been checking my phone when I've been sleeping. I feel sick and nervous like I'm not going to go through it but I've got my brother involved now and I can't back out. I'm scared.

Just to add. I've confronted him before about the lies. He gets abusive won't show any sort of remorse tells me I'm not perfect and how it's all my fault because and then he makes up something that never actually happened. He denys things he says and then tells me I must have forgotten what with my shit memory...

Haven't read the previous thread as I am just going to bed, but your plan sounds like a good one. You just need to hold your nerve. Definitely go through with it, he sounds like a complete idiot and a nasty one too. I would just pick the best room of the 3 on Sunday and take one straight away. Delete your browsing history as well as deleting texts on the phone.
In fact, if you know you're going soon, could you stay with a friend immediately, knowing that it would only be for a week or two rather than indefinitely?

Thanks Everything. Funny enough I told my best friend everything thats happened this week and she has offered me to come and stay with her, but I would need all my stuff out before I go anywhere and I've no where to put it and I don't currently have a car. If he even got wind of it I'd be out and he wouldn't give me any of my stuff. This is the sort of bloke he is. My hearts been racing and I feel faint the more I think of it.

Hi op I'm very glad to hear that you've finally realized you are worth so much more and leaving. There are really good men out there, you do not have to settle for this poor excuse for a man. The thing is he will never change and it's not your job to make him a better person.
You need to time this move when he is out for the day. Do you know of anything he has planned which will take him out for the day, get your stuff out. You can store with your brother if he has space. Hopefully one of your viewings turns out to be somewhere you can live. Please just be strong and not turn back.

Yes, you need to get out. Thank god for your lovely brother. Lean in him, on others and DO NOT STAY!!!!

Good luck xx

Do be careful with your internet history.

Get away with your DB's help and do not be charmed back by any threats or phoney pleas for a fresh start. Keep away from him and his family.

You probably expend so much nervous energy putting up with this fool on a daily basis, it gets wearisome sifting through lies and walking on eggshells. Imagine what you will accomplish once you are awsy from him.

So glad you're planning on leaving. Call women's aid. The can offer you somewhere to stay until you find somewhere. This man is a leech and you need him out of your life yesterday.

If you do get caught no in your stuff and he is agressive, just call the police, no hesitation. Or better still have your brother with you at all times. Most men like this are bullies and cowards who won't pick on somebody their own size. Good luck op - your life will be so much better without this cock lodger!

I'm hoping I can just go and he's gone out somewhere! If not I will ask work for a day off during the week and get someone to take him out it something.. Not holding my breath though. I've just asked him for £2 to give the delivery driver as he's ordered pizza and is running out quickly so he throws about £4.50 at me like I'm a dog?

Just have to keep reminding myself to smile, look like he's an amazing boyfriend and bite my tongue. It's getting harder and yet I'm still feeling sick with nerves. Why don't I just have some balls and get angry? My brother texted me earlier and told me to stop worrying I have nothing to worry about if he starts anything he will book a flight from Asia and land here ASAP. Lol I do love my brother. I'm grateful I have someone even if they're half way across the world. Thank you all for your kind words. I will be updating as I go and I need it let it out x

I have an update. Yesterday I finally moved out. Today I told him it was over and removed him and his family from everything I had them all on.

He has been utterly vile the last few weeks. One minute being nice ish then the next calling me everything under the sun. He even jacked into my fb when I was at work and didn't seem to care when challenged. I could go and into loads of detail the disgusting things he's said to me. When I was leaving yesterday he was asking me if I fancied him fucking me before I left. I asked him if he's ill as he's just not normal. Gave him his keys back and into the van I rented I went. He didn't evem bother to help me let alone open a door even though I was carrying about 20 massive crates and bags.Then I got a text from him saying he loves me and doesn't want to split up. I told him he seriously needs to sort his life out. then today I said he needs to leave me alone for good now and then he started telling em to remove him and all his friends (Yes the whole one friend he's only ever introduced me too)

So I'm sat in my new bed in my lovely new room (mostly unpacked!) And yet I feel sad, lonely and I miss him. And he's a fucking arsehole, but I miss him. Maybe I do have issues.

This is a normal reaction just after a split of this nature. There is a lot of grieving for what might have been, and reprocessing of a relationship to go through as part of the healing process - so often this is referred to as the roller-coaster of emotion. Just take care of yourself, eat, sleep, allow your thoughts to run as they may, and do not decide anything else for a good while yet. Do not engage with him.

This is the distilled wisdom of the Emotional Abuse thread, and many other threads of individual posters.

Baggage Reclaim got me through my last incredibly painful break up. Please look it up and read all the posts, they are the best advice on life and relationships you will ever get.

I had times when I was literally rocking back and forth with the emotional pain I felt. It really is the loss of the dream you had and fear of the future that is making you minimise what an utter bastard he is. Read back what you have posted here. It is appalling and you will be so much happier alone or with someone who doesn't treat you like absolute shit.

This is just another new start - life is full of them. It is an opportunity, not a loss. Can you block him from your phone?

Thank you. I just feel so lonely all of a sudden. It's a beautiful day and I'm sat in by myself as everyone else is out with their families. Think I need to meet new friends, but how and where?

I've now had to involve the police. He's threatened me and hoped my dd and I quote I hope that cunt dies and my nigger father. He's also sent an email to my work saying I do drugs and that I'm a bad person who boosts etc etc. and to think I said earlier I missed him? What an utter scumbag wishing an innocent child dead. And nit to mention to disgusting racist remarks about my father. So angry I can't sleep even though I have to be up in five hours!

What an awful man. You've had a lucky escape though I'm sure things must still be terribly difficult. Would you think of going along to Women's Aid as they will have lots of advice and reassurance about coping with a situation such as this?

You are going to be ok. Hold onto that anger.

I was worried about you turning all mushy and missing him, expecting him to hold doors for you while you moved out, etc.. I hope you can now accept that he is not going to make any effort for you, that he doesn't see you as in any way special, and that he didn't appreciate one single thing about you. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this man was angry, mean, selfish, immature and completely amoral.
And lazy. Therefore incapable of loving anyone.

WA number is 0808 2000 247.

No you're actually spot on! And thank you. I'm just sat at the police station now waiting to be interviewed. My boss was fine and make a joke out of it asking if I think I should avoid relationships with unhinged men? Lol made me laugh first time today. He's going to speak to hr and is happy for the police to contact him if need be. Wish me luck and thank you x

All the luck in the world. But stick with this -- it will take effort and you will feel you are a mess occasionally (regularly?). Sit it out. It will be so well worth it to go through the process of getting him out of your hair.

I hope the police are willing to take it seriously. You can get various orders to make your personal safety more of a priority for them and show them that you are serious.

Non molestation order info on WA site.

Thank you. They are taking it seriously thank God. They were disgusted by what he said about my daughter. I mean what sort of person wishes that on a child? They agree he's abusive and maybe controlling. I have to email them all the text messages and wait now to see what he has for say for himself. No doubt he will lie about everything. They might not be able to prove it wasn't me who sent that email to my work which I do understand as people can be known to do anything, but I've told them I have witnesses where I was and if they want they can trace my ip but they said it's a costly exercise and something that's normally done only when it's criminal. He wants me to contact the domestic violence unit, but I don't want to. I'm over that stage in my life and it would just open up old wounds. Thank you for talking to me. I do feel like people just give up on me and my car crash life

Your work might be able to figure out the IP?

I would give the DV unit a serious thought. The police like to feel they are being backed up by the victim on DV matters. They may also be able to refer you for counselling, which is highly recommended for DV victims -- there is always something positive to be gained from post DV talking ime.

It's me again. Well they cautioned him. He denied sending any malicious material to me. They didn't mention the work email though which worries me? I was told that malicious communication and also slander, but maybe not so the latter. They said he was remorseful and they just gave him a caution. I'm not really happy that he can lie and say he's not sent me anything and he also told the police he's off to Brazil tomorrow? I said to the officer unless Brazil is a new pub he's going nowhere and has lied again and no tape. I'm not sure exactly that to do. Do I leave it now or do I carry on re the work email as I can prove he sent it.

Any advice would be appreciated

Get a non-molestation order. Contact Women's Aid to find out how.

Talk to the DV unit too.

If you hesitate to talk to the DV unit or to get the non-mol order because that would feel too confrontational or because you fear it would set him off, all the more reason to reach out for the support that WA offers, and get the order.