Two years and not dealing with split from ex, should I finish with current partner?

[pumpkinpie5]

I will try to keep this brief but I have been reading various threads on here for two years to try and help me but thought I should take the plunge and get others advice.

Christmas two years ago my partner of nine years, fiancé and father of my three year old left me out of the blue. Said he hadn't been happy on and off for three years. I since found out he had cheated and was currently having an affair. I had a miscarriage summer of that year whilst we were in the process of moving into our first owned home together so it was a shock for many reasons- one, because we had planned another child and two, because we had just bought our first home.

Four months later he begged to come back, made a big declaration on Facebook that he'd made the biggest mistake of his life (he is known by a lot because of his profession so declaration was v public) and so I took him back. I had been devastated obviously and signed off work, antidepressants etc..but loved him and thought it was best for my daughter and myself.

Three months later found out through my daughter he was seeing someone else-through her saying she had been on playmates with same woman and son a few times. Hence it was all over. He is now engaged to this person.

I have been seeing new guy for nearLy a ye. Wasn't ready to date even after 18 months but friends told me to get out there.it has continued because he's a great guy,would never cheat, secure, loves me, makes huge effort with my daughter but I have recently asked for space because I just don't feel the way I should. I don't know if this is because I'm not over everything that has happened or he just isn't right. He is devastTed and I hate hurting him.just don't know what to do. I talk to my ex because I've tried to do so for my daughter but it's a love hate relationship which confuses me more.

Sorry for the long post. But two years on and I'm so confused. Advice would be appreciated. X

It's probably a combination of all the things you mention. The last part of your previous relationship was traumatic to say the least & you've had a huge amount of change, stress, bereavement & loss in your life generally. When your world has been turned upside down and you're still trying to cope with the aftermath the kind of person you want to be with short-term is very different from when you're happy in your skin and feeling secure. It's the 'rebound' situation magnified.

I think you had to be honest. Sound like he's not a bad man, just the wrong man. He'll live.

As regards your ex.. are you saying that you talk to them about more than your DD?

Thank you for your reply. Your words about the type of person you want to be with short term as opposed to when I'm back to feeling like myself have really hit home. I hadn't thought of it like that but he has been very caring and made me feel secure but as I've tried to pull myself up and start being more positive I have started to realise he's maybe not right long term and he's never really seen the real me which is what I want to get back to. He is a very good man and I feel awful for hurting him.

Yes, I talk to my ex about a lot of things again lately, he asks about my relationships, how I am etc and gives me hugs and says he's there for me. I believe he genuinely cares, he's very confused and has had a tough life himself, but then he will have our daughter and do something I've asked him not to and I get upset and we row. So that's what I mean about the love ate relationship. But I would love for us to get on for the sake of our daughter. It's her birthday party next week and we are both going to be there with family which is great.

Be very wary of the ex. He treated you abysmally and is now playing Father Confessor with hugs?.... You say you want to get on for your DD's sake but there will be a little piece of you wallowing in 'if only' and that will prevent you from properly moving on. New men in your life will compare badly if you're getting too close.

Yes I think in the back of mind mind I know this. I do think he is genuine at times though, but yes, of douse I miss him sometimes so yes talking too much is stopping me from properly moving on.

Oh it's so difficult. Am feeling a bit sorry for myself at moment. Have left it that I need space for a bit with new guy but I need to end the relationship and having never done it before I am dreading it :-/

Everything gets better with practise. I'd suggest keep it kind, short, unambiguous and avoid criticisms if you can. 'You're a great guy but it's just not working for me'.... etc.

Do take some big steps back from the ex if you're still at the stage of missing him. If you're supposed to be in a relationship but pouring your heart out to the ex it's almost in 'emotional affair' territory. Your heart can't be in it.