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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it him, or the life we planned that I'm missing?

7 replies

suchpickles · 16/05/2014 20:01

Broke up with DP just about a week ago. Several years together, no children. Fairly nasty break-up for those first days, though we've both since apologized and are on (mostly) friendly terms.

I was very much in love with him, but I realized there were some things that I just couldn't live with, some attitudes of his that I found unacceptable, and in the end, decided we were too incompatible.

I was supposed to move in with him in a few weeks. He's renting a new apartment that I was meant to move into, we've been planning projects, buying things we need and decorations. I was looking at jobs in the area (perfect area for me, I was thrilled to be living there). We've talked of ttc later this year when everything is settled.

Now I'm fine in my current situation - I don't need to move, we're both perfectly fine financially with the split, that's not an issue. I just feel this overwhelming sense of loss, and what I can't get straight in my mind is whether I'm missing him and the life we planned together or if it's less personal - the loss of this nice neat life, a steady dp beside me, a home together, a baby.

Despite the things I think I couldn't live with, in so many ways he was perfect for me, did so much for me, understood me, we got on so well most of the time and it felt so right to be starting this life together.

I try to imagine a life with anyone else, meeting someone new, and I can't, the only person I can imagine being with is ex-dp and I hate the thought of someone new, but I know it's such early days, and maybe that will change when it isn't so raw. But will it? I know he wants me back.

I don't know if anyone can help with this, I just don't know how to figure out my own mind. I don't know if I love him or the idea of the life we would have had, what it is I miss so much. I have such a sense of loss. When I hear my phone, I hope it's him, even though I don't want it to be at the same time.

Has anyone been through anything similar? I would appreciate any kind of perspective on this.

OP posts:
Matildathecat · 16/05/2014 20:57

Remember those unacceptable attitudes and behaviours were only ever going to get worse. You didn't leave for no reason but mourning the loss of your dreams is so normal and healthy.

Stick with it, you'll be fine. And yes, there will be someone else.x

Ikeameatballs · 16/05/2014 21:01

It's probably a combination of missing the familiarity of him and missing the life you had planned to happen.

What were the attitudes that were troubling you enough to split?

abury449 · 24/05/2014 17:22

Sounds like the life you'd started to plan...it's tough, but time will help, and as matildathecat says there will be someone else

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/05/2014 17:28

I'd also suggest it's a combination of a lot of things. Nostalgia, regrets, uncertainty... To go from your life being all mapped out to putting the map aside and starting with a blank sheet of paper is daunting. You're bound to have misgivings but, hopefully, they'll get less as time goes on. Good luck

MissPennySweet · 24/05/2014 17:41

What cogito said.

I suppose it depends on what the things you couldn't live with are?

ExCinnamon · 24/05/2014 17:49

Those attitudes you couldn't live with, I suspect were red flags and you listened to your gut instinct.

You couldn't move in with him and should be proud to do what's best for you!

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 25/05/2014 00:13

Hi. Been I a similar situation. You just have to let time pass. After a while you see things more objectively and realize you left for good reasons. Good luck. X

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