Hand holding please... Told him it's over

[OnlyMakingMeStronger]

I have name changed.
Been having issues with H for some time. Pretty much out whole relationship in fact.
The relationship was founded on a huge deception that I won't go into but one I forgave and moved past as there were legitimate reasons for this deception. But of course it left a crack in our foundation and I have had always slight trust issues. Unsurprisingly he has had severe trust issues with me (projection).
No one has cheated (that I know of) and we have an appalling way of communicating.
He seems to think that if I just don't agree with his thoughts instantly then it should be treated with contempt, stonewalling, then screamed at, name called, told I'm a bad person, a bad mum, everything is 100% my fault and he is a victim of me. All the classic passive aggressive stuff and then some incredibly nasty cruel stuff on top.
We split a while back, reconciled and were working at it, I thought. But we had a row and he has instantly reverted type. But today did it all in front of our daughter who burst into tears and his behind my legs (she is almost 2) and then he called me 'you Fucking worthless bitch, look what u are doing to her!'.
I shut me and DD in her room to play til he had left for work and then text him to say not to come home later as it was over and he needed to find somewhere to stay.
Needless to say I have been subjected to a torrent of abusive text messages since then telling me it's all my fault as how awful I am and how I'm lucky to have him cos no one else will ever want me cos I'm so awful etc.
I have been replying, but - and I've surprised myself here - not in anger, more in a calm way and I feel very detached from it all.

I need to stay strong cos he ALWAYS find a away to wear me down. He always works his way back in, without any apology, with me somehow making the all sacrifices and promises and him making none.

Make it final this time, love

No more

So sorry this is happening :( you can stay strong. Another lady wrote all the negatives down on a mumsnet post so she could remember in her weaker moments and remind herself of why she wasn't going back. Would that help? You shouldn't be making all the sacrifices, you have a two year old to think about and his shouting at you on front of her makes him a terrible father and so he can go stick his calling you a terrible mother. Make sure you are safe, remember we are stronger than we think, especially when protecting children. Sorry I can't offer more advice, am sure those who can will be along. You can do this.

He text me saying I need to stop all the drama and stuff so I replied saying 'fine. No drama. Accept that this is over and I don't want you anymore. Now u have no reason to contact me unless it's to do with DD and the baby' (I'm also 6 months pregnant) and haven't heard anything since.

I feel quite numb. I keep crying but it stops very quickly. Then comes again then stops and so on. Dd is very clingy today- unsurprising after this morning - and I'm finding it tough.

Why do they have to be so nasty? I really don't understand why some men seem to get such a kick out of hurting the women they claim to love.

I just found out that he sold the gift I gave him for our first wedding anniversary. I feel like such an idiot right now.

He is messing in my head. Telling me how awful I am and what a bad mum I am for splitting up the family.
He bought me earrings few years ago and one got lost when we moved home and he hit the roof saying they were a gift I should have been more careful etc....

Feel like such a mug

He's an abusive twat and a hypocrite to boot. You, and more importantly your daughter, don't need to be living in that environment. The worst thing that can happen is your daughter starts to think it's normal and grows up following in your footsteps.

Don't let him manipulate you into giving him another chance. Nothing will change.

He doesnt deserve you for sure.
He sounds awful.

If he's the type to try wearing you down and changing your mind with more abuse (and it's not passive aggression you've been subjected to, it's aggression) then I'd recommend you get yourself and any DCs away as quickly as possible. Friend, family or to a refuge. Solicitors will say 'stay in the family home' but it's not always the best policy. Start the ball rolling on divorce from a place of safety & get him properly out of your life.

Good luck

He is an abusive twat and will never change. Men like him thrive on hurting the ones who love them, it makes them feel powerful. If you find yourself weakening remember your DD cowering in fear from her father. You are doing the best thing you can to protect your kids by getting as far away as you can from this man.

Be prepared for him to cycle between nice and nasty once he realises you are serious. Stick to your guns. The Lundy Bancroft book will help you if you can get it, it saved me and gave me the clarity I needed.

You CAN do this.

"I really don't understand why some men seem to get such a kick out of hurting the women they claim to love"

Because, like all bullies, they are cowardly and inadequate. They have nothing much going for them and feel inferior to others so they have to throw their weight about in order create an illusion of importance. They have no concept of love and all they understand is 'control'.

I'm not surprised your relationship was based on a lie. An inadequate man has to lie to attract someone.

Thank you. He is acting out of character now. In the past during rows he has stormed off n texted non stop abuse and I have begged and pleaded etc and then it's radio silence, won't answer texts no calls etc.

But today the texts started coming and I replied in more of a calm detached fashion just stating my point and position over and over. That I can't accept this behaviour anymore and I don't want to be with anymore and his messages changed to more of 'we have to work together. No one is perfect etc' I even got an apology! Kind of back handed cos it started with saying I was partly at fault for him saying nasty stuff.

Made me think 'u manipulative tosser - I'm stronger then last time and you realise your usual games aren't working so you've levelled up'

Makes me sad to be honest. My unborn is a boy - so scared he will become his dad :'(

I think you've got it right there, he's doing whatever he can to lure you back in so the abuse can continue.

You owe to your DD and unborn child not to have to see that. My parents stayed together for me and I despite neither being abusive and both being wonderful people, I saw things that shaped me. I wouldn't want any child to be in the middle of an unhappy relationship.