When do you really know it's over?

[Emptyfridgeofdoom]

Last 6 to 7 years has been very tough. H drinking ( has been in AA for years trying to deal with it). Has underlying MHdifficulties.
I'm just trying to hold it all together house, finances etc. and prop him up...he no longer lives in family home but I still care for him and am trying to keep some normality for sake of DC.
He has done some really shit things when drinking in recent years and I just feel emotionally exhausted and confused. He's sober for months then is all starts again.
When he's sober he's a lovely person and we have a close relationship. Now trust has been tested by persistent lying. When does anyone know it's the right time to formalise a separation?
Am I being weak. Need advice. First time posting.

Think of the amount of time your spend worrying about this then envisage a life where all that time is spent being happy and productive and doing what you want to do like concentrate on your children not a manchild.

Also, easy tomorrow task, arrange a free first visit with a solicitor and see where you stand, get it straight in your head and get all your ducks in a row.

If he already lives apart from you and DC then I suppose a separation is really only tidying up finances etc rather than ending a relationship which has already started to end.

But from your post, it perhaps doesn't feel like that? In your position perhaps you have to be careful not to mix up grief and loss of what could have been with the person you would wish your ex to have been with the loss of the situation as it really is, which I'd imagine must be quite a relief to separate from.

For all your sakes it might better to take the separation further to stabilise your lives. It does not stop any of you caring and having contact but should limit the extent to which your finances and lives are at the mercy of an alcoholic.

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I will try to summon the courage to act!

I think you know its over already and you just need some support to nudge you into formalising the separation. Do others know what's been going on or have you tried to keep it in-house and private? Have you ever sought legal or practical advice about divorce and what it would mean in terms of finance and housing etc? I think it sounds as though you need some security and stability quite urgently rather than hoping for a miracle and trying to keep it all together in the meantime. Create a good, stable, independent, manageable life for yourself and your DCs and then, if you still feel obliged to care about him, you can do so from a more solid foundation.

Cogito you have me rumbled. I have been hoping for a "cure". The situation is worse than ever in last couple of weeks.I have tried to keep it private but closest friends and family know.
He is having to move out of his flat next week as he can no longer afford rent. Stupidly when he was in a lengthy sober spell we booked a family holiday and I said he could move back in here briefly while he got sorted. It's a mess!

I don't think it was stupid to book the holiday or offer a place to stay. You care about someone and that's the kind of thing you're going to do. However, I think you have to make it very clear that moving back is a temporary arrangement, things are now at an end, you can no longer wait for the 'cure' and, for the sake of your own health/security/peace of mind and that of the DCs, you'll be instructing solicitors. I'd also suggest you talk to your close friends and family, give them the full picture about what has been going on, tell them your decision and get their support.

Seven years has been an enormous sacrifice, especially when you know things aren't ever going to improve.

Is there someone else he could stay with (like his family) and could you contact them directly to ask for help (ie go get him next week and keep him elsewhere) so you can extracate yourself from this situation? Maybe take a friend on holiday instead?

You don't say how bad things get but I am assuming anything (from hogging the bathroom to throw up and neglecting to turn off the gas oven at best to violence at worst) is possible here when he is drunk.

You and dc don't need this in your lives and none of this is your responsibility, you can change your mind about plans made, he has clearly changed his mind about staying sober and you cannot fix that for him. Stop feeling guilty about someone else's choices, you sound lovely and as long as you let him take advantage of that he will.

Put all the energy you are wasting, and it is wasting your time, on your children.

If he is to change, it is on his own, for himself.

I grew up with a father like this. Lovely when sober, but a nightmare when drunk. The sense of shame, fear and anxiety growing up around an alcohol abuser, never really leaves you.

Please think of your children if you cannot do it for yourself. I used to wish my mother would leave my dad, but in those days there was no support for women. It is a sad situation, but staying with him is enabling him in the long run. x

Thank you for your support. I have just got off the phone with a solicitor and have made an appointment.

Well done EmptyFridge. You are now officially my inspiration. I am in an almost identical situation and planning my exit strategy. Our family holiday is coming up in a couple of weeks so I'm holding it together for now in order to give the DC a good time.

When we return I'll be seeing a solicitor too.