How to cope with being a new auntie but unable to have kids of my own?

[MillyMollyMandy78]

I am 36 and happily married, but for reasons I don't really want to go into, there is absolutely no hope of me ever having kids of my own. I find this ok most of the time as I do not allow myself to dwell on things. However, whenever I am around other people's babies i feel very awkward and tend to avoid holding them etc as I cannot bear too.

My husband's sister has just had a baby boy and I have made a conscious decision not to shy away from him like I have with other babies. I want to be an active and involved aunt. I have seen him twice in the last few days and am completely in love with him. Have had lots of cuddles and can barely stop thinking about him. I feel overjoyed after seeing him - he is perfect. However, soon afteer, things come crashing down cos i will never get that chance to be a mum. SIL looks so content and I am really happy for her, but heartbroken re my situation.

I have read lots of books/ stuff online, and I don't really feel that I want to try counselling at this moment in time. So how do I manage to just enjoy being an auntie and not let this eat away at me. I don't want things to become obvious, or make things awkward for SIL and i don't want the grief/ frustration to get between me and DH. I find myself getting irritated about tiny things lately and I want to get to a place where I can just feel positive about my gorgeous nephew, and my future. Anybody got any advice, or dealt with this themselves?

I'm a DM to one DS and my SIL had a little girl last year. Up to that point I'd been perfectly happy with one son but my niece has bowled me over and made a little sad because being the grand old age of 49 a DD is something I'll simply never have. So I had a chat with my SIL, explained how I felt and basically apologised in advance if I ever turn into OTT Indulgent Interfering Auntie :) Awkwardness averted and worked for us. I think you should at least tell your DH how you're feeling so he can support you .... I don't think it's the kind of thing that goes away.

DH knows I'm finding it difficult and he is sympathetic and supportive, but he just does not feel the same way as I do. I did wonder about talking to SIL but wondered whether it would actually make things more likely to be awkward. Going over for lunch on Tuesday so might mention something then

Do you have a good relationship with your SIL? i am sure she will be more than happy to have someone on hand for baby-sitting duties, and and your nephew will think you are the best thing since sliced bread as you can indulge him and be his confidant when he grows up. I am sorry that you can't have children of your own - it must be difficult

I'm like cogito - only ever managed to have one (miscarried a lot) and am too old now. I still feel a bit of a horrible lurch whenever someone gets pregnant with a second or third, so I really really feel for you. It's very hard. I think you could just say to SIL exactly what you've said in your OP - that you are so very happy for her, but finding it heartbreaking for yourself. Any woman made of real decent stuff could not fail but to understand that.

You are a very brave woman because this is a very tough card that you have been dealt and you are dealing with it with uncommon grace. Wishing you all the very best.

Have you come across Gateway women? You might find it helpful to have a look there too, everyone is in the same position. I'm not sure how you can get past these feelings, they're huge and they come back at various stages, but I suppose you just have to keep talking about them, keep busy, play an active role as an aunt and sometimes have a good wallow and a sob.

I was in this position for about 6 years (did eventually have a DC) and I found it helped a lot to think of my nieces as interesting individuals, rather than as examples of something I couldn't have - does that make sense? Also I prioritised friends who had no DC and had no interest in having them/no likelihood of doing so, as it changes the focus from feeling like the odd one out all the time

My great Aunt never had children of her own instead she became a fully invested hands on Aunt to her nieces and nephews and than to her great DNI and DNE followed by great great DNI AND DNE. She was an amazing woman (she died 2 years ago aged 98). I am her great niece and I AM SO BLESSED to have had her as an Aunt I miss her so much but am so grateful that I was blessed to have her in my life. She had really good relationships with all of us and we all still talk about her and her stories and her special pressies. I could go on and on about her influence on my life and others. My point is don't let your loss of having your own children rob you of the blessing of being an Aunt.
I am also an Aunt and I love it. I think that I am quite good at it because I learnt from my Aunt that there is real value in that relationship and it should be treasured and nurtured. (plus you get all the fun stuff)

Thank you for the advice everyone, yes I have recently come across Gateway Women and have got the book too. I don't really have many friends, but my closest friend and sister are likely to remain childless so I'm not really the odd one out there. however, in DHs family we are the only ones who don't have kids so I very much feel like the odd one out.

I guess the consensus is to talk to SIL then. We get on pretty well, but not desperately close. But I know she was very sympathetic when I was initially facing a life without children so perhaps this is the best thing to do

I am 36 and like the OP I too am very, very unlikely due have children due to genetic reasons. Unlike the OP though I have never felt any strong urge or desire to have a baby. My husbands sister has also just had her first baby, a boy and while I am facinated by him and feel protective and concerned about him I am not feeling what you are at all.

I think about babies and my fertility a lot though, I think its just such a difficult thing for women because everything in society tells us that having babies is what we do and that we are not whole as people or that we will only really experiance real joy and love once we become mothers. There are other paths in life though, they may be different but just as fufilling in there own way so perhaps focus on that, what do you want for yourself outside of being a mother or caring for another? Do you want to travel, to be creative, start a business etc

If motherhood really is off the cards what else can you find that fufills you deeply? You can still be a great aunt and really enjoy that but there is so much more to being a woman than being a mother, I'm not knocking motherhood at all just saying its not the only option and for some women it isn't the most, valid or fufulling option.

I am so so sorry for that stupid spam. My younger sister got hold of my iPad.
Hope you're okay OP

I understand totally how difficult it is for you. I'm in a similar situation -struggling with infertility and SIL & BIL have just had their 2nd gorgeous little boy. We've never told them about our struggles as we don't really get on SIL and she just wouldn't understand.

It sounds like you're doing great when you're around the little one and it's only afterwards that you get upset. It will get easier with time I swear and seeing your nephew grow up will give you so much joy. Don't feel like you have to tell SIL if you don't feel comfortable, just play it by ear and do what feels best for you.

I think you're really brave by the way taking the decision to get involved from the start, despite knowing how hard it will be!

LB - your great aunt sounds like a true imspiration. I understand what a great relationship you can have with your neice/ nephew. I had an uncle, who I sadly lost 6 years ago, who was one of the most vslued people in my life. i loved him deeply and think of him frequently. He was one of the few people who took interest in me growing up, was a great influence and always made me feel valued and important. I love him, and would be proud to have that sort of influence on a child.

Coutard - I completely agree with you about there being so many different ways to feel fulfilled in life. I do believe that women can be fulfilled in ways other than being a mum, I just can't see how I can be one of them. I have not had any successes in life really. I work in a fairly mundane job (only part time too), don't really have friends or a social life, and not particularly good at anything. Would love to have my own business, but don't really have any skills to offer, likewise, travel is a real passion of mine, but not really an option past the occasional holiday. The only thing that makes me feel alive are my two dogs, which I originally got to try to deal with the childless situation, and have been my salvation. I don't even know what my interests are really as I have spent so much of my adult life looking after pthers, then later on, hoping and dreaming about being a mum. Sad I know, but part of me feels like my life is over already.

I think you sound like a lovely person. And you put yourself down far too harshly. You are only 36 and you seem to have given up on yourself.

For what ever reason you can't have children the only way to cope is to accept it and concentrate on a life that might not be the one you had envisaged but could be just as fulfilling. There are so many ways you could do this you just need to find out what that thing is that will fulfill you. There will be something, I'm sure of it.