Advice Please...

[PineconeMoonshine]

I would like some advice on my relationship with DP, we have been together 5 years now, lived together for 3.5 years and have a 2 year old DS. I work full time and she has taken a career break to be a SAHM and carer to DS who has had health problems (which has caused no end of stress), however fortunately things are looking up in that respect. I try to help out however I can during the evenings and weekends with both the childcare and household chores such as cleaning/cooking etc to ensure that she isn't doing everything.

Obviously as a result of the difficult 2 years we have endured our relationship has been put on the back burner to some extent and we have struggled to maintain the intimacy we once had. I try to show my affection to her on a regular basis (kisses, hugs, attempting to hold hands etc) however this is not always reciprocated which leaves me feeling rejected and often lonely. She as recently said that i'm not doing anything wrong but i'm not doing anything right either. Quite frankly I dont understand and I'm not entirely sure what is meant by that as I do put alot of hard work and effort into things at home and into doing nice things for DS and her. The only thing I can think of is sometimes she thinks I am in a bad mood about something which can cause us to fall out as I will deny there is anything wrong (usually there isn't) and she then thinks I am being dishonest. I can understand how this could appear unattractive and maybe make her not want to be affectionate towards me.

Basically what I want to know is what she means by this and things I can do to improve our relationship. I can't imagine my life without her or my son and I would do anything to improve things. I was planning to ask her to marry me later this year however I am also concerned that this might not be what she wants anymore (even though she still does mention 'our wedding') and I don't want to propose if things aren't right between us

Thanks in advance for any replies

Have you asked her what she wants you to do to "be right"?

"She as recently said that i'm not doing anything wrong but i'm not doing anything right either"

That's the kind of thing people say in a job appraisal when someone isn't taking enough initiative. If you're doing nothing wrong and nothing right you're basically doing 'nothing'... Your domestic efforts may be a little lacklustre or you're not showing enough emotional/practical creativity.

It could also be that she's fed up with things more generally. Being a SAHM can be mind-numbingly dull if someone's used to a career and maybe she's realising she made the wrong decision even if it was with the best intentions.

Finally, there's good old-fashioned 'relationship has run its course'. You may not be 'in the wrong' but perhaps she's realised you're 'the wrong guy' and doesn't want to say as much.

BTW.... the 'bad mood' thing. Few things are more frustrating or irritating than a partner turning up with a face like a wet weekend who, when asked 'what's wrong' says 'nothing'.

I suppose the 'Relationship has run its coure' is not what I want to hear but it could well be a possibility. She does still talk about the future for us so I don't really know how that figures into everything and I hope it isnt the case.

I like to think I do a good job when it comes to the domestic stuff and do more than my fair share of tasks however I can appreciate that maybe i could show some more creativity as you put it

Being asked constantly when there is nothing wrong is just as irritating imo especially when I dont have to do much to be accused as such. 'Face like a wet weekend' is a bit extreme

I retract 'wet weekend' but she either thinks you're in a bad mood because of your expression/body language or she's bored stiff and trying to provoke some kind of discussion... even if it's an argument.

Does she have an active social life? Get out and see other people? Keep up with her old work buddies or other friends? Do you go out together as a couple without DS? Have stimulating conversations about things other than domestic trivia?

She gets out on occasion but most of her friends live away from us so it can make things difficult but I always try to encourage her to get out with her friends whenever possible. We also get out around once a month as a couple or with friends but due to our current financial situation it can be difficult to get out more often. Generally we do always have stuff to talk about and we very rarely sit in silence, staring at the tv eating our dinner.
I would definitely agree that being a SAHM is a hard job and I am supportive of her taking up a hobby or seeing friends more regularily to break up the monotony of it all. I'll try and make this possible for her more often and see if that helps!

Thanks for the reply by the way, appreciate any input.

Not meaning to be cruel but if it's nothing to do with pulling your weight domestically, then I'd be thinking this is personal and it could be she doesn't actually want the future you envisage. Sorry, just tell her you need some honestly, don't go planning a wedding at the moment until you know what the actual problem is.