Advice Please....

[PineconeMoonshine]

I would like some advice on my relationship with DP, we have been together 5 years now, lived together for 3.5 years and have a 2 year old DS. I work full time and she has taken a career break to be a SAHM and carer to DS who has had health problems (which has caused no end of stress), however fortunately things are looking up in that respect. I try to help out however I can during the evenings and weekends with both the childcare and household chores such as cleaning/cooking etc to ensure that she isn't doing everything.

Obviously as a result of the difficult 2 years we have endured our relationship has been put on the back burner to some extent and we have struggled to maintain the intimacy we once had. I try to show my affection to her on a regular basis (kisses, hugs, attempting to hold hands etc) however this is not always reciprocated which leaves me feeling rejected and often lonely. She as recently said that i'm not doing anything wrong but i'm not doing anything right either. Quite frankly I dont understand and I'm not entirely sure what is meant by that as I do put alot of hard work and effort into things at home and into doing nice things for DS and her. The only thing I can think of is sometimes she thinks I am in a bad mood about something which can cause us to fall out as I will deny there is anything wrong (usually there isn't) and she then thinks I am being dishonest. I can understand how this could appear unattractive and maybe make her not want to be affectionate towards me.

Basically what I want to know is what she means by this and things I can do to improve our relationship. I can't imagine my life without her or my son and I would do anything to improve things. I was planning to ask her to marry me later this year however I am also concerned that this might not be what she wants anymore (even though she still does mention 'our wedding') and I don't want to propose if things aren't right between us

Thanks in advance for any replies

Her whole life has changed - her body, her body chemistry, her career - and she may subconsciously resent the fact that yours hasn't.

Attempts at physical intimacy can be misinterpreted as pressure to have sex. That can be very wearing if she doesn't have the same sex drive.

It's good that you muck in when you're not at work - would you say it's 50:50? Do you consider it "helping out" or "joining in" or "sharing"? Proportions and language matter here.

Just some ideas to think about.

Other thoughts... You're doing nothing wrong, but nothing right. At the risk of sounding woo and so on, have you looked into the five Love Languages? (Google)

When DH and I were struggling to reconnect after DC2, we worked out that he likes physical contact (not necessarily sexual) and I like "acts of service" - so he would express love by snuggling up, and because I didn't want full sex and didn't want to lead him on, I'd reject that contact completely. Meanwhile I'd express love by making one of his favourite dinners, and just wish that he'd put the suitcase back in the loft.

Now that we've explicitly identified what makes us tick, I can welcome or even offer snuggling up in bed (possibly with an explicit statement that I'm too tired for sex) and he can empty the dishwasher, and we understand each other.

Sounds like the flame has gone out of the relationship under the weight of all the stress. Relationships have to be worked at really hard to endure the ups and downs. It's probably been really tough for both of you to even think about your own needs and to find the energy to keep the relationship alive whilst you have had all the stress with your DS's health problems. Now that he seems to have turned a corner perhaps you could look after him some evenings so your DP can have a little time to herself to pursue hobbies or see friends and to get out of the house for a while a be a person in her own right again to enjoy her own bit of space. Can you get a babysitter so you could both go out together occasionally for a meal/watch a movie etc so you can try and build up some closeness again. Perhaps you could all have a nice day out together as a family where you can relax and laugh together and hopefully make you all feel really happy and you can forget about the stress just for a little while.

Thanks for the excellent replies, there are some amazing suggestions and i will definitely be looking in to trying some of these out to see if they can benefit us!

As for the housework, I see at as a shared responsibility rather than a woman's work and I often end up doing more of it to give my partner a break as I know being a SAHM is very demanding and having an evening to relax in the bath or by the tv is fully deserved after running round with a mad 2 year old all day! I've also never heard of the love languages before but I definitely think we might be different which could be part of the issue, in fact i think we could be similar to you and your husband!

Also as for watching DS in the evening to give her space to go out i always accomodate her whenever she wants to go out but it can be difficult sometimes as her friends live quite a distance away. We also try to get out together once a month if our finances allow it.

Thanks again for your helpful, practical replies i really appreciate it