Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Long Distance Marriages

9 replies

SueDnym · 15/05/2014 15:45

DH has been unemployed for a couple of months, and he's just had a potential job offer working abroad. He'd be away for 3/4 weeks at a time, then home for 1/2 weeks.

I'm not entirely happy about this, and can't exactly pinpoint why! The money would be good, it's not a fortune, but he'd have next to no living expenses, so we'd (finally) be able to start saving some money, and this is an excellent thing as we've had a lean few months with his last (temp) job being rather lower paid than his "proper" jobs IYSWIM.

He really wants to take this job. However, I'll miss him. And I know it will be tough. How do wives whose husbands work away manage their time? We don't have children, so I'll have hours and hours to fill when I'm not at work, and how will I get by at weekends?

What are the pros and cons of having a partner who is away a lot? Having the whole bed to myself, OBVS, and being able to watch whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want on the telly, but ... I didn't marry him to have him live on the other side of the planet!

Please share your experiences so I can make an informed decision, I don't want to tell him I don't want him to go because I'd be lonely, because that's selfish, and it's a hell of an opportunity for him.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/05/2014 15:48

Tbh for me, it would have to be a temporary thing, I don't think this amount of distance between a couple is a good thing, long term.

Isn't it awful in Britain today that we have to bloody go to other countries just to make a decent living.

GreatAuntDinah · 15/05/2014 15:50

In my experience it's the high road to affairs and splitsville. I'd never do it again.

Onesleeptillwembley · 15/05/2014 15:56

Actually I'd say the opposite to the above poster. It makes you appreciate the time you spend together. It does depend how your partnership is generally, though.
As for coping? Friend base, new hobby, you just get used to it and get with it.

Onesleeptillwembley · 15/05/2014 15:58

And get ON with it.
Getting with it sounds like a completely different thing.

Jan45 · 15/05/2014 16:15

I had a relationship in the past for 13 years with a man who worked offshore, at first it was great and yes absence did make us miss each other and treasure our time together, 2 years later we were living separate lives and I was dreading him coming back.

What I mean is, you have to be a pretty remarkable couple to keep it going for years and years without their being some kind of pay back.

Original poster

SueDnym · 15/05/2014 17:03

Yes, it's this that worries me. We have a very good relationship, been together 10 years or so, and we were in different cities for the first five, but only a relatively short train journey apart, so this is a different order of magnitude.

I think it would only be for a year, initially, then there would be some thinking to do. Currently I'm the major earner, because of my profession, and I fear getting used to him not being here.

OP posts:

KathrynJaneway · 15/05/2014 17:14

My sister and her hubby did this for about 3years. He had his apartment there. Ok he was only away for the week, home at weekends. My sister really found it tough, she would be used to him travelling a lot for business but this was different. They were never able to adapt and eventually he got a job in the same field closer to home, took awhile as it's hard to find work in that area.
Lots of people my sister works with live away from home and travel back at weekends, seems to be normal in her company.

Jan45 · 15/05/2014 17:20

I don't know the distance you are talking about but could you go for visits to break up the long weeks?

We had a really good relationship too, I think the working away ruined it tbh.

A year doesn't sound too bad.

PositiveAttitude · 15/05/2014 17:24

DH is working away for a long period at the moment. We have done it a few times through our 26 years of marriage. It works for us, especially these days with Facebook and skype. We set aside some time each day to chat via internet and probably talk more than most of our friends who live in the same house. It is not easy and when things go wrong around the house I do feel useless if I need to call on friends. And being ill is rubbish when you are alone! But I just get on with it. I enjoy our conversations each day and I am counting the days until her returns.
I would say we have a strong marriage and we have had some difficult times, but come through them together.
Although I do enjoy my own space and time I am also very excited about his return like a teenager waiting for a first date

Flip