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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It's all about her!

12 replies

Skivvysue · 15/05/2014 07:24

I'm putting on my flame retardant suit for this but just wanted another opinion. I have a friend who I have known for over 20 yrs. we see or speak to each other every day. The problem is every conversation is based on her. On her life. On her likes or dislikes. If I am talking about something not related to her she just talks over me and changes the subject. She starts every phone call or conversation with hi how are you? Then if I actually answer she ignores me and starts talking about her latest experience etc. I could literally say "oh my head is hanging off" and she will ignore it. I have stopped answering. Now I just say oh I'm fine.
I haven't met with her for a few days now because I'm tired and don't have the energy to listen to her any more. She has no other friends now from what I can see. Lots of acquaintances but no friends as such.
I do love her she's my oldest pal I'm just not sure how to fix this. Any ideas.

OP posts:
nomorequotes · 15/05/2014 07:26

I had a friend like this, I was unable to talk to her about anything without her pulling everything back to herself. She was monumentally selfish in other ways too, the relationship didn't last.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/05/2014 07:33

You cannot fix this and such people do not change. You've known this woman for 20 years; her fundamental nature has not changed at all during this time has it?.

Why are you friends with such an emotional vampire at all?. You feel sorry for her on some level?. What is in this friendship which is all in her power for you?.

I can see the attraction for her; she sees you as basically her emotional dumping ground. All such people do is take, take and take some more. Its okay to completely back off and say now that you've had enough.

Also such self absorbed people anyway (read up on narcissistic personality disorder and see if any of that fits as well with your own knowledge of her) are bloody hard work; friendships should not be this difficult. This is no friendship at all; you're being used.

Skivvysue · 15/05/2014 07:36

I think sadly it's heading that way. My mother knows this girl well and says she's always been like this. I think the incident which opened my eyes was her sister was pregnant naturally after an IVF baby and many years of heartache trying to conceive. Everyone was delighted for her. Not this friend. She started complaining of a feeling I'll around the time the baby was born and refused to help her sister due to this mystery illness. I was cross at her for this. Since this I have noticed her selfishness more.

OP posts:
shitatusernames · 15/05/2014 12:47

I think we all know someone like this, me and my cousin know this woman who will randomly contact us telling us what she's doing, what she's doing next etc, but has now gone in a mood as my cousin can't go out with her as she has other things planned, if she does ever ask us how we are the topic of conversation very quickly moves back onto her. The only time she actually really wants to know us is if we've got something going on, but only so she can then say to others "oh I was there and helped them through". A very wide berth from her now as it's far too draining.

magoria · 15/05/2014 13:19

I have a friend of 15 - 20 years like this.

She has been through some shit times (haven't we all) and is now but I don't have it in me to listen either.

Then I feel like a bad person despite her turning every conversation to her.

Skivvysue · 16/05/2014 13:06

Magoria. That's it! This person has had a terrible time about 2 yrs ago and we all rallied round her at that time. The pro is she began to feed off the attention and became almost demanding from that!

OP posts:
Hedgehead · 16/05/2014 14:25

These types of people are narcissists. They don't change.

Fontella · 16/05/2014 15:12

Right, hands up, being totally honest now, I was that friend.

Not literally of course, but yes, I used to be like this. In fact when I was going through the break up with the fat bastard ex, I was terrible, going on and on about it before, during and after ... and not really letting anyone else getting a word in edgewise or (to my eternal shame) it not even occurring to me that they might have news or problems of their own. Blush

What 'cured' me was when not one - but two, yes two of my dearest friends both fell asleep on the phone when I was rambling on!!! Separate phone conversations, they lived in separate parts of the country and didn't know each other, and the conversations were a couple of weeks apart.

I'm going on ten to the dozen, and suddenly in between drawing breath to launch into another diatribe about myself and all my woes ... I vaguely notice that my dear friend on the other end hasn't said anything for the last several minutes. Not even a 'yes' or 'oh that's terrible' a 'poor you' or even a 'mmm' or anything in the way of response. Then I realise there is some very gentle snore type breathing coming down the phone at regular intervals. Confused

I call her name, no response, call again .. nothing, shout her name down the phone and eventually she wakes up!!

The first time it happened ... I sort of laughed it off and my lovely friend was mortified and apologised profusely (although she had no reason to - I was that self-obsessed at the time I would have put a glass eye to sleep). But when it happened with a completely different friend a couple of weeks later, and once again I realised I was effectively talking to myself as my (male) friend snored away on the other end of the phone, it finally hit home how boring all this crap about me was to other people.

I'd put them both to sleep! And no, they weren't faking it - they had both genuinely nodded off I was that fucking boring.

I also came to realise that as kind and sympathetic as people can be - family, friends, acquaintances - people generally don't want to be around someone who is always talking about themselves and their troubles. There is a limit to how much people can take. I have a couple of narc nieces who drive me insane because they both think the universe revolves around them, and I can see now, I was in danger of going that way myself.

It was the kick up the arse I needed, and now I always make a point of asking and listening before I start talking about myself, and taking a genuine interest in what is happening in other people's lives. I also try and keep my problems and worries to myself for the most part and be more upbeat around people. If I've got the miseries for whatever reason I tend to just go into hibernation for a bit instead.

fessmess · 16/05/2014 15:30

I ditched a friend of a 2-3 years because this was how she behaved. Always moaning about other people not being there for her. She used to come for coffee(always invited herself to mine)and then sat there for 2 hours talking about herself. She popped up on fb the other day with a status along the lines of...Nice to know you're in people's thoughts. I've never unfriended someone so fast that wast the point I didn't even want her as a fb friend!!

Skivvysue · 16/05/2014 15:46

Well this person is really testing my friendship now. Recently someone is going thru the same thing she went thru 2 yrs ago and obviously it's all over face book as pple are rallying round. She keeps saying "I'm sick of hearing about xxxx. You'd think that had never happened to anyone before! " she's being massive horrible about that person and again twisting it into something about her. I'm supposed to be going away with her in January to something I booked but she hasn't paid for yet. If I just avoid her I may go and take someone else. Does that make me as bad as her.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 16/05/2014 17:00

My sister is like this. I won't fall out with her, I just focus on her good traits and keep my distance for a whole when it gets too much

RosegoldRuby · 16/05/2014 17:11

My sister is just like this too. Every conversation was about her, she needed endless praise and affirmation. It was bloody exhausting.
I supported her through lone parenthood, a breakdown and other things.
Yet when I really needed help, absolutely zero from her. In fact she almost flaunted her lack of support - I could post an example or two, but it would make this too long.
I think she prob has some kind of personality disorder. I'm not going to attempt to diagnose her, but I keep well clear and have warned my children to as well.
It took me nearly fifty years of her appalling, selfish, manipulative behaviour before I fully recognised it. Slow learner.
We are estranged now, her choice. Once she realised I saw who she really was, she vanished from my life. Thank god.
Some people are best kept away from.

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