Big old mess...

[snowyangel88]

Ok, I need to get this out somewhere and get some outsiders perspectives, I'm sorry if I throw in a bit tmi!

I'm now 34 weeks and I don't know who my little man's father is going to turn out to be.

Potential dad #1 - I was introduced by a friend of a friend, met a few times, slept together twice in one night, one night only, no contraception. Since finding out I was pregnant, I have also found out he has a wife he kept secret and after that came out, he also then announced he could not be the father as he could not have children.

Potential dad #2- on going friend with benefits that I had know and be sleeping with on a semi regular basis for almost five years. Neither of us have ever particularly wanted commitment from each other before. Slept with him 3 days after the above. He didn't "y'know" and took the condom off half way through.

I was honest and told both exactly the situation, I haven't spoken to or contacted #1 since 11 weeks. #2 got in touch around 25 weeks, and as a result since the, and really it was what he pushed for, we have been dating. His family don't approve or support this at all, and neither do any of his friends really.

I genuinely care about #2, regardless of the baby, and wish I'd opened my eyes a long time ago.

Now we are waiting for baby to be born, so that we can have the DNA test done. Now #2, who is now I suppose my boyfriend, has said he wants to try and make it work even if baby isn't his, he just doesn't know how he's going to feel after the birth. In the meantime, everytime baby gets mentioned he freezes up. He doesn't really like touching my bump, he has to be prompted to acknowledge the fact I'm pregnant at all at times. The only thing that he does want to do is the parenting course, just in case. I feel like most the Time we are just pretending I'm not pregnant, but obviously as my own fears, insecurities and worry are creeping in, the rows are starting, plus a dose of good old pregnancy hormones. I have mentioned how I feel to him, but he just told me I was being selfish expecting him to get too attached to a baby that might not be his. But if I mention that he might not be his, I'm also being selfish and pushing him out, making him feel like he has no place.

Can anyone give me some perspective here? I'm starting to loose it a bit and just could really do with some support or guidance.

Well if he wants to make a go of it whether the baby is his or not, why can't he do the parenting course and get involved?

This doesn't make sense if he 'doesn't want to get too attached to a baby that might not be his'.

This is my issue.

If he genuinely thought when little man arrives he is going to be able to stick around if he's not his, then surely he would be better beginning to bond with the baby a little more now. He'll happily talk about the baby in a far off 'one day' kind of way, but doesn't seem to deal very well with the reality that I am due in just over five weeks. I don't know if it's the pressure of the situation, a fear of commitment or a niggling part of me is just thinking he's just trying to do the right thing so that if baby is his, he's in a better place for the future.

In my opinion, the stress of this relationship and the unknown is too much for now. I think it's a lot of stress on you, and a lot of pressure on him.

I would suggest ending this relationship until after the DNA test has come through. Then he enters the situation with full knowledge and can't use it against you. Nothing wrong with being friends and him being supportive of you in the meantime.

To me it reads like he's being a little emotionally abusive. Wants to talk about it on his terms and not yours. Forcing a relationship... that's a lot of pressure on a baby.

Lots of dads, even those with no doubts about their paternity, and in fully-committed relationships, are less than totally connected with their unborn young; they don't experience pregnancy the way we do, but may well bond once the child is born, so I wouldn't be writing off your bf just yet, esp as he's willing to do a parenting course.

It's a difficult situation for both of you, he's full of doubt (as are you) and you're full of pregnancy hormones. The fact he's still around bodes well for the future, imho, if you can give him a bit of space and understanding. (And I know it's not easy to do that atm.)

So what if he is "trying to do the right thing", surely that's better than just fucking off, denying all responsibility?

Firstly, do re-think your policy on unprotected sex. You're taking risks with your health and that's silly.

In your position I'd be keeping clear of both blokes until the DNA is checked. There will be time after that for either or both of them, after the facts are made clear.

Good luck with your pregnancy and whatever lies ahead.

its difficult to say, he could be telling himself that he is the father, convincing himself but if the paternity test shows he is not he might find it very difficult. There were a few high profile cares (Sly Stallone) where similer happened. However you two seem to have real feelings for each other so I would give it my best shot with him. Once the baby is born that should soften the hearts of those who don't accept you.

Well, it sounds like he's saying in theory he's up for giving things a go, even if the baby's not his, but he doesn't want to make any promises, as he doesn't know how he'll feel in the actual event of the baby not being his, iyswim? What he's hoping for is that he doesn't actually have to face that scenario I suppose.

It's kind of understandable, but it's not good for you. You need support right now. When I was pregnant with my daughter, her father was very unhappy about the pregnancy, and he would never talk about it or acknowledge it with me. It was horrible. (We have since split up, but he adores his daughter, funnily enough!)

Focus on what you need. Don't pin your hopes on this relationship. It may or may not work out. You need to be thinking about how you're going to be there for your child whatever the outcome. Best of luck.

Good luck, hope everything works out. But I agree with a previous poster, you do need to take better care of your sexual health.

In spite of knowing that his family and friends are so negative about this, (do they think you trapped him?) up until now he has 'stood by you' but as your due date approaches it's becoming more real.

Now if you worry he was just using your vulnerability to become your partner and make himself indispensable to coerce you into a relationship you don't really want, it would seem sensible to call in other support now, tell him you both need some space and see what the DNA tests show before planning too far ahead.

Plenty of expectant fathers are panicky or apprehensive before the baby arrives so it doesn't necessarily mean he is going to dodge any involvement later. Has he attended scans, are you hoping he'll be your birth partner? Hopefully your mw will be able to provide support, you won't be the first woman in her care to be in this situation.

He's terrified. A baby is always pretty scary, especially unplanned ones. I think he's doing pretty well actually. Keep it low key and gentle. Try to get him to come to appointments with you. Research shows that this promotes bonding between man and baby. Doing the classes is a great sign.

Imagine you were afraid someone would remove your baby at birth...you'd be afraid to get too attached, too.

I've a feeling he could stick around but putting him under more pressure won't help. Understand his emotions and he might.

Good luck.

Ps I'm a midwife and seen it all. It can work out fine.

Basically, he did that classic "hero" thing and said something too quick too soon without the realisation of what it entails and those niggling questions of "what if".

Why don't you do him a favour and just "be" friends ? Because it is also not fair on you to always kind of wondering too and have to watch out for his behaviour and so forth. I would keep him at arms length and not let yourself be too washed up with his ideals.

'doesn't want to get too attached to a baby that might not be his'.

That line, that is a Freudian slip line... which reflects his true feelings. I think the more he is spending time with you, the reality is starting to sink in I think. I would not place trust on him at the moment to be honest. Just take it easy, and build up a good support network, and not focus on too much on the relationship aspect for now.

Have you posted before OP? Do you have a toddler?

Thank you so much for everyone's advice and comments. I really do appreciate all of them.

As for the birth itself, I am planning to have my best friend there to support me as my birthing partner. I have left the decision entirely up to him, and if he chooses to when the time comes, I will obviously welcome him to be there too.

I do have genuine feelings for him, before all of this we have been a part of eachothers lives for a long time. The last thing I want to happen is to lose him entirely from my life.

I know the best thing I could have done was to leave it alone until baby comes and we know for definite, but then I would have always been wondering if we were only together for the sake of the baby, or one of us would end up feeling like I had trapped him into staying.

I want to protect him, myself and most importantly my little boy from getting anymore hurt from this situation, I just can't decide what to do for the best.

In the meantime I think I am just going to try to be as understanding and flexible with his feelings as I can muster. The comment about how would I feel if I got attached, then someone took him off me has really struck home. Right now he has even less stability in this situation than I do, and maybe I am just expecting a little bit too much from him.

Oh and no, I haven't posted before, this is baby number 1.

That's an incredibly strong, sensible approach to take, snowyangel. However this turns out, you're going to be a brilliant mum. Congratulations and good luck.