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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DSM doesn't want to know me any more

5 replies

littlebitmiffed · 14/05/2014 20:44

Was very close to her when growing up and into adulthood. She split from my DF years ago but we remained close. She never had children of her own, but always wanted them and has never come to terms with it. I was 'the daughter she never had'.

However this all changed when I started my own family. When I told her I was pregnant the first thing she said was 'I don't like being around pregnant women'. I have been as understanding as I can as I get how heartbreaking it must be for her. I have seen her once since DS was born as I thought it might make things easier for her if we broke the ice and she met him. But the only contact now is cards/presents at birthdays and Christmas (for DS as well as me) but DSM posts them even though we live in the same town!

Initially I tried to suggest meeting up several times but she always said she wasn't ready. I don't think she'll ever be ready. It's been two years. I've sort of given up now as my priority is now my DS. But I think it's such a shame that DSM is denying herself the chance to be close to this lovely little boy as he grows up. Also wondering what the future will bring when I eventually have to explain to DS who this lady is who sends him cards and presents (if it continues), and why she doesn't want to see him!

Just wondering if any of you think this situation will ever improve? I fear not.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/05/2014 20:56

Suggest meeting up with her on your own.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 14/05/2014 20:57

That's very sad.

I assume you've tried appealing to her by telling her that you consider her a mother figure to you and thus a grandmother to your DS? No, she didn't get to be a mum, but as far as you are concerned she IS a granny and you want her involved? FWIW I had a step grandparent... and now that all of them have passed away, it's actually the step grandparent that I get the most frequent and biggest pangs of sadness and longing for.

Poor you and poor her. Not sure what else to suggest tbh.

Cabrinha · 14/05/2014 22:40

Sorry to say this, but I don't think you've been as understanding as you can be at all!
You know she has an issue around children - which though it would be better if she could cope with it, is understandable.
And what do you think? That it would break the ice if she had your baby paraded around her!!

Come on - yes, the child is your top priority, but not the only one, surely?
Leave the child with his father and go see your SM, and lay off the baby chat until your relationship is repaired from the distance that has developed.

littlebitmiffed · 14/05/2014 23:05

It didn't feel like I was parading him, I just so desperately wanted her to meet him and vice versa. Afterwards she texted to say it was nice to meet him. I thought that maybe things would be easier as he would be real to her rather than something of her imagination. Perhaps I got it wrong.

I think you're all probably right to suggest we meet up just the two of us. I haven't had a proper heart to heart with her as it's been hard to feel close to her for a long time.

OP posts:
BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 14/05/2014 23:10

Oh I probably misread - I thought you meant you'd suggested meeting up with her many times as in just you and her for coffee and she had refused. But if you meant always with your DS then that makes more sense!! Yes, a breaking the ice meetup should definitely be just you and her.

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