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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So why is this scary?! <Very Long>

8 replies

ChocolateTeacup · 14/05/2014 18:37

Hi - This is Very Long

I split from my ex a couple of years ago now and I had 2 ds's (aged 6&7) with him, through his emotional and financial abuse I sought solace in the computer game World of Warcraft, it was another life, a way of escaping from him. In this game I met (after the relationship had ended and I had moved out) my OH we met in game in October 2012 and our friendship blossomed before meeting in real life in March last year.

Our relationship since then has been long distance, he lives approximately 100 miles from me, I am not in a position to move to him as it would disrupt the boys. He is very close to his family and I love this. He helps extensively in his mums business, and also him and his brother fix up bikes and sell them.

He treats me wonderfully, he cares about and loves me and is the polar opposite of my ex, with him I feel loved and cherished, but still feel the need to put my armor up and step back now and again, but if I go for more than a week without seeing him in real life I get a bit blue, we still play World of Warcraft together, and he has given me so much confidence to pursue my interests and supports me in anything. He gets on well with my boys and they adore him.

His home life is a bit strange, since he split with the ex wife (before we got together) he has lived with his mum, they have got a narrow boat with the idea of selling it but it looks like more it is going to be kept for his mum to move into, his brother is moving into the mum's house this weekend.

His brothers wife is pregnant, which I am really pleased about they are both lovely, and we had a discussion today about what his thoughts were about children, he is on the same page as me, that at the moment it is not feasible due to jobs and stability but we would both like to in the future, this is following my coil falling out at the beginning of April, he was round, I went and got the MaP and then the Injection until I could get a new coil fitted yesterday, but there was a very small chance I could have been pregnant, so the discussion came up. In my head if I had of been I would have embraced it but not forced him to do anything. I am 28 more than old enough and independent and stubborn enough to cope whatever happened!

So today I took him back to his house still feeling delicate from coil fitting, as his vehicle is out of action, the discussion above was had in the car, and we were discussing what his plans in general were, he was saying that he wanted a job and could either look in my area or where the boat will be moored.

That kind of shocked me, we had discussed moving in a while ago but I backed off majorly as I wasn't ready to have him in my space, today he was saying that if we did he would still spend a good chunk of time with his family which was a relief in a way as I do need my own space!

So we got to his mums house and he said to his mum that he wanted to discuss the boat and plans with her and she looked at him and me and apparently thought I was pregnant! But was explained I had the coil fitted etc. But I have had a text saying Mum thinks I should move in with you after I move the boat....

I just replied with I hope she knows I am not pregnant :P

But I am scared that it might happen, how do you get the courage to allow someone else to be a part of your life after you have been so burned before? It could suddenly be real, within about a month....

Any advice?

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 14/05/2014 19:13

I think "why is this scary?" is your gut talking to you. If you are not ready to cohabitate then you are not...And that is valid whether or not you can figure out exactly why. His circumstances are his problem and, imho, you should not let his needs trump yours.

ChocolateTeacup · 14/05/2014 19:54

I want to but I don't know if it is right, his needs are a moot point, he can either move in here or on the boat

OP posts:
lovemenot · 14/05/2014 20:14

This should be a decision made by the two of you together and not by his mother!

And prior to that decision should be conversations about your children, finances etc, and making sure you are on the same page in relation to all this. How does he feel about your children, how well does he know your children, what do your children think of him?

IMO, if your gut is objecting, then the timing is off. Perhaps he could move to a flat nearby? Given that most of your relationship was long distance, this would be an ideal way to the next step in your relationship.

ChocolateTeacup · 14/05/2014 20:21

I agree with that lovemenot, we have had discussions about the children and finances, but to me it is a huge step! He knows my children quite well, and my two boys love him (tears when he goes)

OP posts:
UncrushedParsley · 14/05/2014 20:27

Just cos his mum suggested it, doesn't mean you have to do it Grin. I would second the idea of a flat near you. Caution is quite reasonable. I have been seeing DP for a year, generally 3/4 times per week, and I wouldn't be ready for him to move in!

ChocolateTeacup · 14/05/2014 22:28

Thank you all!

OP posts:
Kormachameleon · 14/05/2014 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocolateTeacup · 14/05/2014 23:16

At the moment he stays over every other weekend, and I stay with him the other weekend usually, unless I am busy, contraception was only mentioned to his mum as she thought I was pregnant (I'm not just delicate from coil insertion)

No I don't think I am totally ready and him moving closer would be a good compromise.

Thanks

OP posts:
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