Brother taking advantage of parents

[BeckiF]

Hi all - I've just come home from surprising my mum with a visit on mothers day, and i was utterley appalled with what I found at home. I'm desperate for input and opinions please.

My brother (40 this year) still lives at home and is in the armed forces. He is my mums son. ( I have 2 half brothers, one is my mums one is my dads!) He lives at home rent free, sometimes buying some groceries. He does NOTHING in the house and the way he talks to my parents has to be heard to be believed. On Sunday I heard him say to mum (who wears a hearing aid and is therfore hard of hearing), 'Are you Fuc*ing STUPID?'.

Mum lets him do whatever he wants, and if anyone (including my dad) interjects she completely blanks them. It is an unnatural relationship to say the least, it is almost uncomfortable to see them together. Ther are almost like a married couple.

My question is should he pay rent and how much? How can I make my mum see just what an arse he is being when she won't talk about it? And he won't listen to me either, he just shuts himself in his room!

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My brothers (29 and 23) both still live at home with my dad. They both work full time and pay my dad about 50 a week.
My youngest brother does take advantage slightly, as he will borrow money off my dad knowing that my dad will forget.
They have a great relationship with my dad though (as do i) and are always having a laugh with him.

IMO he should definatly be paying rent and helping around the house. He's not a child, and shouldn't be acting like one. Your mom is probably just used to it by now and maybe feels that it's better to leave things as they are rather than cause trouble.
I would try and speak to your brother again though. He should be ashamed of himself IMHO (sorry if that offends).

Thanks for that Twiglett. It's a bit more involved. For instance he is wanting to take over the mortgage on their house which is now worth 3 1/2 times more than the mortgage. Dad was infuritated that my mum thought it was a good idea. It's quite hard to put across just what an arse he is, the abuse he levies at both of them, the language, the laziness, the taking advantage. And him at 40! I'm 33 and live up north, have made something of myself and they are very proud of me. I just don't understand why Mum lets this 40 year old bloke treat her like a piece of poo and worse, takes his side over that of her husband, my dad!

I'm not going to sit back anymore and let my brother abuse my parents.

Nutcracker - no-one could say anything that would offend me at the moment about him! I'm embarassed to call him my brother just now, it's certainly NOT how we were brought up!

NO, NO, NO on the mortgage - that will give him rights over the equity in the house.

Even with the payment of rent and bills you need to be careful. In certain circumstnces the payment of rent etc.. can be construed as giving your brother rights. This would be dependent on the financial position of the parents, whether or not they could afford their lifestyle without the contribution of your brother. Dependent on circumstances.

At least if he pays nothing he has no rights to stay there or any right over the house other than through a will or intestacy.

Agree wiht Kaz about the mortgage. But I don't see why your brother shouldn't be paying board. Personally I have never lived with my parents while earning money but DH and SIL used to pay board to their parents. Also have colleagues who are single men living with parents and they pay board. Would call it board rather than rent, as in a contribution towards the housekeeping rather than a realistic cost that they would get from a lodger.

But its about more than just this, isn't it? Its about your brother's lack of respect and consideration for your parents. And don't know where to really go on this one. Hope you get some good advice.

Agree with Kaz... But how can he "take over" the mortgage? Is the idea that your parents would actually sell him the house for the value of the mortgage? If so, Inland REvenue will spot it as a ruse to avoid inheritance tax, leading to huge penalties. Plus, you would have no right to the equity in the house, meaning you could be effectively disinherited, which isn't fair on you or the other brother. It would be "unfair" to your brother living at home to have to choose between lots of money and being fair to his siblings. And anyway, if he tried to just give you & your other brother a fair share of the value of the house after they died, that would be taxable, too. Hopefully you could talk your mum out of the mortgage idea, at least, on these pitfall points alone. Unless the plan is he buys the house at a fair market rate, giving your parents some money to live on and maybe buying you siblings' share out, too? That might work, but you'd need to get financial advice.

I don't think you can do much else about the situation, though, free rent and all that. It's up to your mum to let herself be used if she wants to. My mum was a bit like that with my brothers, too, I know it's hard to watch...DH's brother has borrowed a lot of money off of DH's parents that looks like he'll never repay; somehow DH can just shrug and says "It's their money to spend as they like".

If your mother wants to allow him to behave like this and blanks out any interference then there's not a lot you can do, really, is there? It would infuriate me!

Agree completely about not letting him take over the mortgage - is it in both parents' names at the moment? So your dad could stop your mother letting him do it? Of course he should pay his way but if he's not your dad's son (have I got that right?) and your mum won't make him pay then again you can't do anything.

He isn't my dads son but dad adopted him back when he was 14 I think. We've always lived together as a family unit anyway, so my brother has known my dad as his since he was about 5 or 6 I think.

I think the 'board' thing is better than rent. I'm sure you can all understand my turmoil at seeing my beloved mum happily letting this 'man' treat her like a 2nd class skivvy, especially as she works full time too! It's hard on dad as he had to give up work a few years back because of ill health so he sees the whole home life thing 100% of the time now. Years ago he wouldn't of seen it all.

I so hate abuse of any kind and this really is tantamount to what I see the Americans call 'Elder Abuse'. He is mentally abusing them in my opinion, constantly putting them dowm belittling them etc.

Yes, he is abusing them, and I would hate it too, but what can you actually do? Have you discussed it with your dad? Maybe the 2 of you could talk to your mum about it together, when your brother isn't there?

How old are your parents then Becki? I assumed that they were older than it seems but in that case they probably wouldn't have a mortgage so I was obviously wrong.

They are in their early 60's ... the mortgage will be due to complete in a few years, but with Dad not working, well you can understand what I am saying.

My dad is sick of it too. Even talked of walking out and putting it in the hands of a solicitor, isn't that awful. Sitting down with my mum wouldn't work, she's in denial and just takes it as a personal attack if we sare bring up the subject. I don't see as she should take the wrath for my pig headed brothers attitude and lack of manners.

You don't want to take sides, though, whatever you do. Even though from the sound of it we all agree with your view of the situation & wouldn't blame your dad for leaving.