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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my mum did it all for me

21 replies

diditall · 14/05/2014 16:43

that's true. my mum was always there for me.

she loved me unconditionally, even when I was a total shitbag from thirteen years old.

I suffered with manic depression for many years, she was always there for me, even the suicidal times of which there were many.

I never considered the heavy emotional strain she must have suffered for so many years.
i'm now 46 years old, and am in nc with her.
I took everything out on her, blaming everyone and everything on her.

it was her fault my father was a useless indifferent piece of shit ( I am nc with him too)

I actually introduced mum to her new husband, -20 years ago-who was also caring/supportive/kind/ helpful in every way.
yet I became a nasty/ jealous/rude/offensive piece of work towards him too.

I am nc with my ds/db/aunt and cousins.

I have reinvented myself to strangers as this lovely person, yet underneath I know I have lost everything I once loved.

I have been nc with my mum for three years now.

why?

my cat died, and the shock of it sent me into a spiral of depression.

(the previous day we had spent together, shopping, her husband had driven her to meet up with me as I live in Essex and they are in kent.
I kissed her when she left, saying I would ring her the next day.

I emailed my mum, abusing her, saying she was never there for me, and her husband is a total fucking bastard, and much more abuse.

mum rang me/wrote/emailed me but I refused to acknowledge her communication at all.
I told her that when I see her it reminds me of the past shit, but I know I had a lovely childhood and was deeply loved.

the straw that broke the camels back.
just nc.
I have my friends, but I have destroyed my family with my abhorrent and abusive attitude and years of offensive behaviour.

basically they don't want to know me now, and I am feeling so alone.
even my dearest aunt and cousin I "blamed" them for a perceived slight, and basically told them to fuck off.
in return they said "their door is always open to me"
dunno what to do, no one will ever trust me again, I have done this nc so many times to my mum, sometimes refusing to speak to her for 2/3/5 years sometimes just months.

why am I such a shit

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 14/05/2014 16:46

Has she told you she doesn't want contact with you? Why don't you write to her saying what you have here?

MaidOfStars · 14/05/2014 16:47

Write this for her.

QueenofallIsee · 14/05/2014 16:47

Well did, at least you can now see that you were a shit. Do you think that you might benefit from some professional help? Perhaps you are undiagnosed bipolar or have some anxiety issues?

Send your Mum a letter/email. Tell her that you know you have been awful and that you don't know why. Tell her that you will be trying to get some help and hope to win her trust back.

Stop beating yourself up and take some positive action

IWillIfHeWill · 14/05/2014 17:08

You are like this because of the illness. It makes you self-centred and pretty horrible at times, like my mum and probably like me. Get medical help, start with the gp. Print out what you have written and post it to your mum and stepdad with a card saying that you realise how you've been and you are now going to take steps to deal with it.
Good luck.

IWillIfHeWill · 14/05/2014 17:09

Or maybe not! The above is not a diagnosis!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/05/2014 17:10

You made this so you can fix it. You absolutely can. A mother who loves you unconditionally all through what you have described still loves you very much. Of course she does.

Melonbreath · 14/05/2014 17:49

Write to her and apologise.

Original poster

diditall · 14/05/2014 17:57

thank you for the replies.

the thing is, I have abused mum so many times in the past, that I know she would never trust me again not to repeat my awful behaviour.

previously she has been afraid that I would go nc again,which I have done, that it's a bit like crying wolf I think.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/05/2014 18:34

"Even my dearest aunt and cousin I "blamed" them for a perceived slight, and basically told them to fuck off. In return they said "their door is always open to me""

Angel, do you honestly and truly believe that this message came back from your aunt and cousin? They may have written the actual letters but I am absolutely certain that they were your mother's words.

What's broken can be fixed if you want it to be.

Matildathecat · 14/05/2014 18:43

Trust has to be earned. Write to her very simply and apologise. Then take it very slowly. Learn your tipping points. Print this thread out and next time you feel a tantrum coming on, for gods sake read it and remember there are a lot of people who'd love to have a mum. Take care of her and take care of yourself.

I hope you've had treatment for your illness. When you say you had manic depression do you mean it's now well controlled or do you believe yourself cured? As far as I'm aware it's a treatable condition but not curable.

Lanabelle · 14/05/2014 18:51

mothers love is unconditional, she will forgive but may not forget, start by writing an apology and take little steps, meet her in a café or someplace that is neutral territory for both of you

LEMmingaround · 14/05/2014 18:57

You are not shit - you will have had your reasons (right or wrong) for what you have done.

Have you had any counselling at all? Would you consider this? maybe before you contact your mum? Maybe if you yourself understand why you behaved as you did you would be better placed to make ammends with your mum.

You know, it might have been that things were crap for you as a child and its ok to say that, but it is also ok to forgive. She is your mum and i am sure she loves you and thinks about you every day. Of course this doesn't mean it will be easy to just pick things up, which is why i think counselling may help rather than jumping back in with both feet and causing yourself more upset.

But remember, you are not shit.

Original poster

diditall · 14/05/2014 19:43

no, I actually confronted my aunt and cousin, and berated them, they were totally innocent of anything, which I can see now, they are so sweet and loving.

at the time, I was nc with my mum, who is close to my aunt and cousin, and they told her about it. they were mortified, but then realised how it felt to mum all the times I did it to her.

it seems that one by one I have gone nc with everyone in my family.
I had counselling for years, but unless I was honest with them, they only understood what crap I told them.

my mum actually brought me a lovely house, and even paid for a business that I wanted, but then depression hit me again, and I left it to my mum to run, she was so supportive all my life, that,
sorry but I am a shit.
I know you can't turn back time, but moving forward is so hard.
I am a selfish controller,
I guess, I will just have to see what happens around that proverbial corner.
my mum has tried to contact me over the last year or so, I just tear her cards up and put them in the bin.
oh what a destructive force I am.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 14/05/2014 19:47

What type of counselling have you had?

Do you take medication to control your manic depression?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/05/2014 19:53

Why are you being so hard on yourself? If you want a relationship with your mother all you need to do is pick up the phone or put pen to paper. You say you have been a shit but your mother is still trying to keep in contact. So, you might have been a shit but not such a complete shit that she's decided to go NC. You can't turn back time but you can change the future to something different to what the present currently is. But only if you want to. How old is your mother, 70? Think on, you have a limited amount of time left to make your peace with her if that's what you want.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 14/05/2014 19:56

Do you drink?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 14/05/2014 20:03

Could there be any reason at all that you are so angry with her? Anything you can think off?

NearTheWindymill · 14/05/2014 20:04

How about phoning or sending a card and saying you are sorry and want to make contact again and want a relationship and to draw a line in the sand and put this behind you. She's your mum. I'm a mum. I would forgive my DC anything.

You won't ever have another mum. I had a baby son die in my arms; I would do anything for him to be alive however big a shit he might have grown up to be.

Take it slowly and say sorry and explain you would like to start again. But whatever you do don't break your mother's heart again because I'm sure it really really hurts. Love her. You can't take out of a relationship more than you are prepared to put in but a mother's love is unique if she has ever been there for you.

vitaminC · 14/05/2014 20:08

Are you under psychiatric care? Would you be willing to start (and commit to seeing it through, long term)?
Your mother will always love you but you may have to give her time to accept you're serious about getting help and getting better before she agrees to resume contact...
I don't want to give a diagnosis online but read about borderline personality disorder and see if you recognise yourself in the description. That may give you a starting point for therapy, treatment and away to explain to your family what you've been going through

Quitelikely · 14/05/2014 20:26

Whatever you do please communicate to your mother what you have said above. She really deserves it. You are your own worst enemy. At least you have admitted and acknowledged your bahaviour on here and how terrible it was. You are punishing yourself everytime you go NC and also doing your mum a favour in a way, I mean no one deserves that.

Cabrinha · 14/05/2014 20:26

Can you write and tell her all this, but tell her you're not going to be in contact fully just yet, because you can't continue this revolving door?
Then at least she knows you love her and you care about not doing this to her.
Then back to GP and counseling - but be honest this time.

Flip