Lonely and Gay

[happyharry12]

This post is aimed at gay, lesbian and bisexual men and women mainly but anyone can reply if they are open minded not judgemental etc.

I really HATE being gay and I for me I find it a lonely dull existence. I have thought about committing suicide about it because I just don't want to be gay. I am 32 don't have any real gay friends, never had a long term relationship and I just can't relate to the gay world at all. I don't get on with 99% of gay men at all and find them shallow and judgemental and just go by looks. I don't feel gay but maybe that's because I can't relate to anyone who is. I have always got on better with women and can imagine being in a relationship with a woman but its more an emotionally spiritual connection.

I have tried internet dating and will never ever do it again. The experience had left with me 0% confidence, I feel ugly and like im not worth anything. I have even tried Grindr and again you meet a 'friend' for a few months and go out only to find out that they never contact you again. Seriously i give on men most are lying cheating bastards who all they think about is the next shag. I can see why some straight people don't like gay people especially when a lot seem to shag around etc.

I am 200% genuine and very caring but i am very bitter about people and the constant rejection and let downs has made me want to not bother dating anyone. I know im only 32 but i feel past it in the dating world. I really hope internet dating is not the way to date because i am truly damned if it is. I would NEVER recommend internet dating to my worst enemy.

I know the thread is a bit depressing but i am generally a happy person and am NOT desperate. But it be nice to feel feel wanted and respected.

An unhappy Harry :-(

Maybe the sexuality aspect is a bit of a red herring here? There are plenty of shallow, judgemental, looks-obsessed people in the world - all genders - and they tend to congregate with others who are like-minded in places like bars or internet dating. If you're not shallow, judgemental or looks-obsessed maybe your entry point to a meaningful relationship will be via some other route? How big is your social circle, for example? Do you have good group of platonic friends who could introduce you to others? Could you be more outgoing and increase your friendship groups by pursuing interests, learning new skills, travelling or something else where you are likely to meet people who are more like you?

Nicest gay couple I know are very public-spirited & met through a shared love of community work. They're now married.

All dating involves a massive chunk of disappointment, doesn't it, as long as you are reasonably picky? The higher your standards and expectations, the smaller the pond in which you're fishing. But it is a pond full of prize carp, so worth the competition.

I guess that looking for a gay partner additionally restricts your chances as there are simply fewer gay than straight people around. I can see why you'd go to specifically gay places or use the internet. I'd suspect you really just have to hang on in there and keep at it...

Or maybe if you're looking for someone a bit more old-fashioned/romantic, try something like a personal ad? Or for intellectuals, look on sites aimed at professionals? Or post on sites related to a hobby?
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/24/london-review-books-personal-ads

Hi Cognito, I have a few friends but im not sure they would be there for me if i needed them. None of them drive so im the one always visiting them. I go to the gym but going to join some classes too. You mentioned sexuality being a red herring, what did you mean by that? I dont think i can be outgoing anymoee than i have been. I did join a walking group but i was the youngest there so felt out of place. Im not into the scene and dont conform to the gay stereotype but there is nothing around here for gay people.

The 'red herring' remark is that I don't think your loneliness problem is simply because you're gay. Plenty of straight people find internet dating and clubbing only puts them in front of people who want casual sex. BTW I don't want to make fun but all your last sentence needs is 'I'm the only gay in the village!'... :) There may well be a gay stereotype that involves shallow promiscuity and a vain obsession with looks & fashion but very few of the gay men I know IRL conform to it.

I think I also joined Ramblers once and found I was the youngest by about 40 years. So the gym sounds good as a starting point. Team sports are a great way to meet men the same age. Sheer law of averages means some of them will be gay too.