How do I move on? (Ridiculously long and self indulgent sorry)

[Celestria]

I'm sorry this is going to be so long and if you read it all, thank you.

I've been through a lot and trying hard to pick myself up and have a better life. I've been angry for what feels like all my life and I want to leave it behind. I am having counselling, but have been told I really need as clinical psychologist, however there is a three year waiting list.

When I was a seven I was abused over a three year period by a cousin, when I was ten I finally told my father and step mum. Initially I wasn't believed. Asked if I had read it in a book. Then the cousin was spoken to by my dad and his dad and it stopped. There was never any counselling etc, I just got on with life.

As a late teen I went through a very promiscuous stage. I thought that's all men wanted and that's how I would find someone that wouldn't leave me. My own mother left me when I was two, I didn't know she existed until I was 13. I started doing aerosols at the age of 14 when I discovered my family life had been a lie.

I fell pregnant and married the man, had four children. The years were a blur I was very depressed but didn't realise. We divorced three years ago. Since then I have had a few relationships that always went the same way. Good for a few weeks but then id convince myself I wasn't good enough and would get insecure, eventually cheat and self destruct the relationship.

Then I met my now fiancé. He was different, I fell head over heels for him. He understood me and what id been through. He was also the only man I felt loved me for me, I trusted and could even do things in the bedroom I hadn't been able to do because of the abuse.

December last year was the anniversary of my brothers suicide. I struggle badly, that's a whole other story but I carry some guilt with me over his death. I cut my wrist badly and ended up in hospital. In January, I was at a house party and took some drugs, very much on self destruct. I reacted very badly to the drugs, believed I was going to die.

A few weeks after that I had a complete breakdown. I won't describe the hell I was in, save to say that for two months I begged god to just let me die.

By April, the medication I was started on kicked in and I began to get better. My fiancé and I had split during the breakdown as my family blamed him for the drugs and tried to convince me he was bad for me. Once I started getting better, I got back with him. He encouraged me to go for private counselling and has supported me through the process.

This is where the anger comes in. I am so so angry with my family. The counselling took me over the abuse and helped me start to come to terms with it and how it's affected my life. My family have always doubted it actually happened. My sister in law and brother actually befriended my abuser and arrange to go on holiday with him.

A few weeks ago I snapped. The anger was so bad. I found my mother had been having me watched to see if I was with my fiancé. My brother and SIL were planning on visiting my abuser again (my SIL and I were best friends for four years, she knew what he did to me) other family members were giving me hassle for being with fiancé.

I told them all where to go. Posted on fb for all the world to see about what my abuser had done to me. I was fed up of feeling dirty, feeling made to keep it a secret. Putting up with the betrayal of my family being his friend.

Things got bad after that. I discovered my SIL had given my abuser my mobile number. My abuser denyed he did anything to me, so I told him to contact my father who had spoken to him back then.

My father, told him yes something had happened. That he thought it was just kids being kids and that everyone had forgotten about it. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I basically gave him a second chance to stand up for me, like I felt he hadn't done as a child. But he didn't.

After that, my step mother befriended my abuser in fb, her and my sister and SIL began posting horrible quotes on fb about liars etc. I removed them all after that. I phoned my SIL, told her what I thought of her, she got the police to my door.

Throughout all this my father maintained he wanted a relationship with me. I told him I wouldn't have my step mum in my house after what she had done. He told me he wouldn't be in contact with me in that case.

So that's where I am up to. I don't speak to any of my family anymore. They have made me feel worthless for years. I phoned the family protection unit who are digging up the statements made to them regarding my abuse (my mother phoned them when I was 12 but I was too scared to take him to court) and will be sending them to me. I am still with my fiancé who has been absolutely amazing, held me together, supported me, kept me going to counselling and supporting me with going to college etc. I am happy most days, looking after my kids, keeping the house and cooking etc.

But every so often I get upset. And terribly terribly angry with my family. I don't want to feel that anymore, I want to put it all behind me, but it feels so unjust. I don't want them back, I want them to know they have done me wrong. But they won't and I really have to move on. I just don't know how and the counselling whilst helping me understand why I am the way I am (insecure about myself, never feeling good enough, convinced I am a bad person and will lose everyone I love) it hasn't helped me actually move on. How do I do that? I keep myself busy, most days I don't stop. But it's always in the back of my mind.

You're doing the right thing. The counselling will bring up all the feelings you've kept hidden but you know it's going to help in the end.

I can only be here to hand hold and give you . You're incredibly strong.

I am losing faith with the counselling in a honesty. It has helped tremendously with getting to grips with why I have the issues I do but not really what to do about them.

I tell myself I am strong. I tell myself how I have raised my four kids as a lone parent for the last three years, no maintenance payments, completed a college course and was working full time for a while too. I cook all fresh food, keep my home tidy. I had to pack up my house on my own whilst at the height of a breakdown, live in a bnb with the kids for three weeks, before being given a temporary flat. I had debt which I was managing until the breakdown and am in the process of sequestration. I tell myself all of that. And then I remember that my own family couldn't stand by me, that despite the fact I was a seven year old girl, it's me that's suffering now, not my abuser. And I don't feel strong anymore.

This is what I need to move on from. I am so happy with my kids and my fiancé. So happy I'm scared it will go wrong and that's because of my past. I just don't know how to do it. I have read self help books, tried affirmations, gratitude journals, set myself challenges, things to make me feel positive and strong. But it feels like I am just pretending.

Thanks for reading that marathon and holding my hand. One good thing to come from the breakdown is that I have learned that some people I will probably never meet, are amazing.

I have applied to become a volunteer with the samaritans and am going to be doing an introduction to counselling course next year. I really hope I can help people some day, having a breakdown made me realise how important mental health is and how utterly terrifying it is when you are unwell.

Oh OP, you have been through so, so much. I feel for you, I really do.

But firstly, PLEASE don't become a volunteer with the Samaritans. Please don't do this to yourself. Once you become stronger, yes, it is something to consider, but not yet. Don't try to hide from your pain by focussing on someone else's. That way madness lies.

One of the things about counselling is that often things will get worse before they get better. You have shut off a lot of what happened to you, only dealing with it when your brain wouldn't let you ignore it. But now you are going over it, it will hurt, a lot.

You don't know what to do about the abuse? In the end you need to learn to just acknowledge it happened, that it wasn't your fault, that the people who were supposed to be there for you completely and utterly failed you. It's not a sign of YOUR worth, but theirs, that they weren't able to look after you.

Once you can accept that it wasn't your fault, and that you deserve happiness and love, you will be able to move forward and live with your past without it tainting your future.

I absolutely 2nd DIY. It will be hard to get through this session of counselling, it's bringing up deep pressed feeling to the surface and forcing you to process them again. Change is hard for most people let alone if they have gone through the same things you have.

I can only go on a friends experience, but it rings very true to one you have given here. She has now gone NC with her family and I can honestly say that she's the happiest she's ever been, working again, had another child and more settled in who she is. This doesn't mean that there aren't bits that aren't hard for her but a lot easier than it was before.

That's made me cry DIY. My counsellor says the same. That I need to acknowledge that my family failed me. That they let me down. That hurts me because I adored them. Even though they didn't stand by me, I loved them. I wanted to make them proud. I ignored any bad thoughts about them. It's almost like I am grieving for the family I created in my head, now that I see them for what they are.

As for the abuse, I guess I still do wonder if it was my fault. I was seven and adored my big older cousin. Really put him on a pedestal. I remember when I met my grandad for the first time when I was a teen. And my mum said I made him uncomfortable because I was so affectionate. Over the years, I've had men think I want them, when I am just being friendly. Sometimes I think maybe I brought it on myself.

Most days I am strong. Yesterday I didn't stop all day. So organised, really productive. Today, I haven't done anything yet. Four hours have gone by and I can't even tell you what I have been doing other than this thread. Days like today, I feel certain that there must be something in me, something I have done or some way I am that I don't realise that explains why the family I loved couldn't love me back.

I'm being self indulgent and that sort of thinking doesn't help anything. Later on I will pick myself up, get dressed nicely and put my make up on. Get organised and have the house spotless and cook a lovely homemade meal for my family. After that I will put my kids to bed, cuddle up to my fiancé and watch tv. And I will be happy, for a while. I will feel accomplished, worthwhile. But deep inside I will still have that hidden part of me that doesn't feel any better or happier.

I love helping people. I don't understand why people spend so much time judging or critising, instead of helping. I know if this was someone else's thread, I would be doing what I could to help as much as you can online. My counsellor and my partner say I need to focus on me and what makes me happy. Helping others does that.

I'm sorry I made you cry, but hopefully the tears are good ones, as you move through your stages of grief. (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - not necessarily in that order.) You are right, it is a process of grieving. You will grieve for the family you so wished you had, the one you hoped for, but that you couldn't have because they were so damaged.

You were likely over affectionate because you were starved of affection and were desperate to earn it. That is NOT your fault, but the fault of the others who should have been covering you with love and affection.

And yes, helping people can be great, but why not look at other ways to help?

Lots of communities have volunteers doing all sorts of things. Running a children's play group, going into a school to do reading, making meals for those have suffered a hardship. These are UPLIFTING things, which you need right now and which would help so many people.

They were good tears DIY, because you were kind. I absolutely love cooking and would love to cook for those who need it, how do I go about that?

I sent you a PM Celestria