Can I have a chat about my mum? (long!)

[HellonHeels]

I'm wondering if I'm being a bit selfish.

My mum is in her 70s, lives on other side of the world (I emigrated been in UK almost 20 years). My mum is here on a visit, she comes over every couple of years, I go home every 2 - 3 years.

This visit fraught with problems, mum missed flight, lost passport, beset with anxiety, tearful etc. All sorted, she's here now for 5 weeks. Mostly staying with me, a few two-day visits to my sister (tense relationship). The two of us are going on a 10-day european holiday together next week. The rest of the time I have to be at work. I warned her when she booked flights it was a very busy time at work for me. I had a day off to meet her at the airport and that's all. We've spent weekend days together so far.

I'm trying to stick to my normal routine of exercise and a couple of other activities which I do 3 - 4 nights a week (yoga classes, meditation class) plus one meeting of my book group in the month and a couple of social events with friends in the month (I've cut back, declined quite a few things, am taking her with me to some eg lunch with girlfriend). It does mean that I'm not home a lot of the time during the week.

She seems a bit out of sorts, just sitting on the sofa when I get in, isn't making much effort to do things or go out. When I ask her why, she just says she is tired. Do you think it's OK that I'm doing this or is it selfish? I really want to keep in my routine of exercise etc, I am stressed at work and need the exercise and it's hard to re-establish the routine if I stop.

Would welcome any thoughts!

Sorry, but yes it does sound rather selfish.

Your mum has travelled a great distance, she is getting old and frankly this may be the last journey to your home.

I would be deeply unhappy to travel many miles at great cost to see anyone, who couldn't take any time off work and maintained their normal routine of social gatherings and exercise classes.

Sorry probably not the answer you were looking for.

Is there some sort of history with your mother?

I would be absolutely heartbroken if I travelled miles and miles to see a close relative and they just carried on doing their normal exercise etc at the expense of spending time with me. I think I would just leave tbh and never come back.

Wow, yes I'd be very hurt if I was your mum if I'm honest.. she is basically sitting there waiting for you to grace her with your presence?

Social things can wait, exercise should be maintained but cut back to essential quicker activities, and you should maybe have taken some time off work.

My sister lives in Australia and is visiting over Christmas this year, totally the wrong time of year for me, I'm self employed and busy, but I'll just close up or get some extra staff in to help.

Sorry but YABU, but I'm sure it's hard for you to change your routine too, so maybe sit and chat with her and say sorry but can we make a list / schedule and then at least she can look at that and be reminded that on Thursday evening you are going shopping together/ cafe / cinema etc.

Your poor mum! I would be absolutely gutted if my daughter treated me like this!

Book club, over your mum? Seriously?

You're Stressed but imagine how she feels?

Hmm I'm a bit more on the fence, sorry!
I agree it might seem a bit selfish to carry on your life as if your mum wasn't here, and keep going to all your classes and social events.
But, then again, it's not just a couple of days she's with you - it's a whole month, and a whole different ball game making yourself available the whole time.

What did your mum expect to be doing if presumably she knew you were working full-time, and were expecting to be out four evenings a week regularly plus a few other lunches / book groups whilst she was here?

Did she Previously go off and do her own thing whilst you were out? That might be the issue - if she was quite happy doing her own exploring and entertaining "on holiday" but now is either not mentally or physically able or happy to do so?

Time-wise, it sounds fairly balanced - she's here for five weeks, your on holiday together for two, she's got a couple of 2-day trips to your sister, which must leave roughly 2 weeks for her on her own? But, depends I suppose what she was expecting, and if she's finding in tougher this time.

I would keep your exercise but drop the rest.

I would be very hurt if I were your mum. This might be your mum's last visit. All the problems she had with the travelling may be a sign that it is all getting to much for her. Say these are the last weeks you get to spend with your mum, are you going to look back and be happy that you went out with your friends and didn't miss your book club? Five weeks is nothing. Prioritize your mum while she is visiting you.

Yes, very selfish indeed. Would it really kill you to drop all of your evening activities for a few weeks after she's travelled so very far to see you? I wouldn't treat a dog the way you are treating your mother

Oh dear, I hate criticising ... but you do sound rather selfish. Couldn't you miss book club, a few outings with friends, cut down the exercise, yoga etc. classes for a few weeks? As others have pointed out, your mother is elderly and who knows how much longer she'll be able to be with you? Cut her a little slack, spend more time with her.

Hmm OK thanks everyone, I'll have a rethink.

My reasoning was exactly that she's here for five weeks and two of those I will be spending the whole time day and night exclusively with her and that we'd previously discussed that I would not be able to have time off other than those two weeks. The work is just the busy period of the year, there's no way around it, getting the time off to travel with her was as much as I could do.

I did say in my OP I'd cut down a lot on my social events - apart from the exercise classes the only things I've got left are the one book group and a one-day thing that was booked before mum's trip was planned. The other couple of social things she is coming with me. She does pilates classes at home (she's very fit, not frail at all so I hope this will not be her last trip) and I asked her if she'd like to come with me but she wasn't keen.

Thanks again for your views, I will think on and maybe have a chat with her.

I'm going to go against the grain on this one as I'm often in the same situation with my own parents who live abroad but tend to visit either together or independently for periods of 4-10 weeks depending on when the cheap flights are available circumstances.

I think that five weeks is a long time to be or have a houseguest and the guest really should take some responsibility for entertaining themselves. I think it is reasonable for a host to cancel or forgo any social engagements and would even take a break from my gym routine (I'm normally there 3-4 times per week in the evenings) for two weeks but as a guest, I wouldn't want my host to be put out for any longer than than and would just assimilate into the household routine for longer stays.

As for the work situation - the OP is taking 10 days off work to spend exclusively with her mother. I don;t think many workplaces would allow a more generous leave package than this and certainly not at a busy time.

My parents visited in March for only two weeks, to attend a family wedding. I told them in advance that this was my busiest time at work, it was in my contract that I couldn't take time off and would probably have to work late in the evenings but would spend time with them as much as possible around this. And yes, I didn't go to the gym and turned down invited from friends to go the the pub etc. Despite this, I was told I was a terrible host and awful daughter at the end of their stay because I had spent so much time at work. They didn't seem to understand that just because they have taken a holiday, life still goes on for me.

If I'm honest, maybe you are a bit selfish but I think your mother is also. That's fine - it's human nature - but I would advise having a chat with her about how you feel.

She is probably reflecting that five weeks was too long a trip. If she had brought a companion or was lucky enough to be one of a couple like your parents SummerRemembered she'd have company and it would be less strain on OP. I agree best to have a chat.

Exercise, fine, the rest, can you put on hold?

I disagree with the others. Your mum decided when to come, knowing that you would be busy. On her head be it.

I often travel back to Oz to spend time with my family. I liaise with my sister as to when the best time would be (within my limited timeframe due to children at school) and she takes some time off to spend with me.

If she couldn't take time off and I still decided to travel then it would be up to me to do entertain myself.

I think a few exercise classes isn't a big deal, maybe not more than 3 times a week though. You've already cut back on your social engagements.

Does your gym have a café which she could sit in? Maybe that might be a bit more interesting for her. Or do you have some friends that might entertain her a bit?