Money - I'm worried

[LiquidSilk]

First of all a disclaimer - l know that l am being stupid and I really apologise to those of you going through serious difficulties. However l recently lost Mum, and she's the one who would normally tell me to stop being so stupid!

Anyway, almost 2 years ago I split up with my not very nice husband. A year after this I got together with my now partner. We knew each other previously but lost touch due to me moving away from the area. Anyway to cut a long story short 8 months later we are utterly besotted with each other and next month are moving in together. I've never felt like this about anyone - he is generous, funny, gorgeous and we would both do anything for each other.

The only thing that concerns me is money. I come from a very traditional family where my mum was a housewife and daddy made the money. From an early age I had 'man should be the provider' instilled in me.

I earn a very good salary for my age, almost treble that of my partner. He earns about 25k with limited prospects. However he has a lovely house without a massive mortgage and is very sensible with money. Realistically it is unlikely that we will ever have money issues, especially as his house (where I am moving to) is in a very inexpensive area. However im so scared that I will end up resenting him for earning so much less than me, even though logically I know it doesnt matter at all. I felt like it with my ex-husband but that was compounded by the fact he was emotionally abusive! The irony is that im not a money grabber at all - I have dated some very high earners but wasnt remotely interested as there was no spark there. So how do I stop this fear that I will end up thinking less of him? Sorry again.

either:

1 - this is, as you suggest, an unreasonable unease as everything will be financially ok and you will both support each other fully in all ways as your join your lives. If this is the case, then some full and frank discussions up front, and some lived experience together, will put all this to rest. However, in the meantime, no need to rush into merging your finances, or lives otherwise, irrevocably. just take things slowly, talk a lot, and the fears will dissipate

or:

2 - you have a justified gut sense that your new man is looking forward to taking his foot off the pedal in some way, once he has you to take care of things. presumably you work hard to earn so much more than him. Will he support you emotionally and practically to do so? (not one-sidedly of course.) Does he respect you for doing so well and is he proud of you? Or will he snipe about it to bolster his own self-respect? who is going to take care of things at home? Is he proud of his own work or looking to be a kept man? Does he take your income for granted?

I am sorry to say such mean and suspicious things, but if you have any sense of any of the above, get it all out there now. Is all that totally off the mark? In which case: GOOD

Talk to him . He sounds lovely. If the earning capacity was reversed and you were the lower earner, would you hope or expect him to contribute more, help you out? I would do.

The PP who asks about dc and childcare etc makes a really good point. It will raise difficulties if you haven't discussed it all. Can you face the idea of returning when you have dc, or the alternate which is taking a huge drop in income if you ever want to be a sahm?

Enjoy the fluttering heart and wild passion. A few of us can dimly remember it.

Arse moving in with someone after 8 months is generally the exception. IMO it smacks of stupidity and neediness. But.....that is simply my opinion. Opposing views are nothing to do with someone being a cynic and everything to do with concern at not ploughing ahead at top speed into problems. IME friends have certainly cohabited in haste and repented at leisure. Each to their own I guess. Some people do not truly believe they are in a 'proper' relationship until they are washing someone's smalls and arguing over the washing up

Oh dear, cant, is that what we are supposed to be doing??
Neither of us have a history of being co-dependent or cohabitors, both of us have plenty of 'me' time away from each other (as much as a baby allows!) - we enjoy being together and did, even then. Of course we aren't perfect but we rarely row, we discuss things when they come up. Neither of us went into it rose tinted either, which may have helped :)
I understand it may be rare and that some people do have a need to be loved and for domesticity, but it's not always like that. I've had friends who moved in after far more years and split quickly. There's no one size fits all for relationships :)

Arse yep....as I said, there are always exceptions.

You said "I was planning on paying half his bills and mortgage" which suggests that you will be keeping your finances separate.

What happens when it comes to holidays and you want to go somewhere lovely and stay in a 5* place and he can't afford it? Or at Christmas when your budget to spend on him is twice what he can afford?

Do either of you have DCs whose financial needs should be factored in?

I know it's not a popular view on here sometimes, but for me, if you're moving in together you're becoming a team, a family. To me that means fairness and equality, so you both get the benefit of the shared situation, whether that's sharing finances/bills, housework, shopping/cooking, organising your free time as a couple and as individuals. Just paying half the rent makes you sound more like flat-mates than a couple.

Hi everyone. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I will try to answer all of the questions / points raised - apologies if I miss anything.
No I hsve never posted about this before.
Neither of us have DC - however we do want them in the future and I have said very clearly that I will want to go part time whilst they are young. He is fine with this - Im hoping to be pretty much mortgage free by then which will ease the pressure. Rightly or wrongly ifnhe became a SAHD I would hate it. All I have ever wanted is children, and I do my job because it pays well rather than any particular desire to climb the career ladder.
He abolutely isn't looking for a free ride in my opinion. He want to go halves on everything. The only compromise (which he didnt accept lightly) is holidays. Frankly I would rather pay more and stay somewhere beautiful than go halves and not really enjoy it. I assume there will be other areas like this.
I dont think im needy. I loved my single life with my friends, and absolutely dont need to be in a relationship to be happy. This was a bolt from the blue.
Im a bit of a worrier and overthinker and I think maybe that's what im doing here!

Liquid, it sounds fab to me x

Ok....so if/when you go part time and are earning less then surely it won't be an issue then. Are you prepared to eventually pool all financial resources? It may take a leap of faith to do that. If you keep seeing him In terms of what he earns then I cannot see how this relationship will work. Unless you have some deep anxiety about him taking advantage of you in some capacity I genuinely cannot see what you have to worry about. My husband went from earning quite a lot to half his salary due to moving into a new career field. I now earn a lot more than him but because we pool our money into one account it is family money rather than his and mine.