MIL to be Judgey and horrid, feel angry...

[Peonysandblueglass]

I am getting married in August. My DF has a relationship with his very wealthy parents, mainly so that his daughter (7) can have one with them as they come from quite a long way away.

This weekend they visited and MIL2B continuously spoken negatively about her other daughter in law, she criticised her home, her as a mother. Sh says she doesn't believe in autism she just thinks her other DIL is a bad mother and that's why her son is so "naughty".

I think she thinks that a good mother is one who is at home, baking cakes and being everyone's slave. Her other DIL is a first class graduate and very well known author so has a lot of money in her own right and is actually a very (in my exp) lovely beautiful mother and person.

It worries me that she will be like this when I'm a mother, it will put me off being around her and to be frank I don't think I will make much effort for her to see mine when I have them.

She doesn't believe in post natal depression and thinks that racism isn't an issue today.

Im so VERY different to her.

She sent both of her sons to boarding school from the age of 8 and never had to work herself so I feel she has no right to comment.

DF is always really depressed after being around them and I'm starting to wonder if we should have a bit of a break from them before it turns into arguments.

Any experiences or advice very welcome, thanks

Just keep her at arms length.

My MIL is pretty toxic. She doesn't get to be in our lives much. Many of the problems on these boards stem from the partner not acknowledging the problematic MIL. If your fiancé acknowledges her flaws then it needn't be too bad.

DH is on my side as his mum essentially made him choose between us and he chose me.

"My DF has a relationship with his very wealthy parents, mainly so that his daughter (7) can have one with them as they come from quite a long way away".

That does not sound like a good basis at all actually for any sort of relationship and your fiancé seems to be deeply in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his parents. A lifetime of such conditioning is extremely hard to undo. Do they also control him with money or by threatening also to cut him off from their wills?.

I think you have every right to be concerned about his mother because she is really a nasty piece of work. She will likely talk about you behind your back in the same ways as she does about her other DIL.

I would be very careful about walking into this familial dysfunction at all because such unhealthy family situations as you describe do not change and can often become worse. You will have to reinforce and keep reinforcing your own boundaries because it may well be that your DF will be too weak to do so.

This is at its heart all about power and control; they want absolute over your fiancé and will not care who they hurt to get it.

Thank you, yes I will keep them at arms length, thank you. They haven't done anything to earn my trust and especially after her behaviour this weekend. DF asked me if I thought he should have a word with her about her being nasty about SIL and I said no because I didn't want to rock the boat.

But the following day she said: "the sooner she goes back to work full time and leaves the nanny to bring up her children properly, the better" (what a horrid thing to say about a mother who has a young baby and an autistic VERY high maintenance 4 year old).

My DF will always have my back because he has had therapy to deal with his life with them and he lives humbly, simply and would prefer to work part time so he can spend as much time with his daughter as possible,so he is nothing like them.

I would keep a distance. My mil is very opinionated when there is no need and it does spoil things. She is very rude about my family. I sympathise with you and just advise to kp distance and dont get too 'close' as people who talk and critise others will also do it about you.

I don't know very many women who get on with their MILs. Mine is an ocean away most of the time and that's the way I like it! She thinks I'm strange and foreign (I BF both my DC - god forbid - and didn't wean them on hot dogs ), and I just think she's cold and struggle to find any common ground with her. She loves to give her judgements in a loud voice and I smile and ignore her and thank my lucky stars that she lives far away (though sadly not on a planet far, far away!)

Next time she mentions SIL negatively, I would raise it, very very gently: 'I'm really sorry to hear you feel that way, because I am not really a stay-at-home mother either. It seems to me that SIL is a great mother and keeps a lovely house, and that if she doesn't match your standards, I definitely won't, which worries me a bit. I don't want to disappoint you, but I think we may have to agree to disagree on some of these issues. But I still think you're wonderful, and you bake the most amazing genoa cake! You really must show me how you get it so lovely and fluffy like that. Such a talent!' etc. etc. etc.

Your Dh shouldn't have offered to have a word with her , he should have just done it because it was warranted. Offering to have a word makes out he will say something on your behalf and that it's up to you. This has the potential to make you the bad guy , which is going to be your assigned role anyway.

Have you read toxic on laws ? Your df still hasn't got appropriate boundrys with them and this is going to be a problem.

Doesnt believe in autism? I'd like to slap her for that, speaking as a mother and aunt of autistic children.

She sounds awful.

and for the postnatal depression comment, I had too, its not nice.

"you bake the most amazing genoa cake! You really must show DF how you get it so lovely and fluffy like that." ;-)

It's not a popular strategy but I find it helpful to pity people. My MIL doesn't like men (much of her issue with me is that I produced grandson number three rather than a much desired granddaughter). How utterly sad and sorry her life is! She misses out on a good relationship with my wonderful DH, lovely stepsons and super baby. Poor cow to be so pathetic.

What a sad and sorry woman OPs MIL-to be is missing out on the remarkable complexity of human existence by dismissing the idea of autism. Can you really be angry with someone so weak and with such a small view of the world? Pity her for her pathetic life, move on and be fabulous.

The main point you need to worry ably if whether not not your df is 100% beside you or will he hide away because he doesn't want any bother?

There are many threads here to help you, and you should send him along to the stately homes thread.

You too will need a united front, not you at the front line while he 'doesn't want to get involved'

Luckily you aren't married yet and I would suggest some pre marriage counselling so you and your df can talk over this. It is a potential marriage breaker but can only make you two stronger if you are both on the same page.

I can't see what the young daughter gets out of listening to granny talk shit about people.

I think you need a serious discussion about how he intends to deal with her once you are married and have children of your own . Why didn't he interrupt her awful rant , why has he placed the decision whether to confront her in your lap ?

You do realise don't you Op , that if you had said , yes have a word with her , he would have said sorry to mention this mum but peony was a bit upset about you Bitching ect. If he was going to say , look mum you've ruined the visit and embarrassed me by Bitching about dsil , he would have just said it .

Your Dr hasn't had your back . He's put his mother on you and not asserted himself when he should have.

Next time she bitches about her other DIL you could say jokingly "Well if you are saying that about DIL to me, whatever are you saying behind my back to her??? Then say "Actually I don't want to know, thanks."

"Next time she goes on about her -or you, to your face Deflect, Deflect, Deflect, or yawn, rudely.

Yes I have deflected up until now, I have done a few really obvious change of subjects, or I have made a counter argument like; "she is such an amazing mother and her son has so much personality, we all had such a wonderful time when we stayed with them." To which she replies oh we hate their home it's all about her and has nothing of (her sons).
I don't know if it triggers jealousy in her or what but she's not gone far to earn my respect. It's weird because I don't really have anyone in my life who I don't like but I think I may have found one"

I would suggest pulling her up on something sooner rather than later.

She sounds awful and you are never going to get on. Pretending to be nice dutiful DIL will drive you insane as you'll be faking it and she still won't appreciate it.

Even open mutual loathing is actually easier to deal with as both of you will know the score.

Don't be dutiful. That's great advice.

I really laughed (and was impressed by) a post I read on here a while back. It went something like - OP meets MIL-to-be, during lull in meal/pub whatever when the two of them were left alone at the table, the haughty, thinking-she-holds-all-the-cards MIL announced 'I don't think I'm going to like you' - OP simply raised an eyebrow and coolly replied 'So?'

That's what you need.

This little sulker is shaping up to cause a lot of trouble if you start running about trying to please her.

You'd be better off raising that eyebrow when she starts slagging. 'Really? I don't see that. I hope you don't speak so nastily about me when I'm not there to hear you.'

Right now, she thinks she's the matriarch who gets to cast out whoever she chooses, so to speak. Make it clear that it's the other way around - the person who has nothing good to say and simply spreads muck is going to be the one out in the cold.

Brunos nailed it.

Yes Bruno thank you, I will take heed.
I spoke to DF last night and he was really understanding, he said that he spent a vast proportion of his life actually despising them but through therapy and them getting older mellowing out a bit helped him reconcile his feelings.
He said that his mother hasn't mellowed like his dad has but she's just got weirder!
He said that we should just trust that SIL is capable of standing up for herself and just walk away when MIL is speaking negatively.
I am going to stop being the dutiful DIL now and just relax.
Thanks everyone.

It doesn't sound like there is anyone important she can bitch to that will take her seriously, so let her bitch if it amuses her.