No self respect

[onemoresmartie]

Hi everyone

Not sure if this is the right place to post but I split with my ex last year and since then have had quite a few one night stands all when I have been very drunk - to the point when I don't remember there names I don't like the feeling the next day and usually beat myself up for days after. I know the simple solution would be to stop drinking but as a single parent I feel the only way to meet people is to go out.

I am conscious of the fact that I spent 9 years from the age of 15 in a relationship so I guess this is now me experimenting a bit but I feel it's all got a bit too much

Is this a self respect thing? I don't value myself much and pretty much throw myself at anyone who will give me some attention. I recently lost 4 stone in weight so I get more than I used to.

Any wise words please

Well you're not the first woman to do this, I have a friend exactly the same and yes I do think it's a self respect thing, if you actually valued yourself higher you wouldn't be giving it away so easily, I'd question whether you'd get into these situations if you were not drinking, if you would then you should seek counselling, if you think you wouldn't then the answer is very clear, cut down on the drinking or abstain completely, sorry, but it's the only answer. You will never meet a nice man whilst you are giving the impression you are easy meat.

You wont want to hear it, but....stop going out and getting pissed.
You're unlikely to meet people who are looking for anything worthwhile out on the lash, whether that be friendship, romance or whatever. There is nothing wrong with having casual sex if you are in control and enjoying yourself. But you're drunk and left feeling like shit afterwards...that isn't healthy. You deserve better. Remind yourself of that.

It's a self-respect thing certainly. Then again it's also a self-affirmation thing...... you want the reassurance that you are a desirable woman. Given that it is making you feel worse rather than better about yourself, however, you're right to want to end it. Empty shagging gets very old, very fast so put it down to having had a 'mad year' and move on. There are a lot healthier and more satisfactory ways to meet people when you're a lone parent that don't involve alcohol. Shared interests, further education, work... Get away from the fear of being independent and make some new female as well as male friends. Take the opportunity to be your own person

Good luck

For what it's worth, I think you've been very brave to post this and admit to yourself that you're not happy with what's going on at the moment.

How about forgetting about men for now and concentrating on other aspects of your life?

For example, is there anything that you want to achieve career-wise or new hobbies/skills you've always wanted to learn? Projects at home that you want to do? Joining a social group related to a particular interest?

I think what's made it worse is that I was kind of dating someone we went on three dates and I slept with him then he disappeared and it just sends me into self destruct mode and all I could think about was what is wrong with me? I think I do need to stay off the alcohol for a little while and look after myself and somehow learn to love myself or at least like myself..at the moment I just feel so low about everything.

OP you are thinking along the right lines - good.

Stop placing so much importance on random men that you don't really know and place the importance on you, you matter more than anyone else on the planet!

You feel low because you are in a cycle of self destruct and no matter how often we kid ourselves that it's cool to sleep around like men do, in reality, it usually makes us feel shit about ourselves.

So....no more drinking too much and no more jumping into bed with strangers, I guarantee you that your self esteem will improve.

Having one night stands doesn't always mean a lack of self respect.
Partying hard doesn't always mean a lack of self respect.
It depends on the woman and how she feels ('giving it away' is a bit Victorian IMO - like men take it, women give it ).

But the way you describe it, you are feeling really low and insecure, you are behaving this way because you feel too low to 'date' when you're sober. And that is a self esteem issue (I don't like 'self respect' for this, sounds judgy, and the person you're judging is you... making the cycle worse).

It probably isn't as easy as just 'not drinking'. You need to perhaps pick up different places to socialise with, find someone you trust to go with.
The drinking is a symptom, not the cause, of the problem.
Think hard, list good things about yourself - are there any places to go and meet people coming from those places of confidence? E.g. the gym or other sport - often there is a social side to that. If you're in your 'confident zone' feeling good, you might well find a positive cycle starts where you are the one people are chasing not the other way round.

I agree it doesn't always mean lack of self respect but from my experience of myself and my friends, not many of us have felt good about sleeping with a random with no name, it's not Victorian imo, it's called feeling used, men don't feel this because they have never had to explain their actions or question them, unlike women, even today have to.

A woman who sleeps around with randoms is very much in the minority of feeling A Ok about it.

Jan and from my friends, I would have to say that isn't my experience nor that of those of my friends - it really, really isn't universal, especially not with women who aren't phased by other people's judgements or wanting a man to woo her (under those circumstances).

They've made whole TV shows out of it - SATC, Cougars etc'.

I say that as someone who doesn't really choose that life for myself and for most of my adult life been monogamous. But (1) not always and (2) not the case for a lot of my friends, who chose a far more relaxed attitude and were/are quite happy with that. Because it was 'fun' for them in contrast to the OP who is doing it to feel loved. It's about choosing what you actually get (sex, no attachment) - if someone is after anything else, or not 100% down with the fact that to many this is a 'taboo' thing and it might raise eyebrows, then that's when it can lead to huge issues.

But within my social group, the idea that we're being 'used' (as opposed to doing a fair bit of the using ourselves, which is a whole other issue) isn't the pervading one. And if others expect explanations surely that is their problem not the woman's? Why on earth would the fact some people have double standards be our problem?

As for A woman who sleeps around with randoms

...and glad to know you've spoken to everyone in the world about it.
Or you think I've not spoken to anyone.
'Minority' ... means nothing really does it? It varies wildly by area of the UK, age, career (some are far less 'family based' than others) etc'.

Lining every woman from 16-85 up and citing a 'minority' is therefore empty.
What would be a great weekend to a bunch of 20-something media girls would feel to them a 'majority' thing. Ditto hippies into free love.
Down at my church, it would definitely be the minority.

Well all I can say is good on them, I know I'd feel shit if I was getting drunk and sleeping around with random men, I don't see the feel good factor in any of that.

I loved SATC but even that at times was depressing as the script there was very much the stereoptypical man having his cake whilst the woman pretended she was cool about the fact he had binned her off once he'd shagged her of course and no, of course she wasn't waiting for the phone to ring even though it was glued to her ear.

Maybe I'm more Victorian than I would like to admit, food for thought.

I still think we live in an age where if a woman sleeps around she gets a reputation for being easy and nice men are not interested in pursuing a relationship with such a woman, if the man has slept around, nobody says a word really or if they do he's certainly not made to feel bad about it in the way women are.

With my friend that sleeps around, I asked her, would you have slept with him had you been sober, her answer was a very adamant NO! So, alcohol is the precursor in all of it, I've tried telling her to stop or cut down but it makes no difference, it's almost like because she is drunk she feels she can absolve herself of any responsibility of what could happen - scary!

My answer is the same if I had of been sober I wouldn't of slept with probably any of the people I have and the thought of sober sex terrifies me! I think a total man ban is a good idea for a little while it's not making me feel good about myself at all and your right I'm not going to find a nice man by behaving this way